Saturday, October 25, 2008

Not a Krausers, Quick Check or WaWa

Dating has been a quest for me, looking for chemistry, a spark of sorts…and that my friends is not easy. I’m not picky but if the spark is not there before you order the appetizer if you even get that far, it will never be. If you pass the first phone call and can boil water you’ve achieved greatness. Honestly its clearly not the year for me to be dating as I meet the ones that try to prove that they are boyfriend material, then disappear for weeks at a time. I’m all about having your own space to do what you want, I’m not one to be with you every moment and throw a fit because you want your man time. However if you disappear off the face of the earth and then call me after you’ve had too many marqueritas on the beach half way across the world I may doubt your intentions. I’m not a convenience package in your life plan and not a convenience at all. It goes two fold, and I know with certain ones they will only make time on their dime, not when I’d like to see them. Should I happen to meet a man with this spark, and if he lives local or halfway across the world, its 50/50 or nothing at all and I only stop for a sandwich at convenience stores.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Heading Back East

Flying hungover sucks….especially when the driver from the hotel to the airport has a romantic playlist for the ride. Nothing like Celine Dion at 7 am singing My Heart Will Go On right after listening to Don Henley’s Hotel California. We hit four bars last night, Jake’s where the hotel driver recommended we go for good karaoke, unfortunately he left out that it smelt like a bad locker room, but we did see some guy belt out “Don’t Stop Believin’”. Another bar had a Monchichi bartender, where a random stranger bought us drinks and we talked to some guy named Charlie on a cell phone and met 2 locals who’s first names had to be Al and Albert (no relation to each other). Something starting with an “N” from the night before where Johnny Knoxville wanna-be was performing and Barney’s which had license plates on the ceiling and a chick who needed extra support for her boobies because they were clearly grapes on steroids. If she bent over she would have needed help getting back up along with two slings. At Barneys we met some guy Adam, who looked like “Where’s Waldo” wanting to follow us to the next joint, he asked where we were going next, and we replied “New Jersey”. He was a local and he didn’t even know where to go. I swear, I can’t make this stuff up!

The highlight had to be the walk from the Spanish bar to Jakes carrying pre-historic weapons to be safe. We had nothing to worry about but just in case we had a huge rock and walking stick in hand for protection.

Sidebars from the 9th Floor

There’s a big difference from people on the east coast compared to those on the west. WE have agendas when meeting new people..they are just being friendly.
- JLo was definitely on point.
- Twin Palms bar brought us some interesting friendliness – we met Lemon Drop, Manny the bartender and participated in a wine tasting event.
- My gal ehhem…Friday
- Saw and heard a guy who looked like Johnny Knoxville meets Michael Buble singing Sinatra sounded exactly like the cd.
- A very short man at the hotel in charge of the car services had horrible unibrow.
- AT&T Building became our compass
- Happy Hour is 3 to 9, mixed drinks were 5, but the martini’s were weak
- Don’t be afraid of the man in the file room
- Saw a little Dolly Parton and a Where’s the Beef lady.
- Counting many miles and I’m not talking air miles
- John the hotel driver drove us to see the 'big cock' - he was lying.
- Yelling your co-workers names in the hallways got us no answer for them to join us on another night out.
- We took the short bus to work on Thursday
- Los Lonely Boys were on our plane
- Water in California does wonders for holding hair styles

If I learned anything in 3 and a half days…its still OK to accept rides from strangers.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

In Flight Fun & Games

Now that I’ve got a great buzz going on I can’t stop laughing. Continental upgraded to tv screens with movies, music, games, and sitcoms which provided an ultimate distraction for those of us addicted to word games and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. “I don’t make monkey’s I just train them, haha.” Figures I get stuck sitting next to two guys that don’t speak a word of English and I’m not even sure what language they speak. But it all made sense and things started to add up because of the Octoberfest and weinersnitzel smells before we took off. I’m not kidding, some things you just can’t make up. The magazine that the foreigners were reading next to me said Slitz, and after 3 glasses of wine you know what I thought it said. It resembled Maxim magazine and the accents on the vowels were odd, I knew it wasn’t Russian or Polish, so it had to be German or something else. When those two fell asleep I watched Hancock, and played Battleship and some word game called Bookworm, Alchemy. Airplane fare was chicken Caesar salad with a chicken sandwich, fritos and a snack bar which I couldn’t have because it contained walnuts! Along with that I had Uma Shiraz 2006, from Argentina that wasn’t bad at all, after 2 bottles.

Other random notes from the aisle seats:
- Grandma and grandpa have to pee together
- 2 converse sneaker sightings
- Man in potty line adjusting lower regions at eye level – very discerning
- Many pairs of striped twins
- Why do people walking up the airplane aisles look like they are swimming?
- Guy in front of me got up 5 times to go to the potty
- Realized Pee Wee Herman and someone else I know have a few things in common
- People stretch in odd ways in the aisle
- Man in red plaid shirt, matching red pants and a fanny pack - priceless

After landing, having dinner and a micro-brew we saw kids on skateboards carrying Star Wars lightsabers…no joke. No matter how much I had to drink…I know I wasn’t seeing things.

Pre-Flight Activities

I slacked off, I didn’t count crocs in the airport like I normally do, sorry to disappoint my fans. But I did count the glasses of vino consumed before boarding and during the flight. Merlot & Pinot were flowing nicely in the airport bar, and had it not been for a great driver from the office, drinking before boarding would have been at a minimum for us. Our 2nd round was on the bartender Jermaine, who enjoyed sports talk with us and put up with the outburst of karaoke with the other guy who looked like Bobby Brown. We ordered chicken fingers which to us looked like chicken thighs and I quote “They are Huge!”.

Our company at the bar was exquisite to say the least. Batting first was some guy from Kentucky with a tattoo on the back of his bicep, very odd placement. Apparently he ‘used to live in LA’ which was standard terminology for those wanna be waiter-actor guys, now he’s in NYC. He never knew that Giants Stadium was in New Jersey. He was semi boring, but not creepy. Batting 2nd was our creepy guy in a purple button down shirt heading to New Mexico. I don’t recall what led to us talking about TFDU and Vegas but my classic line for the afternoon was ‘its something you’d take your wife to’. Giving him a reality check was much needed because he started with the slight touch of arm while talking to us and that was Level 2 creepy. There was another older creepy dude at the bar ordering wine and staring at us, typical for NJ guys anyway, but he got up and left.

Aside from that and the little Juan Valdez coffee stand that I was hopelessly searching for the little man and his donkey, pre-flight activities were awesome and our plane wasn’t delayed.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Down the Shore Everything's Alright

What an unforgettable evening at Steve Steve & Kathy’s wedding…doubling up on vodka crans as suggested by this handsome man I met at the bar, ending the night to Jersey Girl, dancing to the hotel lobby music in the brisk night temperatures and notions of acting out elevator fantasies in the wee-wee hours of the morning. The only thing I left behind was the tranny scene from the hotel bar and my desire to sleep, which was only 50% my fault & all well worth it.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

You Can't Handle the Truth!

Nothing bothers me more than hearing falsehoods about myself and then setting them straight which makes it all better. It’s amazing how people just like to start crap for no apparent reason, even ones that you know, are friends with. I’m just thankful I have real friends who will confront me about certain things they hear because deep down they know what they heard was false, untrue, made up, misconstrued. The people who start these falsehoods and continue doing so obviously have nothing better to do because their life is so boring. I’m not sure what you’re trying to prove but I ain’t buying it and I know who you are. Maybe you need to go experience the world for a change and stop viewing it from the remote control.