Things you Say at Christmas....

Things You Say At Christmas that make it a dirty holiday:

• I have a sex drive of a nine year old.
• I’m mounting tomorrow, 15 inches high into the stud.
• Don’t worry she won’t be black.
• Up against the wall you mfr.
• I like the real dark ones with big nuts.
• Once you go special dark you don’t go back.
• I don’t like dry nuts I like the wet ones.
• You need a nut experience.
• If you put nuts in a bush….
• He doesn’t know how to stiffen it enough
• I burned him off.
• I couldn’t let two women lick and suck me for 2 million $.
• I get spanked too.
• That was a really good blow
• You have to pull out the things.
• Full gas I am.
• I jammed it in here somewhere.
• You purposely put your hand there.
• Maybe next year I’ll twist it up.
• Show me your crack.
• It’s on display at the Smithsonian.

and a few more:

• I need the correct screws.
• Wow, ball finder glasses!
• We have difficulty finding the balls.
• Sometimes you can't watch the balls.
• I got my stroke counter!
• She needs her stroke counter to count my balls!

It's amazing how much normal conversation about christmas presents, cars, coffee, blowing your nose and cookies can seem so dirty!

Just Another Not So Typical Happy Hour

In anticipation to close out 2008 on a good note as I approach the end of December, I will give kudos to the eclectic group of Morris County men who approached me at the bar and it wasn’t even a full moon. To the one who wouldn’t buy the “I’m an accountant working at the hospital” line and walked away after I didn’t respond to his ‘we should go out sometime’ phrase. To the group of husky men in hoodies who bought me a Corona and unknowingly bought another one for someone else, because I don’t belly up to the bar to order 2 beers for myself. I liked the move the bald one made, who asked me if I wanted another beer after the two women he was talking to went to the bathroom. They were out in full force last night, going against the rules of men shying away from women during a holiday because they don’t want to get trapped in the gift buying, time spending spirit. And the drunk gal at the jukebox whose friend was looking out for her, I think her name was Andrea, I know she got home safe last night because her husband came to get her. Merry Christmas to all my friends and foes, drink and be merry, because we have to do this all again, next year!

All I Want for Christmas

I think this might be one of my last entries on this subject, but I have to air it out. Holidays suck big time for me, they always have as long as I could remember. I’m not a Scrooge, they just don’t have those same traditional meanings as the olden days. Since my parents got divorced when I was a teenager holidays have been stressful on me, having to choose where to go. Having to feel guilty that I didn’t spend Easter with this one, or Christmas with that one. It continued when I got married, but now I had three families to deal with. Over the years my family got adjusted to the holidays, maybe they became more aware of the stress it was causing my sister and I with traveling to see them and how we just didn’t enjoy the holidays anymore and that guilt in me subsided. They understood when Thanksgiving came along that I had chosen to spend it with Dad instead of with Mom, because I knew that the next year it would switch up. My father passed away a few days before thanksgiving four years ago and that will always be a reminder around that time for me. When I had three families to contend with it was a huge weight on my shoulders because I knew my family would understand but for some reason it was only one sided. And if your family can’t understand that you have a life with a significant other and have to share these same holidays with them and their families then there’s a problem. I admit I never put my foot down, never said anything about it and I am in the wrong for that. But I did sacrifice a lot and so did my family. So as Christmas rolls around for the 2nd year in a row, I no longer have to get up at any set time to be somewhere I never understood I had to be. I’m doing the same thing I did last year, and honestly it was one of the better Christmas’. To spend the time with my family, even if its for a few hours I’m learning now about these holidays is the cherished time. You don’t have to spend 12 hours with them, just cherish the moment. They will understand if you can only stay for a little while, even just pop in for dessert, they are your family!

And until the day arrives..all I want for Christmas is to wake up and open my gifts in my pj’s with that certain someone (wherever he may be) and create traditions of our own (and see the family later)!

Thank you…but no, I’m not 26

Just another night of ample people watching with the Angels, fashion disasters and boobies hanging out. A night of unexpected happenings after my phone rang and I quick changed from pjs to jeans. Had I worn anything less and more form fitting the bouncer would have not let me in, instead he would have gave me a free pass to an all-you-can-eat buffet to pack on some pounds. Men in horizontal stripes, argyle sweaters, navy blazers reminiscent of a yuppie yacht owner, All American Rejects hair knockoffs and girls that actually spend money on boots that won’t come back for another 20 years. Yup I had fun people watching, and feau kicking all the hobbit types that came down the stairs, oblivious to what was actually going on as most of the patrons at the establishment were. I started taking bets to see who would fall on my friend after leaning a little to the left on the way down, but I could have sat there all night, just taking notes and waiting for someone to pull the fire alarm. I will not give kudos to the ‘high five’ guy either, no matter how many beers you’ve had to make you believe you are cool…you are still an a-hole. And bar owners need to design bathrooms for men a little better, the view from the door opening all the time was not what I’d want to see, especially when us girls know…you don’t wash your hands.

Things You Don’t Say at Thanksgiving Dinner

..but do anyway..at least at our table

• I’m a legman, but I like the breast better.
• I don’t shoot nothin’ anymore
• I’ve been making love to trees all afternoon.
• The amniotic fluid was green. He was a miracle baby!
• Yeah, she likes the big nuts.
• The pie looks like poopy diaper.
• Can’t you smoke the funny stuff?
• I think that was the best poop I ever scooped!

Beyond the Crayola Box..

My personal life, a hidden tapestry of colors, is mine and only mine. I seldom let my readers and my true fans in on a little something, always for you to decipher and figure out exactly what I mean. Most of the time you don’t get it at all and that is my point. To make you wonder and guess if only at a hint of emotion that I might have at that very moment and for you to take it to another level and color your own story.

I choose not to name names in what I say here and only call out the ones who never called again, the scaredy cats, the ones who start something and never finish it. But not all hope is entirely lost. There is something truly magnificent about a genuine original, with no limits, being just the way you are, being the way he is for that matter. And that my friends is where I leave it to you to color between the lines with an unforgettable hello and a more than perfect goodbye.

My Therapy Rates are as Follows….

Just another Saturday night in stomping grounds that I don’t frequent often because of issues of the patrons but the people watching was at its all time high. Nothing like a John Goodman look-a-like in man-dals and shorts dancing to MJ, while his friends at the bar salivated over this one chick who had a lace top on. Yes guys we love it when you stare and not say anything, it’s typical of Morris County guys. And yes guys we love it when you walk over to us when your friends are at the bar getting shots…oh and I forgot to mention, your friends are girls. Hello…I swear Mr. Clean advertising for the Gap we aren’t stupid.

Besides wanting to hand block a guy who had no game at all in a bad shirt, the kicker had to be the session I had with a guy who’s ‘got a girl’. I was interviewed on what I wanted in a guy, what I was looking for…blah blah blah. This guy claimed he couldn’t figure out women. So I entertained him honestly, and he stuck around for more inquisition and honest answers. In my usual but completely honest voice I told him he’s dating some chick who is plainly screwing with his head and that if he’s not happy to move on. I don’t understand why men are so afraid to move on and be happy if they are miserable. Maybe its too much of an effort for them, just as it is to say “Hello” and not stare at us from across the bar.

Table-jumping and Weird Science

Quite the night at the lucky spot where not only did we meet a guy who was nice enough to bring chairs over to our table so we all could sit down, but then decided to table jump and chat with younger chicks who’s tat tas were hanging out. That’s ok, no harm there, Frank was getting annoying anyway, and we entertained ourselves with two guys out of Weird Science. Next spot wasn’t bad, eye candy was lacking and I noticed that certain guys go out in pairs wearing typical paisan track suits they are also the same height. The smoking section was great, water was flowing nicely, some potential eye candy and a guy or two who smelt very nice. I’ll give them that, along with a very nice dance partner who wouldn’t leave me alone all night. I’m a tough crowd and I speaka English.

Quote of the night: "You're hot!!!"

A New York State of Mind….

Many a sightseeing, people watching adventures, great coffee consuming and continental breakfasts in four days. An experience in commuting I always understood and never took for granted as one may think, but I would never do on a daily basis. Some tidbits from the trip from training with shades of London calling me back…..

· Please watch the gap – some gap at Broad Street
· Man on microphone knocks before announcements at every stop – every single time. Hello..are you listening?
· Le poi san, le poi san hee hee hee haw haw haw
· French and Polish people circa 1985 fashion in line at Empire
· Denium skirt with black tights…I’m having flashbacks of high school dances.
· Chicky streetwalking with man in bright yellow leather boots over the jeans – more like mustard
· Italian man in elevator kept saying “Mangia”
· Joe Pesci look-a-like on the train
· Poonjab waiter at Carmines
· Ahpoo collecting train tickets
· Counting many miles again in same eyewear
· No activity at the firehouse in four days meant no souvenier autographed calendars
· “Rail roaders do it day and night” sign – a bit disturbing and inappropriate at 6 am.
· Guy with bowl haircut from 1987 on ferry…and no I wasn’t seeing things.
· Cypress Hill at Nokia Theater had younger people than us in a line around the corner
· “From the top of the Chrysler Building!!!”
· Sister Mary Margaret taking a financial class
· Fanny pack counting – bet they got theirs at the $1 store too.
· You know you’re not from the US when the guys are wearing skinny jeans
· Cylinder man at seaport was busting a move to ‘Beat it’
· Walking up six flights of stairs to the top of the Empire is really 12 flights.
· Actually being under where the Twin Towers once stood was surreal.

Stupid Questions

The most perfect conversations aren’t scripted, pre-planned or rehearsed. They are improvised and the inquisitive questions that come out of your mouth should not be ones you hear in a job interview because the interviewer can’t come up with anything more creative than what is already scripted. As if these questions really do work and challenge your mind on the fly. There are two questions I can’t stand and will avoid at all costs because they are circa 1995. “Where do you see yourself in five years” & “What do you like to do for fun”. I don’t have a five year plan, I spent most of my past life planning only to have plans never happen, get ignored and thrown under the rug. I know where I want to be next year, how’s that. Ask me if I have any idea what next year has in store for me. That’s a little bit more creative than the generic script of typical questions. Everyone has their own interpretation of what ‘fun’ is. To me, it ranges from poking fun at others which prompts me to write these things, to shopping. “Fun” can be anything. I always have fun, if I’m not having fun then I’m bored. I challenge my fans and friends and family for that matter to think of something other than the norm, and something that isn’t a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. Bring on the multiple choice questions and the ability to think on the fly and not feel that you had to wear an interview suit in order to continue the conversation.

My List

I have a bucket list of sorts, it hangs on my fridge and everyday I’m reminded that I have a lot to cross off, and that’s been there for almost two years. The list has things that I have never done but wanted to and never did in my previous life. A few items are in the category of ‘would like to but not necessary’. This week I drew a pretty thick line through two items that I wanted to do in the city…but never did…because. I’ll leave it at ‘because’. One of the items was to go to the Empire State Building and take the elevator up to the top. Even when I lived down the turnpike from NYC I never went there, in fact, I may have asked to go, for someone to take me there, but that never happened. So after an hour of standing in a line with the sun setting, surrounded by people who were in the city for the Marathon, the elevator went to the 80th floor and I got off and took the stairs another 6 flights. I needed to..I was a scaredy cat. My legs were literally shaking after the elevator floor number passed 60. But once I got outside to view the city I was fine. If you’ve ever seen An Affair to Remember, the story behind the two of them meeting on the top of the building if it was truly meant for them to be together, well, it wasn’t a romantic adventure for me this time….maybe when I go back during the day it will be.

Not a Krausers, Quick Check or WaWa

Dating has been a quest for me, looking for chemistry, a spark of sorts…and that my friends is not easy. I’m not picky but if the spark is not there before you order the appetizer if you even get that far, it will never be. If you pass the first phone call and can boil water you’ve achieved greatness. Honestly its clearly not the year for me to be dating as I meet the ones that try to prove that they are boyfriend material, then disappear for weeks at a time. I’m all about having your own space to do what you want, I’m not one to be with you every moment and throw a fit because you want your man time. However if you disappear off the face of the earth and then call me after you’ve had too many marqueritas on the beach half way across the world I may doubt your intentions. I’m not a convenience package in your life plan and not a convenience at all. It goes two fold, and I know with certain ones they will only make time on their dime, not when I’d like to see them. Should I happen to meet a man with this spark, and if he lives local or halfway across the world, its 50/50 or nothing at all and I only stop for a sandwich at convenience stores.

Heading Back East

Flying hungover sucks….especially when the driver from the hotel to the airport has a romantic playlist for the ride. Nothing like Celine Dion at 7 am singing My Heart Will Go On right after listening to Don Henley’s Hotel California. We hit four bars last night, Jake’s where the hotel driver recommended we go for good karaoke, unfortunately he left out that it smelt like a bad locker room, but we did see some guy belt out “Don’t Stop Believin’”. Another bar had a Monchichi bartender, where a random stranger bought us drinks and we talked to some guy named Charlie on a cell phone and met 2 locals who’s first names had to be Al and Albert (no relation to each other). Something starting with an “N” from the night before where Johnny Knoxville wanna-be was performing and Barney’s which had license plates on the ceiling and a chick who needed extra support for her boobies because they were clearly grapes on steroids. If she bent over she would have needed help getting back up along with two slings. At Barneys we met some guy Adam, who looked like “Where’s Waldo” wanting to follow us to the next joint, he asked where we were going next, and we replied “New Jersey”. He was a local and he didn’t even know where to go. I swear, I can’t make this stuff up!

The highlight had to be the walk from the Spanish bar to Jakes carrying pre-historic weapons to be safe. We had nothing to worry about but just in case we had a huge rock and walking stick in hand for protection.

Sidebars from the 9th Floor

There’s a big difference from people on the east coast compared to those on the west. WE have agendas when meeting new people..they are just being friendly.
- JLo was definitely on point.
- Twin Palms bar brought us some interesting friendliness – we met Lemon Drop, Manny the bartender and participated in a wine tasting event.
- My gal ehhem…Friday
- Saw and heard a guy who looked like Johnny Knoxville meets Michael Buble singing Sinatra sounded exactly like the cd.
- A very short man at the hotel in charge of the car services had horrible unibrow.
- AT&T Building became our compass
- Happy Hour is 3 to 9, mixed drinks were 5, but the martini’s were weak
- Don’t be afraid of the man in the file room
- Saw a little Dolly Parton and a Where’s the Beef lady.
- Counting many miles and I’m not talking air miles
- John the hotel driver drove us to see the 'big cock' - he was lying.
- Yelling your co-workers names in the hallways got us no answer for them to join us on another night out.
- We took the short bus to work on Thursday
- Los Lonely Boys were on our plane
- Water in California does wonders for holding hair styles

If I learned anything in 3 and a half days…its still OK to accept rides from strangers.

In Flight Fun & Games

Now that I’ve got a great buzz going on I can’t stop laughing. Continental upgraded to tv screens with movies, music, games, and sitcoms which provided an ultimate distraction for those of us addicted to word games and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. “I don’t make monkey’s I just train them, haha.” Figures I get stuck sitting next to two guys that don’t speak a word of English and I’m not even sure what language they speak. But it all made sense and things started to add up because of the Octoberfest and weinersnitzel smells before we took off. I’m not kidding, some things you just can’t make up. The magazine that the foreigners were reading next to me said Slitz, and after 3 glasses of wine you know what I thought it said. It resembled Maxim magazine and the accents on the vowels were odd, I knew it wasn’t Russian or Polish, so it had to be German or something else. When those two fell asleep I watched Hancock, and played Battleship and some word game called Bookworm, Alchemy. Airplane fare was chicken Caesar salad with a chicken sandwich, fritos and a snack bar which I couldn’t have because it contained walnuts! Along with that I had Uma Shiraz 2006, from Argentina that wasn’t bad at all, after 2 bottles.

Other random notes from the aisle seats:
- Grandma and grandpa have to pee together
- 2 converse sneaker sightings
- Man in potty line adjusting lower regions at eye level – very discerning
- Many pairs of striped twins
- Why do people walking up the airplane aisles look like they are swimming?
- Guy in front of me got up 5 times to go to the potty
- Realized Pee Wee Herman and someone else I know have a few things in common
- People stretch in odd ways in the aisle
- Man in red plaid shirt, matching red pants and a fanny pack - priceless

After landing, having dinner and a micro-brew we saw kids on skateboards carrying Star Wars lightsabers…no joke. No matter how much I had to drink…I know I wasn’t seeing things.

Pre-Flight Activities

Tuesday:
I slacked off, I didn’t count crocs in the airport like I normally do, sorry to disappoint my fans. But I did count the glasses of vino consumed before boarding and during the flight. Merlot & Pinot were flowing nicely in the airport bar, and had it not been for a great driver from the office, drinking before boarding would have been at a minimum for us. Our 2nd round was on the bartender Jermaine, who enjoyed sports talk with us and put up with the outburst of karaoke with the other guy who looked like Bobby Brown. We ordered chicken fingers which to us looked like chicken thighs and I quote “They are Huge!”.

Our company at the bar was exquisite to say the least. Batting first was some guy from Kentucky with a tattoo on the back of his bicep, very odd placement. Apparently he ‘used to live in LA’ which was standard terminology for those wanna be waiter-actor guys, now he’s in NYC. He never knew that Giants Stadium was in New Jersey. He was semi boring, but not creepy. Batting 2nd was our creepy guy in a purple button down shirt heading to New Mexico. I don’t recall what led to us talking about TFDU and Vegas but my classic line for the afternoon was ‘its something you’d take your wife to’. Giving him a reality check was much needed because he started with the slight touch of arm while talking to us and that was Level 2 creepy. There was another older creepy dude at the bar ordering wine and staring at us, typical for NJ guys anyway, but he got up and left.

Aside from that and the little Juan Valdez coffee stand that I was hopelessly searching for the little man and his donkey, pre-flight activities were awesome and our plane wasn’t delayed.

Down the Shore Everything's Alright

What an unforgettable evening at Steve Steve & Kathy’s wedding…doubling up on vodka crans as suggested by this handsome man I met at the bar, ending the night to Jersey Girl, dancing to the hotel lobby music in the brisk night temperatures and notions of acting out elevator fantasies in the wee-wee hours of the morning. The only thing I left behind was the tranny scene from the hotel bar and my desire to sleep, which was only 50% my fault & all well worth it.

You Can't Handle the Truth!

Nothing bothers me more than hearing falsehoods about myself and then setting them straight which makes it all better. It’s amazing how people just like to start crap for no apparent reason, even ones that you know, are friends with. I’m just thankful I have real friends who will confront me about certain things they hear because deep down they know what they heard was false, untrue, made up, misconstrued. The people who start these falsehoods and continue doing so obviously have nothing better to do because their life is so boring. I’m not sure what you’re trying to prove but I ain’t buying it and I know who you are. Maybe you need to go experience the world for a change and stop viewing it from the remote control.

What's Your Sign?

There’s a funny thing about horoscopes…if I read them at the beginning of the week, I will analyze everything for that week, not that its not normal for me to do that, but I’ll analyze everything around me, who I meet, what I say and do, who I talk to, everything is in high definition. However, if I read my horoscope towards the end of the day just like I did today I find more satisfaction in it if any part of it made any sense. Hmmm…did that happen? Yes it did. Well sorta. Funny how I used to do compatibility tests to tell who I’d get along with, who would be my best love match, why certain signs would not get along with mine. I would get enveloped in it every now and then because its humorous, just something else for me to research.

I can’t say I believe in all that stuff all of the time especially how someone you have never met can predict your day, week, the entire year based on your zodiac sign, but some of it holds truth. I’m not telling you my sign, but something was in the stars this week that might encourage me to swipe a newspaper at the end of the day on the way home from work…..just to see.

Fashion Disaster Friday

On any other typical Friday I do the usual. I get up to go to work for a few hours, only to turn around again to come back home to do errands, chores, hit the post office, bank, go shopping, whatever. I don’t spend too much time people watching unless I’m standing in a line or sitting in a waiting area at the nail salon. Today was different. Today I went to STS after work for an oil change which turned into a 30K service. I sat in the waiting area reading a very funny, vulgar hardcover book, whose title I will not write here and expose the humor that came out of it. STS is a male dominated business. They take pride on making fresh coffee for their customers and informing them of what else might need to be done on their vehicle while its in there for service. I was amazed at the amount of fashion disasters that approached the counter. Had I only a portable piece of electronic equipment I would have typed out everything this one woman had said while she leaned over the counter in her acid washed jacket and sneaks with no socks. I think she was trying to explain how the motor sounded but it was all jibberish to me. I’m not saying that I’m perfect because when I went to the counter I said 30 miles instead of 30 thousand miles because I got distracted by the guy at the counters eyes, only because he was eye level with me. Besides the one woman who walked in with a floral printed handbag wearing the hideous green and blue striped pants, the girl who was wearing the pink bunny pants takes the cake while her boyfriend helped himself to a fresh cup of joe. They didn’t even stay to wait, how dare he partake in a freebee? And the guy behind the counter came out two more times to try to make eye contact with me again while getting coffee for himself, unfortunately I was too engulfed in reading about a woman who was dating a guy similar to carrot top and trying to nickname the woman in the green and blue striped pants from someone out of the cast of the movie Willie Wonka.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go to a bar…

Well not quite a blonde, but we did look like Charlie’s Angels Friday night, decked out to have a night of fun in standard black attire. Our first stop gave us great drinks, excellent dance floor space for shaking our bootys and not being bothered by anybody but two short guys who smelt good that were just…there. We didn’t last long because the eye candy was lacking, not that I cared, I just wanted to dance. We still had fun and tapped out to ‘that girl is Poison’ and off we went back to Mtown. We stopped at the local watering hole due to available parking, even if it was just to visit the ladies room. I didn’t see any of the regulars there, not that I was really looking because my eye sight was a bit off from the lighting in there. But it was a great pitstop – NO LINE!

I’m not sure what came over us because we ended up at the Hopper which to me is like babysitting 3 year olds on a crowded bus. The dancefloor was like a moshpit of complete strangers bumping and grinding and trying not to spill their beers. The eye candy was there like flies on flypaper. Funny thing was the guy who stopped to ask us to watch his friend while he went for beers. He walked off and when the guy returned the Angels told him his friend wanted him in a romantic way. She was a little bit more blunt than that but I think you get the picture. According to one of the Angels another episode at another watering hole was a bit more disturbing in the ‘professing love’ kinda way. At this point I have no idea what name I gave out but our signature career paths made an appearance, and I had a problem keeping track of what name I kept giving out to different guys I had no interest in. At least our place of residence stayed the same and the Angels went along with every story that we fabricated on the fly. Busta Rhymes with Argyle kept hounding us but he meant no harm, especially after buying a round of drinks.

As for the Ex-Devil’s player, he’s lucky I didn’t sock him one because I’m not big on strangers just hugging me for no apparent reason.


“Though running thru the green while the sprinklers was on is funny too. I never did THAT before!”


Tidbit of the night:
You know they are really young when….they call you a half hour later after you leave the bar and invite you to meet them at the diner for breakfast. Then they call you back and want to know when they can see you again, then they send you a text message thinking that just because you danced with them, there’s some sort of connection between the two of you. I don’t remember what I said to him when he called on my way to drop off the Angels but it gave my car a ton of laughter because it was so off cuff.

Wardrobe Change

I've put a new facelift on things, I hope you like the new look. Its a little more me..pink was never my color anyway.

It's All About the Sangria

In taking the lead from someone who does this on a daily basis, I’m going to tell you about my Saturday the 13th. I woke up, had waffles and watched an episode of Burn Notice that I missed back in August, I’m still behind but am in no rush to watch the next one..its not going anywhere on my DVR. My coffee cup got topped off three times but only once was sugar added, and it got me thru a shower and a makeup session before I headed out the door to begin my trek for the day.

I headed to Edison to visit my girlfriend who I haven’t seen in a few years, yes I know, but we all know how schedules & life get. After much needed girl talk at Houlihan’s we headed to Menlo Mall for window shopping, people watching and maybe some shopping. The question of the afternoon was “why would they only have 2 cashiers during a sale?” I guess the girl in the turquoise tights and grey dress with black pumps brought in the massive amount of shoppers because the clothes and I were not getting along. After the mall, we said our goodbyes and her dog decided to say goodbye in his own special way, by slobbering on my arm. I wasn’t anticipating wrestling with a 50 lb dog, especially since I was covering my head like a bear was attacking me.

Off I go back up north to meet the girls and head on into NYC. After our karaoke car sessions with Hang on Sloopy and You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling we found parking, stopped at a corner bar called Paddy’s or Pudgy’s or something and continued on our fun evening. Even after the short bald man who looked like an oompah loompah price gauged the sangria and I sent my first bought of texts saying I saw Stallone we negotiated our way thru the crowd for more sangria. If we hadn’t stopped at the first place we would have met Diego earlier, who was a phony paisan because he didn’t speaka Italian at all, but tried to fake-a the accent. The only real paisan there besides myself was the NYC cop Marcello who oh so nicely waved to us and said hello. After Daphne got her bear with the fangs and Donna negotiated herself a huge Mets bear off one of the venders while the rest of us took our free shots because we knew the buckets were rigged, we found ourselves reverting back to House of Pain and jumping up and down in the crowd to the music. I’m glad the talk of getting tattoos of softballs got swept away by actual palm readings instead.

As far as I remember we all had a great night and thank goodness my head isn’t pounding this morning from the sounds of motorcycles from the last bar we stopped at back in Jersey mixed with the pitchers of sangria we polished off back in Little Italy. It’s also nice to know there is only 1 picture floating out there as proof that any of this ever happened and the main reason for why I’m writing this is still yet to be had. I know it had to do with some people watching and me yelling at people for ‘window shopping’ instead of walking faster in a massive crowd of people.

And that’s it..I got in, kicked off my shoes and hit the pillow after chugging water and aspirin and crossing one more item off my ‘bucket list’.

Look at all these rumors…..

There’s nothing worse than hearing a rumor about yourself that just isn’t true and having it completely ruin your Sunday, especially when I’m surrounded by these people all afternoon and I have no idea who said what. I’m so glad a friend asked me about it, you know how it goes…”I heard you….” and I immediately said, ‘No, that is not true at all’ and cleared the air about that and told them exactly what happened. They wouldn’t own up to who said it, but at least they asked me directly. Unfortunate for the one who started it though because its obvious they have nothing better going on in their life than to start rumors about the newbie. Too bad you don’t have a life, unless your goal was to make the blog, in that case, you’d have to come clean and tell me it was you. I thought we all grew up and stopped playing the rumor mill, guess some people are still stuck in grade school. Just don’t f* with the redhead…just like that nice Chicago Bears fan said.

Truly a Hopeless Romantic at Heart

Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.
Elynor Glyn

Romantic movies that come to mind, in no particular order…influenced by nothing else than a rainy Saturday evening..
Bed of Roses – my favorite flower
My Best Friend’s Wedding – "I’ve got moves you’ve never seen”
An Affair to Remember – "meet me at the top of the Empire State building…"
You’ve Got Mail – “I like to start every sentence as if I’m in the middle of a conversation with you”
The Princess Bride – ‘as you wish’
Serendipity – its all a matter of Destiny
When Harry Met Sally – a man and a woman cannot be just friends….?
The Lake House – something poetic about traditional love letters
Shakespeare in Love – “…where is my Romeo?”

My #1 Fan

“Who is this?…Malorie?” that’s what I get for not picking up the phone for more than a year and reconnecting with my #1 blog fan, but then again, drinking through a tropical storm can fog up someone’s hearing. I would expect nothing less than polishing off a bottle and actually recognizing the person on the other end, and quite surprised I wasn't interrupting anything. I am very happy that he is spending his time wisely with his sugar darlin’ on a Saturday afternoon, very happy to know that she likes him for who he is even when he’s being “ticklish” over a bottle of Captain Morgan.

Turn the Radio Up for that Sweet Sound

Since this doesn’t require anything but the obvious….here’s my top songs for today:

Bryan Adams: If You Wanna Be Bad, You Gotta Be Good
Justin Nozuka: After Tonight
Bruce Springsteen: Jersey Girl
Whitney Houston: If You Say My Eyes Are Beautiful (don’t ask, its an 80’s favorite that used to be hard to find on cassette back in the day)
Pink: So What
The Drifters: Save the Last Dance for Me
Matt Nathanson: Come On Get Higher
Bobby Darin: Beyond the Sea
U2: Where the Streets Have No Name

*Thanks to Eric Carmen for providing the lyric to title this today...and the song is called Make Me Lose Control.

Retracting

I learned today to stop reading into things and just take it for face value, but it is human nature for me to do so not only as a female, and as a Gemini, but because I know exactly what I want and I won’t settle for anything less. I'm going to take a break from this for a while, it may do me some good. Much apologies for this overthoughtful idiot who better not have damn well f-ed it up.

A Red Death in a White Polo Shirt

Its been a very long time since I’ve buddied up with bouncers but I’m glad I know a few after last night, even if he pulled some stupid stunt to get the group mad at each other. I can’t say people watching was at its all time high last night but it had some celebrity mentions, Patrick Swayze meets the Hoff but only about 5’5 in white button down shirt from across the bar nearest to the door. The only eye candy I saw was a guy who everytime he smiled I needed shades, I’m glad he was radiating from across the bar with his three amigos, I’m sure they were blind by the time they left. I won’t comment too much about the young waitress because she was nice to us, but I was questioning her tactics since I know she was putting on a great act for the guys in the group to tip her better because she was leaning over the counter showing the girls. The time I spent writing my notes in my notebook was the amount of time it took the creepy guy to walk from where he was sitting by the video game across the room over to right next to me to order a beer, you couldn’t miss him in his white polo shirt with the colar up - yes colar up, in a Don Johnson Miami Vice kinda way. Not only did he buy his beer, but he lingered behind us and waited till I returned from the ladies room to compliment me on how he loved my hair, in a very creepy, close talking way. When I proceeded to move on to another table with my friend he specifically got in my face and told me not to leave. Um…Level 5 creepy. I’m glad the people I was with were looking out for me, but I think I would have preferred an escort to my car when I left, even though I have my own hidden weapons of mass destruction.

These Things I Can't Just Make Up

You know you are in another state when….the waitress asks you if you are going to yell at her again when she refills your water glass. I didn’t yell at her the first time, it was just post game excitement and carryover from Thunder withdrawls that trailed over into the restaurant on Saturday. I’m surprised she didn’t ask me what was wrong when I started rocking back and forth in my chair like the Brave’s manager.

My behavior was semi-under control yesterday as people watching descended a few rows ahead where 2 couples sat watching the game. The prissy female got up in the 3rd and didn’t return till the 7th after her friend went to look for her. Based on the body language she was giving the guy in Top Gun glasses she was sitting next to she needed a Smirnoff or two to get her through the remainder of the game. After she returned she warmed up a bit and they resorted to knee touching. But it was clearly obvious the guy was a ‘leaner’ and didn’t give up the pursuit, even after the jilted 4 inning disappearance. I did have a fantabulous time and walked away with a souvenier or two, but marguritas are definitely not my tailgating drink of choice. I’ll resort to beer and chips where I don’t mellow out and my behavior is less than ladylike.

A Change Will Do You Good

It’s hard to shut the mind to the oh-so-notso-wonderful words and unkept promises I’ve heard throughout the years and actually let Mr. Romantic in. Call me old fashioned, or a romantic-in-hiding but I am and the simplest things can put a neverending smile on my face. No one ever asked me what my favorite flower is until the other day and that to me is one of many firsts that I sit and shake my head about and the neverending smile appears. Maybe that is what separates the men from the boys.

Scenes from a Movie

On this very night...
20 days ago and counting
along the same stretch of road...
in a dense fog...
just like this...
I kissed the hottest guy I’ve ever seen
Then there was this sound...
Like a glass breaking
From being pushed up against the side of a car
And when they finally pulled them away from the car
From the Twisted... Lip Locking Event
It looked like...
THIS!!!!!!
hooo hooo hooo hooo hooo haaaah!

Yes sir...
That was when I kissed the hottest guy I’ve ever seen and I can’t wait to do it again.

The Creep-O-Meter

Being sceeeved out at a party last year over too many glasses of vino and unnecessary professional closeness and unwanted touching warranted the term Creepy Guy. Creepy Guy frequents the street more than he should (Level 3 on the meter) assuming I’m the resident admin and that I keep everyone’s calendar. But nothing makes my skin crawl more than Creepy Guy asking the local northerners finding out what town I live in to try to carpool with me to work. Ewwwww…da’ nerve – but I am glad I am where I am now even if its far away from where all the action is – for now.

The Village Called....

I’m completely intrigued by those who say they need help or assistance for something and assume that you will just drop what you are doing to help them out. Even after I emailed this person step by step instructions, I received an email basically saying ‘thank you for doing this for me, here is what I need”. Uh no hon, sorry, I’ll give you the bare bones so to speak and you can do the rest, that is what you get paid for. Because if my job title said what yours said I would be doing a different job all together and that is not what I signed up to do. I’m here to help – not to hand hold. The best answer I could have given was “I don’t know how” but that would be lying and if it was our resident idiot I would have lied and said I didn’t have access. Amazing how people are supposed to be in charge of redeveloping sites and posting information and putting together forms, and they claim they have no access or ‘don’t know how”. Lazy.

Dr. Phil is Not In Session

I’ve been dishing out a ton of free advice lately, unsuspecting to me at first that the ‘needers’ are just using that as a way to get close to me, once a week, once every 20 days or so, it varies. Some pull out all the stops, every angle, just to try to get a shoe in the door. Nice try but not buying it. I’m not one to be used as your Plan B either, since you don’t have the balls to get out of your current relationship because you are unhappy and move on with your life, rather you seek an easier out by trying to get caught talking to me. Nice try – but not buying it. I saw that coming a mile away. I’m not one to leave someone in need hanging for advice, especially if you are a close friend of mine, but if you think that by asking me for some sort of advice will get us ‘closer’ in that sick fantasy mind of yours, besides thinking you can have another slice of cake on the side is gonna fly, think again. Life is too short to play games and this session is finished.

What happens in AC stays in AC…

except for the pictures, souveniers from severe Thunder, penis stirrers, perfecting the perfect Mango Martini, candid girl talk, sexy beach poses and a vague visual left over from the beach of a red banana hammock. If screaming for more Thunder counts as a sport than Bob Costas would be more than happy to add me to his Olympic coverage of cycling, golfing, softball, and wading sports for the week after he tastes a perfect margarita that was created by accident with little ice. Today is a quite tiresome start to the week with sore muscles being awaken from strenuous exercise caused by 8 miles and 6 rounds. I’m so out of shape, I’m lucky I can walk and I wish I had some chocolate ice cream.

Renovation 101

The office no longer echos sounds of the jolly green giant, but that of sitting in the dentist chair. Aside from occasional karaoke tunes of Van Halen, and typical construction workers using their carefully tweeked slang as they ogle at the females in the office as if they never saw one before, you can occasionally hear a crow in the distance. Some things never change – even the lunch gaggle trailing cackle and interrogation hour.

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

It's not all about mojitos, fried zucchini sticks and a waiter who had really good hair or a bartender with a bad combover who served the easiest drink first getting short changed on the tip. It may be about sunglasses you don’t want to leave behind, church parking lot rendevous that if the doors to the Church were unlocked, I’m sure the party would have moved inside and not lingered up against a vehicle like you were being frisked by a man who was wearing something similar to a police uniform. Its about a starlit sky, blackened catfish, and the sweet kiss of goodnight.

Chivalry is...

not dead. And I have my fantasy football team name - bring it on boys!

Trailers and Secrets

Side note to July 30th post:

The 'trailer' and the secret that I couldn't reveal at that time was my beer pong partner in crime, Leader of Team Pink's surprise birthday party poolside at the docks. Now why would I mention that on here, knowing that if I did, she'd probably be reading it. Hmmm....I love surprises.

Confirmation Required

I’ve been stood up by a good friend of mine, not only did she say she was going to attend a game with me, but she called once to confirm. So when I called Friday to confirm, I got voicemail and Saturday morning to confirm to find out any particular orders for tailgating I got voicemail. 1:30 rolls around and still nothing, so I did what I could only do, call a few people and see if they wanted to join me and by 2 pm I was on the road delivering the two tickets I had to a friend of mine from work. If she didn’t want to go, she could have just said so. Makes me wonder why people do this in general, just leave you hanging. Just goes to show how many people are unreliable and that I have to cut down my friends lists. But all is not a goner for today as I wonder when the next time I can sip a Chardonnay will be and I know it won’t be at her house.

In My Defense - Just Like A Girl

To my Dear Readers – In my defense it seems my frustrations have gotten the best of me and that the truth hits home for some people, but in all seriousness it is the truth. If you have taken anything personally then its not my fault for telling it how it was and how it is (in general). A shame that it was bottled up for so long and that one stupid thing triggered a massive word explosion. Just know that if you truly piss me off your name will be mentioned and I won’t have the decency to give you closure on the situation – just like a guy. After posting my rampage it seemed fitting that I tell you that the phone call back convenience thing happened again to me last night and no matter how easy I try to make it to get one thing resolved it seems to only get pushed back week after week. I’m not quite sure what the hold up is, but I’ve completed my end of the deal. It just shows what kind of priorities other people have and how things never change in terms of procrastination after all these years.

Anything Guys can do Girls can do…

This whole crazy dating game is just exactly that – crazy. I have to revert back to my playah days, something I’m not very proud of but hey, guys do it, girls can do it to. In my 30’s I’ve learned the cat and mouse game of the present, enough so that its actually pissing me off especially because it is so reminiscent of pre-marital days. The open-ended promises of movies we’ll now never see, places we’ll never go, dinners that we will never share, long weekends in a hotel room and a Jacuzzi that never seem to get booked, sexual positions that will never take place because all it was – was talk. The ‘let’s get together this weekend’ was left as it was said and no plans were made because somebody got a better offer. Now don’t get mad at me if I second guess the nice ones that come along, I mean, look what I’ve been dealing with. I rather you tell me you’ll call me Monday and call me, than say “I wanna take you to the city next weekend” and have that never happen because you never followed through, disappeared or decided walking your pet dinosaur was top priority. But don’t ever tell me you’ll call me later, and then don’t and then I don’t hear from you for days. Its just not right because I’m going to do the same thing back to you – and you’re not gonna like it and I won’t have an excuse for it either. Just be honest, there’s no need to string us along, even if its for a good piece of ass. You wouldn’t like it if I did it back to you – but then again maybe you would.

You want me to like you – and just when I start to you pull all this crap. I’m sorry fella’s I know what I want this time, I have the right to my list of requirements and the game playing for me will only last so long before I get bored with the babysitting.

So guys I’m on to you, and don’t play me, I’m too old to chase you around the playground. But I’ll play your stupid games just like you taught me. I’ll leave my cell phone on, but let all calls go to voice mail – just like a guy, and then decide when and if I call you back. I’ll text message you plans if you do not answer your phone or your IM’s – just like a guy. I’ll continue to text message you plans even though you’ve told me you don’t want to date me months ago because I think you’re playing hard to get – just like a guy. I’ll promise you that we’ll go do things in the city this weekend and name which day, and then never follow through – just like a guy. And I’ll call you when I feel like it, when I’m free to talk, when its convenient for me – just like a guy.

See you don’t have to play the games to get the girl…just be yourself, put down the Monopoly money and get on with your game of Life.

Cause Down the Shore Everything's Alright

Springsteen rocked Giants Stadium last night and you had to be there to witness the heartstopping showstopping E Street Band. The set list was amazing, songs brought me to tears, but that could have been the three drinks I had plus the heat. I could have done without the pot smoke coming from behind but it doesn’t matter because I’m immune to it after all the years of over the counter meds its just not strong enough. The only thing I wasn’t immune to was the sexy man smell a few feet away from me, I asked the guy nicely to stop moving, because every time he moved I got a whiff and that was pure intoxication at its finest, especially during Jersey Girl when I wanted to pounce him right there in the seats but I kept my paws off. Overall the fine Jersey night was perfect, the sky was clear, and I wouldn’t ask for a better end to the month of July and a belated birthday present.

Is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise?

Poor Excuse for Disappearing Act

Due to strenuous activities, softball playoffs and other things including being busy at work obviously I have not been writing, nor have been inspired to write anything worthy of your eyes. July comes to a close with a great way to end the month, including something else I can’t mention on here because of my particular audience who may be reading and I do not want to spoil anything. Stay tuned for the ‘trailer’. Besides citrus clean, jello shots, and a huge calzone without utensils, I’ve been short changed, happy, and exhausted, but not in any particular order. As I raise my cup of nasty coffee from the office this morning because I forgot to pick up milk last night, I toast to the great times I’ve had in July and the memories that will always stay with me like the scar on my forehead I’ve had since childhood.

Reaching the Finish Line

My quest for singlehood and self discovery is almost at a close. Admitting I did this on purpose is not what I’m implying, at least the self discovery portion was well worth it because I am back to being queen of the jungle. As for my dating adventures, the one hit wonders that came and went I don’t think about them, I don’t really care about them either. The ones who text me complete conversations lose my interest quickly, especially those who after they don’t get a response from me after a half hour of the texting back and forth nonsense and then proceed to text me with ‘where’d you go?’. I’m not sorry for losing interest in a game that most teenagers play nowadays, you want to ask me what I do for a living, dial the nine numbers, don’t text it to me. They had enough balls to ask me for my number, they can call to get to know me better. I’ve gained friends for life, enemies that I can do without and kept friends I’ve always had. Lounging, chocolate martinis (my guilty pleasures) and secret code words in espanol, the never-ending requirements list gets more and more interesting by the day and TFDU is more than worth a day off from the daily grind (how many more days?). I know exactly what I want now and there’s nothing stopping me from making me happy. Life is too short.

The anxiousness to sign, seal and deliver hasn’t left yet as there are still blanks that need to be filled in, however the end is near. I do miss what we had but all the underlying factors that went along with it will never change, including all the unconscious others that surfaced during my analytical period which has now commenced.

Where I’m headed next I do not know but these two lanes can take me anywhere.

Its Only Tuesday

...a nice surprise, maybe Batman, Springsteen next week, hitting a triple for the first time this season made the entire week SWEET and its not over yet. Aside from floating in the Hudson River in my red bikini drinking a LandShark and not quite falling for lines like "i lost my frisbee" and "i love you baby" from people I never will ever see again, tonight is my night to do my thang. Because tomorrow I have to get up again and kick some ass at 3rd and hope that I don't open the huge war wound from last night due to distractions from Mexico.

Third times a charm?

Instead of doing the typical local yocal gigs last night, we headed east and hit pubs this time, not T&A clubs. When we pulled up to the Ringside Pub I should have known that due to easy street parking the place would be dead on a Saturday night, and by the time the band went on, it was dead. We had a good laugh at the girl who was sitting on stage with the band behind the drummer, as if she was protecting her man from any bra and panty throwers who would crowd the stage. Grandpa who was sitting next to us, ordered a beer and got up and moved, I don’t think he was enjoying the ‘sex in the city’ type conversation we were having. The bartender was at least friendly, she gave us suggestions where to go down the street and off we went. One Landshark, three amigos, a man who looked like John Lennon and Peter Frampton in plaid pj bottoms later we were out of there. The best part at Cloverleaf was having a Landshark aside from a surfer dude in a black wife beater who was piggybacking on my curls. People watching at both places was in high gear, did I tell you that it was still early on a Saturday night and this two man acoustic band wasn’t packing this place either? I will forget to mention this other place we drove past on the way back west which was closed!

Karma was not making this journey easy for us but we pursued on to our final destination for the night, Miami Mikes. When we pulled up the parking lot was packed, the bar wasn’t which gave us two bar stools to sit our frustrated butts down and have another beer and water on the rocks. I had to laugh at the whole night, in fact I’m still laughing about it. At this bar we saw Larry the Cable Guy, Daddy Warbucks, 2 Harold and Kumars and the bartender who had a block head but was very nice. He seemed to get the joke after he asked what he could get for us ladies…and I replied “you don’t have what we want here”. It was all in good fun and I meant it more for her than for me because I was sitting at the bar taking notes in prime fashion. The highlight of the hour was the three guys who came to sit by us who actually spoke to us. But we have a scenario for that, #1) they were from out of state, #2) they were drunk, #3) they were in their 20’s. My girlfriend confirmed that the reason the yocals don’t talk to us is because we are intimidating, and that only drunk 20 year olds have the balls to and buy us drinks. Nothing like shoeless 20 year olds who have jobs selling soap (don’t ask but we didn’t buy any) talking to us at the bar. They at least had socks on, don’t ask, because I didn’t get it either. It beats the ‘jesus shoes’ from a few weeks ago and any of the stink and stenches that we usually get bothered by. At least I’m laughing about it and turning this into a human experiment.

Madly Madly Madly

The songs sung by today’s adult top 40 ladies are awesome, poetic and say exactly what I want them to, well, not exactly. I could dissect them all and take out the parts I wouldn’t want to say to anyone, but it would ruin the songwriters intentions. Singing my heart out in the car along with the music is ingenious stress reliever for me, and I don’t care who sees me bopping up and down, throwing my head side to side, singing away either. Life is too short to not have any fun even if I’m holding out for a hero for a love like this begging you for mercy.

Season Premiers

Today was no ordinary Saturday morning. I almost burnt my French toast sticks in the toaster oven, but great coffee made up for that. Two cups actually. I woke up later than usual for once, thank you to Tylenol PM sleep was well needed this week for some reason. Besides the kitchen mishaps and neighbor ringing my bell at odd hours this morning there was something just not right about today. Thursday night I tried to watch a show that I recorded last season because I had games the night it was on. I had a game this Thursday too but I tried to watch the season premier, and it wasn’t the same. So I sat down on the couch in my fluffy robe, cup of coffee and my burnt French toast sticks and hit play on my DVR. There was an instant in that moment where time stopped and watching this show just wasn’t the same as it was last season. It doesn’t mean I will stop recording it, it might have been my mood, but whatever it was it has left me in a sullen mood remembering the last episode from last season and how that ended and how this one has begun.

Diary Entry # ?– 7/6/08

There’s no other place I’d rather be on a Sunday than on the couch. I’ll take that back, maybe a few other choice places with a handsome stranger known only to me. As I write my latest entry in my semi-existent diary that I keep for my cherished thoughts and reminiscent times, I have come a long way since last July 4th and the Transformers movie. I’m still caught with the chest protector on in defense of my fragile self who wants to go ‘there’ but doesn’t go ‘there’ because of fear of what the unknown would do to her months from now. Eventually I’ll have to open the window and take a leap, but for now, I’ll leave the curtains drawn and the storm windows shut. There’s a thunderstorm brewing again and that is just not the right weather forecast for what I had in mind. Aside from a little déjà vu this afternoon that I’m still shaking my head about, and the numbers karma that I get when it’s a turkey and swiss on rye day, I’ll put my notations away and resume my lounging spot on the comfy couch…tomorrow is another day to play while everyone is at work.

Footwear Required

Cheers to the 21 year old for attempting the pursuit in ‘jesus shoes’. Anyone stepping into a bar wearing those sandals has to have balls, its just a shame that the only ones daring enough are 21 and under. Too bad I’m just not interested in babysitting.

The Non-Existent Deoterant Smells

I think I’ve figured out why I can’t meet anyone when I go out, its not me, its not them, or maybe it is. Its not the type of place I’m going to because I’ve analyzed it a lot lately and came to one conclusion. Its my girlfriend. She attracts the wrong guys to us, and she also deters the decent ones from me and her, not that I want to meet anyone but you know what I mean. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is she does, what types of nonverbal signals she’s sending but its her. The other night we went out on a mission, to meet anyone. I was on a mission for her to meet someone and that didn’t work either. The only guys that came up to us were reminiscent of those who approached us back in January. I did have fun dancing with Kid N Play with using ‘fun’ as the optimal word because they got annoying. At least the place we went to they got the hint quickly and left us alone to just shake our thang. But the lookers only wanted easy girls who had displayed their T & A.

As President of My Own Fan Club..

As I stand in the outfield contemplating what could actually take place in the next hour and a half the sun slowly starts to set and I scratch my head. I never thought I’d have a fan club.

You Can't Get Your Money Back After 30 days!

Did you ever read those silly articles on your home page about “how to know if she’s into you?” how to know if he’s the one?” I don’t know where these people get their information from but they’ve interviewed the wrong people to compile their lists. I can’t specifically pinpoint my list of ‘signs that I know I’m not feelin’ it” but I can tell you that when I don’t ‘feel it’ I don’t want to be there. Its not hard to know if I like you or not, its usually quite obvious at least to me and whomever my side kick or ‘blocker’ is. By ‘like you’ I mean, want to date you, get to know you better, not just like you as a friend. Now to be politically correct and nice I’ve tried the easy way not to hurt their feelings but I think my next round of let downs will have to be more blunt and to the point. I don’t intend to kick them in the kneecaps unless I absolutely have to bring them down a notch! Sometimes its plain ridiculous because my mind doesn’t come with a 30 day guarantee and yet they still think they can try after or around the 30 days.

Not Your Average One-Hit Wonders

I’ve had a ton of one-hit wonders, by that I mean meeting someone for the first time, having drinks, lunch or dinner. Usually it’s a great conversation but no spark at least on my side of the table. I even spent an entire afternoon with a guy at a place where we had lunch then coffee and dessert, not like the place was kicking us out for being there almost half a day. But as usual, no spark, nada, nothing. I started a spreadsheet too, to track these one-hits, analyze them based on looks, attire, manners and even had a column called “What creeped me out” for obvious reasons. I thought I could compare them all and to see if they made ‘keep or toss’ status (somewhat like Clean Sweep on TLC). That didn’t pan out. Only thing I got from the list besides it taking up some of my time was laughter of my carefully chosen categories and ranking system that I created.

The whole online dating scenario was not for me at all either. I rather meet someone in person and the fireworks represent staying power for more conversation and the ultimate exchange of numbers. (Yes I love voicemail and No I’m not that attached to my phone; text messaging is not considered conversation just used for Yes or No answers/questions and humorous statements.) But then again, that doesn’t always work for me either. I’ve found that I can meet someone in person, have a great conversation, go out for drinks, have a great conversation but next time I see them I wonder what I was thinking! I try to be nice, give almost everyone a chance, they had to say something to get their foot in the door right? Same scenario goes for the ones that I’m nice to and then turn into stalkers because they didn’t think the way I said ‘not interested’ had any sticking power. So I can’t win either way. What I do know is I was trying to meet new people, but I know for a fact, besides when sparks are nonexistent, when I’m having a drink with a one-hit wonder and I’m thinking about someone else its just not going to work. Unless you can persuade me to think otherwise, there will be no kiss at the end of the night for you since I’d rather be kissing someone else.

Foul Ball – Strike 3, You’re out!

I thought I was handling things quite good until the other night. My personal space was violated, not once but twice in the same week on different days. If my wardrobe had anything to do with it, that’s really pathetic because the temperature in the office has been prohibiting me from wearing anything provocative and sexy, so I know that wasn’t the case. Was this just a strange week for strange men in general? I’m not a liquor store after 9 pm, nor am I the neighbors bartender and girl on the side when his chick is passed out on the couch. And I don’t accept freebees in the garage at odd hours of the night either, what a low life that guy is to think I would have changed my mind after all this time. Duh. I’ve reorganized my apartment again so when I swing that 28 oz bat of mine I won’t break anything when and if he comes to the door and when and if I decide to answer it. But I hate feeling trapped in my own place always being on the defensive. I can’t wait to get out of here.

Maybe it was something in the water this week. Maybe the crazy heatwave that triggered such a frenzy with all the wrong people. But that was the highlight until something else happened that I refuse to give any details about on here except for yet another 'closing arguement. Not cool and definitely didn’t score brownie points. I’m glad I have secret weapons in my car within arms reach that I can use at a moments notice, besides slamming my car door on a poor mans fingers. If you can read my mind, I don’t think he remembers a damn thing from all the alcohol he consumed, another thing he denied. Strike two in one week, I hope this weekend promises more Mango Daquiris because I definitely need a few.

I lied

I was asked a question point blank in a round-about way and I lied. Well, I didn’t completely lie, I just withheld information to preserve the delicate strings my heart was held by so I didn’t tell the whole truth at the time and now I think its biting me in the ass. I mean, I wasn’t completely sober at the time either but I think if anything, I would have remembered that and I honestly can say I didn’t remember it. Now if the question was phrased differently however, my answer might have been different at that time, but the chicken in me appeared and I failed to come clean. I can’t go back and change it now and that my friends is regret that I hate to have. If by some sheer hope of a next time, I will not throw caution to the wind, I will just let it fly and take that giant leap just like Julia Roberts in My Best Friends Wedding.

Checking my watch again

Many good old stories say you only find love one time in your life. That there is one perfect moment in ones life where all the stars and planets are aligned correctly and the two of you were meant to meet and spend the rest of your lives together. I do believe that people are meant to meet for a reason or another. You may meet someone and they may have a great affect on your life, you may have an affect on theirs. I also believe that we fall in and out of love many times, that only the truest loves, such as Princess Buttercup and Wesley, never leave your heart no matter where you are in life. That for one reason or another you may continue to run into them throughout your life, unexpectedly, by sheer coincidence or pure luck. The timing may not be right when it happens, timing may never be right for the two of you but eventually when the stars and planets are aligned correctly, even if months and years, decades pass by, and that feeling is still within, that you should reach out and enjoy the ride. It could be timing, it could be a feeling you have that you just can’t deny anymore, but you shouldn’t be afraid of it. After all, its been hanging out like a dirty thought lost in a nice clean mind and just decided to surface and say “Hello, are you friggin blind?” The perfect time for it doesn’t exist, it just happens and you have to take a chance and do things you may never have done before. The ride is exhilarating, nerve wracking and mind boggling, why not reach out and grab what you truly want. First and second chances do not happen often enough for us to shake our head and wonder why we did or didn’t do that. If that second chance comes around to me again, I’m going to reach out and grab hold, I don’t want it to slip by because if I do, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Back up in the Air (Almost)

- Note to self – do not attempt to read a book while intoxicated or having a good buzz – words just jump off the pages.
- Child behind me is kicking my seat and we haven’t taken off yet.
- My window is a little cleaner this time around.
- Oh this is going to be a fun trip with screaming child. “I want candy” she said 11 times and we haven’t taken off yet!
- OK let’s taxi and sit for awhile..again.
- At least the child behind me has stopped wanting candy!
- WTF are no-see-ums?
- My stomach is on fire right now – so much for SPF, or lack of.
- “I need Barney – not candy”- at least she stopped kicking.
- For the most part the sunset from the tarmack was a goodone.
- No music on this plane either – wtf!
- This is why I don’t like to drink before I get on a plane. Everytime I hit the bar early, I get delayed and delayed again. Why get an early buzz just to waste it?
- Now I’m watching thunderstorms – where’s my beverage?
- No beverage but I found my spot to focus on! Focus – young g-hoppa’!
- Pilot said we’d be flying over Raleigh, DC, Philly and into NJ – I’ll attempt to wave again.
- Its 10:25 pm..where are we? (notice the time lag in entries due to beverage service and concentration on storms).

What to do in the airport when you are delayed

Shopping, drinking, making drunk phone calls to friends, people watching, and talking to perfect and not so perfect strangers. You know when you take a seat that isn’t occupied in the waiting to board area and you kindly ask the person if there was/is anyone sitting there? Then you sit down and somehow that seems like it was an invitation to open a conversation. You get to the point where you just want this person to shut the f-up because you have had a few beers and can’t keep your thoughts straight. Now you hope this person isn’t sitting near you or next to you on the plane. Thankfully so this one wasn’t, and I got to enjoy a cold one all to myself!

Going back north..or so I thought

I started the day with breakfast, holding my cousin’s son Blase Carl and sitting poolside until it was time to put the top down and go to the airport for a flight time of 5:58 pm back to EWR. Airport check-in indicated a flight change to 5:10 pm, no problem man. I go thru security, stand in yet another line (here we go again with lines) at Quiznos for grub and my phone rings. It’s my uncle who had a 1:10 flight who’s still on the concourse. Now I’m looking at a 4-5 hr delay since his flight time is now mine! Lovely.

On to the departure festivities:
- 5 hr delay
- 22 oz beers (2 Sam Adams, 1 Bass) and 1 smaller Sam A at Miller’s Brew Pub
- 3 delayed flights..gee all to EWR
- 2 on time departures (to Albany and Philly)
- Bathroom on concourse doesn’t have trough that Mom was talking about.
- 1 guy with bright orange crocs on
- Why else would a flight be delayed? Duh. (man asks bartender stupid question)
- No one has asked me what I was writing
- I completely adore the guy leaving the bar with purple and black man bag.
- Make that 2 men with purple man bags
- Its nice to be the only chick at the bar with 22 oz beers!

Total croc count overall - 4

Knowing that your parents connecting flight gets them off the ground and back home before you – friggin priceless!

The Main Event

Before I begin…do not fight with sister in elevator even if it means when the doors open you are pulling each other’s hair out! Fake fighting still hurts!

Reception Observations and key quotes (not that I was paying attention or anything):
Chicky in brown dress shouldn’t bend over to pick anything up for potential of unleashing the girls. “They’re real and they’re huge!”
I’m waiting to see the chicky in the black lace dress sit down and bend over, that in itself is a challenge.
“Dancefloor looks like 287 – unsafe and unstable.”
“Last time he’s gonna have the upper hand.” – kudos to the best man!
“She’s a cougar” – ha ha, sorry boys, you wouldn’t have a chance in hell anyway.

Side note: I never thought I’d be laying in my hotel room conjuring up ways to get back at the screaming sorority girls in the hallway who were decorating and fertilizing the poolside trees once they made their way outside. I’ll never tell you what I came up with either.

Total croc count at wedding - 0

Gators and Cheese & Drinking 40’s by the pool

At this quaint, not quite 3 miles away from the hotel restaurant called Sand Dollar, for appetizers at dinner, we had Gator bites. Taste like chicken and look like chicken fingers only chewier! The food there was outstanding, and you can’t get Grouper stuffed with Crab here for $16 including sides!

Kudos to the Wisconsin cheeseheads by the pool for continuing to talk to us even though we were giving them the ‘go away’ northerner attitude..not only that, coming back for more later on and still offering us a beer. Dig the cut off sleeves man and the jesus shoes.

In pure hillbilly spirit, I had to get a 40 oz beer and drink it in my red bikini by the pool. I had some help though, but the sheer humor of it all was priceless.

For all you single ladies, if you wanna meet men, go to the Wendy’s across the street from the hotel, they may be smelly, dirty and no speakaenglish but the ratio was 10-1!

Bud Weis ERRRR

I don’t know what happened at the Budweiser Brewery to cause the bartender in the hospitality room to be so mean to us ‘northerners’ after he carded all of us for company policy. No one has every put a beer in front of me and said “Here’s your beer Jersey Girl” with a sarcastic tone to it. At least he treated me better than my sister, he asked her if she wanted to smell her beer first. For 2 free beers and a tour with a chick who I could swear had chew in her mouth, we had a blast. Even after we toasted with chocolate milk and pretzels and drove past “Diamonds” which no one, not even the groom wanted to stop and catch a go-go.

Food Court Funnies

While waiting for my sister in the food court I had several celebrity spottings, fashion disasters and key terms:
- Mini Ah poo on wheels
- What’s with the “ya’ll”
- The food court has rocking chairs, interesting choice of seating.
- 1 woman with crocs
- 1 kid with crocs with Mom larger than Grimace. Certain ‘fixtures’ had mind of their own.

This is definitely what I’d like to see waiting to board a plane: 2 airline pilots pull up to the Grille & Tavern. Thankfully they were just checking out the menu.

- 1 Army man
- 2 Navy men
- 1 Will Farrell lookalike
- 1 ground man carrying lavender man bag (by grown man, I mean in 30s-50’s)
- 1 nun/priestess dressed in purple with huge cross bling
- 60 yr old grandpa with rainbow bandaid on knee.

Total croc count thus far: 3

And by the way, the Candy Apple Red Mustang Convertible is hot! Did you know if you leave the top down during a rainstorm it doesn’t puddle up in the back seat?

A View from my Window

A View From My Window Seat on the way to JAX:
- I come prepared with the free headphones I used from my Vegas trip, only to find out that this plane doesn’t have music!
- Flight attendant (male) with Aussie accent safely guides us on plane for the ‘fit and fly’ portion of the ride. “Watch your step up”
- I find that talking to my rowmate makes the 2 dings come much faster.
- Wine is served at 9 am! Yippee
- From the air, houses are so neatly organized
- Baby screaming a few rows in front of me sounds like zoo monkey. (It’s a delayed waaaaa…waaaa)
- I still don’t have any music!
- Right now our plane is #21 to take off….which in airport time is 23 minutes, thanks to the Pilot.
- Finally, beverage cart arrives! But not in my aisle dammit!
- Would you like a muffin? “Yes, but where’s my beverage!!”
- What would they say if I asked for 2 muffins? Hmmm
- 2004 Chateau Du Vieux Parc Cobiere’s – ah vino. Cheers at 9:46 am!
- I wonder if my sis is drinking right now..hmmm
- I have no idea where we are just that its green and possibly hillbilly area. They should have a ½ hr update – you are here!
- Took me 9 minutes to empty the bottle, love the shots of wine philosophy.
- You ever notice how dirty the windows are?
- I’m trying to hold out on my last sips from my glass so my buzz can last a bit longer.
- What’s with the guys wearing old fashioned headphones? I guess sitting in first class gives you music privileges – who do I have to smooze with?
- HI! I’m waving..can you see me? I’m assuming I’m right over the spot where you are vacationing. You realize if the plane had no bottom all you’d see was feet?
- 10:10 am Where the hell am I?
- I just noticed the “no people” sign on the engine thing, there’s even an ‘access hole’.
- I crack myself up! I hope no one notices me laughing at myself.
- “Caution..do not open fan cowl until leading edge slats are retracted and deactivated. See instructions inside door.” Inside what door?
- I just saw something that looked like 8 pieces of toast, on the ground of course, neatly lined up like tic tac toe.
- I should be sober enough to drive, ha ha..its only 10:15 am. (by the time my sis gets to the airport I mean)
- Where’s the music goddammit! I got a cool playlist on my Vegas trip – this blows!
- BTW, I’m writing this as I’m thinking it..if you care.
- Ah I finally took my last sip and had some muffin. Its free after all. I think a 2nd wine would cause me to stumble off the plane.
- My idea of finding a spot to stare at is not working!!!! The clouds keep moving. You wonder why I drink!
- Lavatory sign reads “avatory servicio”
- I think I’m going to call you when I land. LOL, hahaha.
- Amazing how much I’ve written since we took off. If I had a laptop I’d be sooo annoying.
- I hope you appreciate the time and effort I put into writing this. Can’t wait for the return trip! (I thoroughly enjoy the window seat but achieving ‘mile high’ status doesn’t excite me right now.)
- Are we there yet?
- Note to self: after claim baggie and get car, get camera out of baggie to embarrass sister at airport.
- I don’t think I wanna live down south, from the air..there is nothing here.
- After a while, the plane smells like farts.
- “Can we eat first?” – oh sorry, I wandered to yesterday – nevermind.
- 10:40 am Just saw a cloud that looked like an erect penis
- Where are we?
- 10:55 am I have to pee
- We just flew over complete swamp land.

Massive Lines

I wait in a line (check-in) to wait in a line (security) to wait in another line (bathroom) to wait in another line (food) to wait in another line (boarding) to stand in another line (departure).

Scenes from EWR concourse: I notice one little girl wearing crocs. Brandon Jacobs #27 on NY Giants comes over to little boy wearing his jersey to say “HI”.
Total croc count thus far = 1

Keeping it PC

I may be rash in what I say here but at least when I’m at work in a professional setting I do not use terms that would sound offensive and inappropriate in front of other co-workers or players from out of state. For instance, if I was using a person as an example I would use Joe Smith instead of Joe Blow. How that can freely flow off of someone’s tongue is beyond me but I’m glad the phone was on mute because it was sheer laughter on this end of the line.

Something and Something Else....

Funny how a stranger makes reference to something, and something else that I really never considered, and I admitted to...even if nothing was ever written in stone or discussed with me. Either way I did admit to it a few times and backed it up with an affirmation, and the more I think of it, the more I like the sound of it.

Enter the Zone

Hypothetically speaking….you’re dating or seeing someone (however you define ‘seeing’ and ‘dating’ is up for you to decide since the terminology is so modernized and defined differently by everyone). What are the signs that you’ve entered the ‘relationship zone’? Are there any signs? Or as we as stupid humans supposed to let our assumptions rule our mind in thinking two or three meetings would lead to a mutually exclusive relationship? A relationship shouldn’t be assumed, but mutually agreed upon, at least that is how I see it and so do my 'signs'. One can’t want something that the other doesn’t want. You have to be on the same page. AND there has to be sparks! Reply ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – ‘are you seeing anyone else? ‘do you want to?” In my opinion, if I answered ‘no’ to those questions asked by the hypothetical man in this hypothetical scenario and so has he then I could “enter the zone”.

And, if, hypothetically, I forego all assumptions and hand this man a form with ‘check yes or no’ and if I get it back with a check next to the right box, then it becomes a real scenario where assumptions go out the door and he’s claimed his territory.

Why Global Truly Means Global

Nothing to start the week off quite like a global email gone bad. A memo was sent ‘globally’ and by that I mean the “to: said “Everyone-(at various locations)” which went to about as many people as a Mercedes cost. It was informative but it also prompted mass email drama from those who wanted to comment and put what kind of degree they had at the end of their name, hence the term suffix and everyone trying to one up the other based on that piece of paper they earned after their 4 to 10 year plans of school. The dramatic rubberband ‘reply all’ effect triggered a ‘street festival’ of comments and laughter. The best section of the emails that I caught was the geek squad member who replied to all indicating why subscribers could not get ‘unsubscribed’ to the “Everyone” list. The only way to get unsubscribed would be to get fired obviously then you are removed from all lists. If people were smart they would move the ‘global’ emails to their SPAM folder or to a personal ‘global’ folder where they can dump it later instead of dumping on everyone else. But I’ll return back to the book I was reading instead of these adolescent distractions and find my page marked with a lucky notecard about the TFDU and a fine horse race ticket.

One Dolla, One Dolla..Everything One Dolla

I learned about reflective sunburn this weekend after running a garage sale and sitting in the garage for most of the sweatfest temperatures while selling water bottles for a buck. Sitting in the garage did not protect me from the suns rays bouncing off the black pavement in the driveway causing my shins to turn a nice shade of pink, hence the need for SPF. The “Guess My Age $.25” sign was flipped to “Keep Staring $.50” by a slight breeze, and the highest bidder was $5.00. I told him to go home and kiss his wife. But that was not the highlight. The highlight was having 2 menoise se toi’s (misspelling & probably not what you are thinking) and seeing Mario Andretti have dinner at a posh place wearing nothing but a tshirt and shorts.

Ah the good old days.....

Reminiscing about the old neighborhood....
Strolling reached an all time high of 42 times in one day, meanwhile the total combined amount of consumed water bottles between the healthier kids on the block equal 120. That would be $120 dollars if we were to pay vendoland for the water not that they’d change their style and add juice or eliminating the sugar containing soda that keeps most of these people stuck in their chairs when its 80 degrees outside. They should get up and stroll…it does a body good.

Ah...hmmmmm

Its late Sunday afternoon and she sits by her window carefully composing her thoughts in her diary…yes, I said diary, that she keeps. It’s not a typical diary but it contains many volumes of thoughts. It could be anything lately and fortunately it’s not a daily entry anymore because the pens would run out of ink and the notebooks were becoming expensive. The sun is beautiful at this time of day as it slowly sets beyond the trees in the distance, sometimes hidden by clouds, other times just hanging out like a shirt that doesn’t want to be tucked in. As the pen continues to write and the lines on the pages slowly become filled with never ending descriptive words she pauses…slowly looks out the window and smiles. If you only could imagine what she just wrote down and only I know, and will know as those pages will come to rest when indeed it is my time. But for now, I write for me and sometimes about you and for you. So now, as I conclude I have carefully composed my vague thoughts once again and exposed to you absolutely nothing but a reflection. Today I was not pissed off by my neighbor or anyone else for that matter…but my thoughts took on a mind of their own and only I know where they went.

Playing in the Sandbox

I’m not quite sure where to begin, other than I’m not playing reindeer games with anyone even for the sheer thrill or sport of it anymore. Life is too short to play recess games and go on carnival rides to test the boundary lines with innocents who truly don’t have ‘game’ at all. I will give them kudos for trying and apologize if the cohorts and myself made the innocents out to be fools. Fortunately I’ve been spinning the wheel of fortune in hopes to advance my gamepiece in the right direction. I don’t know if I’m winning or not, sometimes the odds are against me and I have to go back to start. But I won’t stop rolling the dice until I run out of monopoly money or buy all the houses on my side of the game board where maybe one day you’ll be lounging with me on Boardwalk cheering on the number 5 horse.

Happy Birthday to Me

I have to say my birthday was special this year: a fun night out with a good friend of mine and other friends, wives, husbands, countrymen haha, with a blinking ‘kiss the birthday girl’ pin that never got any kisses..thank goodness and a shot glass that remained in the car. Seeing old friends and hearing from them after a year or so with birthday wishes…and to top it off was a sweet surprise that appeared in my inbox when I finally sat down to open email at home. I opened the email and hit play and let it play till I thought it was going to end, but it never did. I sat there laughing, smiling, and so happy that an ecard would have such an affect on me even to provoke impure thoughts. But it did and slowly but surely all my bad birthday memories are disappearing and I will have to think of a really good way to repay that gift..and I know just the thing.

The Nerve Part II

I'm still trying to decide if this is worth posting..after the VO incident, and him intentionally parking his vehicle in front of my garage to wash it so I can't get out, yesterday he parks his vehicle in between both our garages so I can't swing in. After driving about an hour home, its not what I want to come home to. Maybe I'll have to spike the VO for him next time he knocks, but I'm awful tired of being nice.

The Nerve

Some people have some nerve….to knock on my door and think they can buy a bottle of vodka from me? What do I look like a liquor store? I swear, it reaffirms the goal of getting out of that apartment as quick as I can because I’m so tired of dreading that knock on the door from the man upstairs. No I didn’t sell him any VO, I gave him 2 beers that had been sitting in my fridge for about 4 months. You think I’m going to give up my good stuff? I don’t think so.

Here's to you...Mrs. Robinson

Funny how people are in general…first nice and friendly, usual chit chat, banter back and forth and then they get all weird. Last week someone asked me for a practice date..yeah I know, what the hell is a practice date. Anyway, this dude is much younger than me and told me that I was a good representative of women my age, later followed by “I want to date older women” and “we should go on a practice date”. Needless to say I find this impeccably amusing in a Mrs. Robinson kinda way, aside from the fact that I’m just not interested. I do admire the balls the dude had for attempting such a feat. The ploy for a practice date when he was really hoping it would be a real one. He hasn’t reached stalker potential yet and I have him as a low threat level. I would have had no problem if he asked for dating advice but as for a potential suitor for me, not gonna happen, and neither is that practice date since I shot him down on site. Can’t fault a guy for trying but my sights are elsewhere at the moment.

"My Favorite Time of the Year"

Nothing better than a nice spring afternoon having lunch on a patio with wildflowers, making me not want to return to work at all, but to kick back, relax and enjoy the new ride. It totally beats waking up to coffee grounds slipping thru the filter and adding a little flavor to my daily dose of java.

Not a WOW Wednesday

After having a hairdryer malfunction, my purse spilling out in the garage, forgetting my totebag and essential passwords, and hitting every light possible on the way to work besides the slow ass Lexus drivers I meet up with along the way, I can tell today is going to be very interesting - I’m at karmas mercy.

Put Up Your Dukes

I admit, after putting up a great fight, I lost the Coke vs Sprite Debate. I claimed, argued, debated that Sprite had less sugar/calories because it wasn’t as syrupy as Coke (due to Cokes darkness in color). Here is what I found doing my research and having myself proved wrong:

In an 8 oz size bottle and some help from the internet nutrition counters:
Coke – 97 Cals, 33 mg Sodium
Sprite – 96 Cals, 47 mg Sodium
Dr. Pepper – 100 Cals, 35 mg Sodium
Diet Coke – 1 Cal, 28 mg Sodium
Lipton Green Tea – 80 Cals, 70 mg Sodium
Water – is Water

I’m not sure what I owe now that I’ve lost this horrid Debate, I don’t recall putting any monetary wagers or anything of that sort on this however, I’m sure I owe something. But I will continue to drink water and green tea and treat myself to Sprite. Don’t let the Diet Coke 1 Calorie mumbo jumbo fool you – it still has sugar in it!

A Blast From the Past

I am completely blaming everything on my wardrobe today. My new royal blue, fitted trench, which was a complete steal from Nine West, a periwinkle blue cowl neck shirt. I double – blued it today and what happens? I see my ex..probably the only one who I would call ex before the husband because we had a potential of walking down the aisle..as per the ‘3 year trial run’ fake engagement ring he gave me, even though we never made it past 7 months even after picking up again. That was 12 years ago and why does it still bother me? Because the one reason why I’ve hated my birthday..was it marked the day he broke up with me. After dropping off my car at the dealer for service today and having to sit in the waiting room for almost an hour for valet service back to the office, who walks over to me but him. We chatted, caught up so to say and I think for some strange reason it cleared whatever dust particles were left in the air after we broke up. He hasn’t changed much, aside from a few irrelevant weights and measures but I am glad to see he’s done something good with his life and bounced back after a divorce and getting married again. Amazing what 12 years can do to a person, even if for just conversation purposes “you look great” rolled smoothly off his tongue. After all the times I’ve brought my car there, eventually I would have ran into him or ran him over.

Would you care for some Grey Poupon?

Almost every day when its not nicer than 75 degrees out, I sit at my desk and eat my lunch. I occasionally indulge in reading a trashy novel of some sort or a crime drama where eventually the two main characters end up in bed together to delude my day for at least an hour. These tedious distractions take me far far away from the constant banter I hear from down the hall in the oh-so-art deco open area kitchen and the unmentionable sounds that I am surrounded by. The banter is from ladies who will sit and complain about everyone, yet, they never will complain directly to their supervisor about anything, they want someone else to fight their battle. The same group sits at the same table at the same time, surrounding themselves with a bag of Lays potato chips, asking everyone who eats their lunch in there a series of questions. “What is that?” “Did you make that?” “Where did you find the recipe?” “Oh, I made one just like that”…typical irrelevant conversation. I occasionally sit in there to read when no one else is in there, because it’s a different atmosphere and I get to people watch to make these blogs a little bit more interesting. Did I mention the guy who had loafers on but no socks? Anyway, as lunch goes on, I don’t think people realize that their voice travels down the hall into the cubicle world we reside in about nine hours a day because if they did, I sure wouldn’t be writing this. I hear everything…and I have been able to block out the microwave sounding that lunch is ready, in similar fashion to a dinner bell. I can also tell who’s in there, and that serves its purpose when Creepy guy is in there, the alarm goes off to everyone else to ‘stay out of the kitchen’. And yes, the banter from the kitchen is like a flock of crows cawing, scaring others away who would normally sit in the kitchen and eat. You are probably wondering why I wouldn’t go out to eat, well, that gets expensive, but when the weather is nice, I do go outside to eat at the picnic table, where I can hear the soothing acoustic sounds of a one man band show on guitar, while working on my tan. Now, the unmentionable sounds that I have become accustomed to after sitting here for such a short time, besides people from three aisles over clearing their throats and nasal congestion, I get serenaded after lunch by a fart-while-I-walk and sit old man. I have to give him props for just freely letting one go every now and then, at times he sounds like a symphony without an accompanying trailing smell. Do you think he’d mind if I turned around and high five him “Hey, that was a good one!” Hum, I might just have to try that one day.

Just Be Yo-self

If you can't be yourself around certain people in your life, that should strike up a red flag. AND if they won't accept who you are and then want to change you or expect you to change for them...well....do I even have to go there?

So be yourself...don't change it if it ain't broken and don't do it for anyone other than yourself. Because in the end, the only person you have to answer to..is YOU.

Re-inspired

Hello Mr. Sunday Night, its been a while I know, but I haven’t had much to say. In fact it was almost 2 months since I wrote a poem until the other night. Unfortunately I’m not sharing this one with my readers just yet, it’s still very delicate and fragile to me as I again pour out my feelings on paper as I so often do in a way that is usually misunderstood by you anyway – my intention though words always creep up by surprise. Words don’t come so easy these days, I guess that could mean a few different things, that I am content or that things haven’t annoyed me lately. Its not worth analyzing over right now, at least my fingers are at rest from the staggered keys I normally punch so violently. Either way, I’m downing 3 aspirin tonight to get me thru the night’s aches and pains from the tournament yesterday. I’d give Arod a run for his money at 3rd but right now, I’d rather be sharing chocolate covered strawberries, a glass of champagne and a hot tub, hmmm, maybe I’ll just think about that for now because doing is not an option tonight.

Warning - Rising Waters

I don’t know why I never noticed this before. Why it occurred to me, why I just happened to look down and see a flood. But I did, and I kept looking for the next flood after another and the hits just keep on coming in all directions, from both men and women. I have never seen so many flood offenders in my life in one place. I will admit there were times where my pants length did not measure up but not on a daily basis. To top it off, gingham checked shirts are widespread, and I’m not sure half these people have looked in the mirror lately or if their clothes are laid out for them the night before. There is a big difference between gingham and plaid, and mostly flannel shirts come in plaid, gingham is used for table clothes. Of course I’m sure Stacy and Clinton on TLC’s “What Not To Wear’ would be astonished to know how many offenders we have in one location, they might even designate a Fashion Prevention Day. But like all of you, I too am an offender so I’m not perfect either, but at least I don’t walk around with 3 pens in my pocket that are all the same while sporting my high school varsity jacket.

Gazing out my Window....

He made me want to become a better person and that is when I started looking at life in a different way. I stopped dreading things and just learned to enjoy them realizing that not every moment had to be planned and perfect and followed by stress. I started sleeping better at night, not worrying all the time about stupid things in my life, and I began to dream again, and not that it was a good thing but it was a start even after we had a bedtime story or two. I can’t give him all the credit though, because I had to step back and take a deep breath before this brainstorm appeared out of the blue. Whether it was hours or days ago, our first date, the first movie we saw and when we saw it (he has to fill in the blanks since my memory seems to fail) it will always be just as sweet as the dessert we shared. As I type this in my cherished spot by the front window at my living room table, with a little touch of enlightening background music, I know you could be reading this while we share the same sunset.