Friday, December 23, 2011

The Winter Solstice, or the Winter Solicit, I’m not sure which….

Two situations last night, basically happening in the same spot just at different times during the evening.

Walking to the ladies room:
Gent: Excuse me, are you red?  They must call you red.
Me: Sometimes
(Caught me off guard so I tried to keep it simple with one word answers).
Just keep walking!

Sitting at the bar, older gent, much older gent, should actually be retired, dressed in a work suit and nice jacket (if I didn’t know better I would have thought Santa had regular 9-5 job).  Thankfully my posse didn’t go very far and stayed within the ‘save me’ eye distance.
OD (old dog): Hello, you have a beautiful smile
Me: Thank you
(I figured he was just being nice and he would move along with the rest of his pack)
…I’m going to skip to the good stuff
OD: I’m (insert name here)
Me: I’m (insert pseudo name of the night here I carry these around with me like credit cards for times like this)
OD: Where are you from?
Me: I live in (insert pseudo name of the town I chose to live in for the night).
OD: Oh that’s pretty close
OD: What would you say if I asked you to come home and take care of me?
Me: (again caught off guard at his sheer bluntness) You’re a sweet man and I’m flattered but no.
(At this point I’m pissed, he’s blocked me in on the chair so I can’t get up unless I’m rude and did he just solicit me?)

A drink was put in my hand by one of my friends and I tried to ignore him the best I could, if you don’t make eye contact eventually he will go away.
OD: Would you think about it?
Me: No thank you, I’m flattered.
It may have been the way I said that, that prompted him to say
OD: I guess I should walk away now
Me: Yes.

I’ll give the OD credit, he tried and failed even with the Claddagh ring on his finger, I should have suggested he meet my Grandma, she’s single.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

‘Cuz You’re Hot N’ We’re Cold

Everyone has their own standing temperature, what they are comfortable at in both hot and cold weather.  I prefer to be warm in the summer, not sweating, but warm enough where I do not need to wear a cardigan indoors (obviously one of the reasons why they call it summertime).  In the winter I prefer to be comfortable, meaning my nose, hands and feet are not cold, again indoors.   Here’s where it gets tricky.  In an office setting, in the summertime, men get warmer before the women do, so they jack the AC up.  Some women have the same body temperature as the men so they aren’t complaining.  The rest of us are chilly.  There’s also the theory that businesses keep the air conditioning on full blast (and/or do not turn the heat on to a comfortable setting) to 1) prohibit those who are fit to wear classy business attire that may consist of a sleeveless shirt and skirt to distract the workers around them (just because they work hard to stay in shape and be healthy aka have a right to ‘bear arms’) and 2) to keep us awake.  One good thing about #1 is I haven’t had to buy anything new for work in a few years and unfortunately #2 puts me to sleep (many of us do not sleep with the heat up to normal in the winter).  #1 also provides me with the opportunity to wear a skirt but have to sit at my desk with a blanket over my legs, and keep a heavy sweater or fleece handy at all times. (I have seen men walking around in their coats and sweaters, so at times its not just the women who are cold.)  I can also see the point in #1, this is where the double standard comes in.  When its too warm, number #1 also prohibits the others from wearing clothes from their teenage daughters closet, going against company dress code policy in general.
Yes I sit in a bad spot, I not only have the breeze from the hall that leads from the lobby area, I am surrounded by 3 vents, so the constant air on me is not healthy to begin with.  I can’t complain too much though, I can wear my winter clothes throughout the year (can you hear the sarcasm?)  And thanks to a sign posted by office management on the thermostat closest to my area, the temperature gastapo has stopped moving the dial below 70.

So there are a few good things that come about from this daily inconvenience.  Not only has the inconsistent temperature saved me money from buying new work clothes for the change of seasons, it also makes me spend more money to keep warm in the winter months because you never know if the heat is going to be on when you walk in on Monday.  There are only so many layers of clothes you can wear to work before it gets to be ridiculous, sitting at your desk in a turtleneck, sweater, plus your coat, scarf and fingerless gloves for half the day draws the line.  At times its more comfortable outside in the sun. 

Some say if you get up in the morning and dread going to work you’re not having fun or you don’t like your job, the only thing I dread is knowing what the temperature will be.  Because its not healthy or good for your posture if you are hunched over your keyboard shivering, trying to keep warm, or leaning in because the draft is too much.  I don’t think we’ll ever win this battle (since things haven’t changed since I’ve been here so I’m quite used to it), but at least we can avoid it by working from home/Starbucks/Panera where its comfortable.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

HP – and not Hewlett Packard

Don’t have much to say about the other night except that we crashed a ‘group’ party.  A group party meaning most of the attendees were extras from the “Big Bang Theory” or could have been their doubles.  But the line of the night goes to a young gent who had asked us what we were drinking and in response asked “What’s stoli?”

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Full Moon Coffee – a new taste of sleepyness

I’ve been up since 3:15 am, yes, AM.  After tossing and turning with no chance of falling back asleep I got out of bed at 4 am today and started my day (about 50 minutes earlier than usual).  One cup of coffee kick started this insomniacs day, and that’s my max for the day.  But today I had two cups, it just didn’t seem right not having coffee at 7 am with breakfast.  (I might be a little crazy to be wide awake at 4 am, but not that crazy to have breakfast too, I wasn’t even hungry.)  So I started my day by doing laundry, then continuing to wrap the Christmas presents, made the list of boxes and bags I needed to buy to finish and then logged on to work.  I watched emails come in from Europe at 5 am and thought that was way too early to respond.  It wasn’t, they’re used to me replying earlier, I guess they didn’t think any different today.

Now somehow I am still awake, 15 hours later, wide awake, not tired. I tried my hardest to tire myself out today, even by finishing the laundry by 8 am.  Ran 2 miles, did 25 minutes of P90X Shoulders and Arms, I cooked dinner, packed the ingredients for cookie weekend, watched True Grit (it was Ooh kay) and anything else that was collecting dust on my DVR.  As frustrated as I was (am still) I did some digging.  I usually cannot sleep when there is a full moon but that’s three days away and this is the 2nd time in 2 months I’ve been up for an extended period of time (and not on purpose).  Last time I blamed it on the pumpkin coffee I had at 5 pm on Thanksgiving, Target was lucky not to find me shopping in their store.  I tried so hard to tire myself out that day, I shopped till I dropped (2 bouts of Black Friday shopping) and a movie later, I was still awake. 

I haven’t had any coffee or caffeine since the two cups this morning, I ate normal today, nothing unusual, no chocolate snacks to keep me up and no sugar, at this rate I might as well just keep going, I’m sure I could find something else to do around here besides analyze why I am indeed still awake.  I could try the old fashioned remedies…drink warm milk, hot chamomile tea with honey, but instead I choose to write about it in the hopes that I’d find this as a subliminal way to count sheep.  Sad to say its not working, so around my usual bedtime tonight should I need some kickstart to finding my pillow comfortable again, I will rely on my sleeping pills to knock me out until my alarm goes off.  If that doesn’t work, then I’ll be back here feverishly typing another bedtime story.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving 2011 Inappropriate Terms and stuffing

Happy Thanksgiving 2011….and other terms said during dinner that could be inappropriate or just plain LOL
(this is not bedtime story reading material for children under 13)

·         There’s no spit bowl so I’m going to swallow anyway.
·         I don’t care how people do it, I’m going to eat it with my fingers
·         I know where to grab it though….
·         Leg-a-ful
·         Please pass the penis…I mean the Pinot
·         We are going to compare legs later
·         You’re not gonna eat it now, that’s ok, I’ve eaten worse
·         You have to go all the way up and then down, so it goes in.
·         Does it go backwards?
·         All you have to do is touch it
·         Slap it at the base and it will go down.
·         “Osbourne White”
·         This piece is bigger than I thought, I’ll take it nice and slow
·         That’s my problem, I gotta hold onto stuff
·         I like beef but I don’t want the whole cow.
·         Put it in your mouth
·         I got balls
·         Someone slipped me a piece of meat once
·         I had such a good time in the shower I smacked my own ass!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Keep Smilin' San Diego

The trip started out as a drive to Albany to fly with my sister (I promised her I’d stay sober on the flights till at least Baltimore (our first connection)). 

The flight to Baltimore was easy, except for the cranky mom in front of me in line before we boarded who was complaining to her husband they should have never taken the o’dark’30 flight (because this one didn’t get enough sleep and they had a miserable fight the night before)…lady, do you realize there are others in line behind you that can hear your entire conversation?  Anyway, kudos to the flight crew for being fun and friendly, then we had Starbucks for breakfast and I indulged in a chilled Kettle One at about 9 am before our flight out.  In the airport the fashion was disappointing, I only spotted 1 pair of crocs, 2 traveling dogs and a girl wearing extreme-ankle-killing open toed wedge sandals.

From Baltimore we headed to San Diego with a flight attendant who resembled the younger of the two from Mythbusters.  While boarding two gents asked “Do you have two together?” they must have wanted to sit together once they boarded (but could have phrased it less like ‘just jack’).  In flight snacks (yes, we were calorie counting) consisted of 1 small bag of Pretzels by King Nut Company (90 calories), Traditional Wheat thins (100 calories), a bag of “plane” cookies (90 calories), a bag of Peanuts by King Delicious Nuts (70 calories) (what’s the difference in King Nut and King Delicious Nuts? They could be the same company, just different tasting nuts? J), and 1 Subway ham and cheese, followed by 3 waters and 2 cape cods (splash of cranberry only).  The announcement for food once we reached 10,000 feet was followed by ‘here is your sustenance!’ – meaning if you didn’t buy anything in the airport to eat for the next 4 hours you were screwed.

Sightseeing made for a few fun local comments and people watching. We had been walking in one of the outdoor malls and were asked by store owners “hey ladies you wanna massage?” (picture Long Duck Dong from Pretty In Pink and then ask yourself the question to get the full affect).  “No thank you” obviously, and we kept walking.  While waiting for the bus, I noticed that Cinderella travels with her castle on top of her killer caravan and it lights up at night, just without the ‘when you wish upon a star’ theme song.  (And I thought decorating your car with lights at Christmas time was a bit much).  She had Mickey and Minnie as “hitch” hikers (no joke) they were fastened on her back bumper.  This was an eventful bus stop because I met a homeless man who not only had a bus pass also had the new iPhone. does that happen? 

Going out with my sister usually brings about numerous questions of “are you twins?”  but this trip stumped a lot of people.  “Sisters? Mother/Daughter? Friends?” asked one jogger who just was curious and wanted to know, I’m still curious who he thought the mother was.

The plane ride home was a trip in itself after we dropped our donation in the Vegas airport, the crew was hysterical and the pilot wasn’t too bad to look at either (when we saw him). When demonstrating how to put the air mask on in case of loss in cabin pressure “If you are traveling with kids, I’m sorry.  Just pick out the kid who has the most potential and help them first, then assist the next one.” 

When you get back and people start asking you about your vacation never start a sentence with ‘I met a homeless man’ because people will automatically assume it’s a romantic involvement and ask “Is it serious?”

Sidebar: To the parents who stole my idea for the bungee cord, at the Zoo they had their 5 kids all holding on to this long rope, each was assigned a colored disk to hold onto, guess its better than pushing multiple strollers.  And here I thought a belt with bungee cords would be the ultimate idea.

Friday, November 4, 2011

I have a story for you...Amadeus

Upon arriving at the establishment, I bellied up to the bar, ordered a cabernet and chicken quesadillas (healthy option at this place and a must order).  The patrons, though consumed with the events of 2 men stuck in a crane down the street insisted the ‘pork’ was better than the chicken.  I tried desperately not to read into that comment, especially looking at the size of these two.  The cabernet was good and it helped to block out “Mr. I have a story for you” the rest of the time I sat waiting for one of the Angels for the after party.   He would not shut up at all, as soon as the conversation ended with his friend, he had to fill the silence with something and it always started with “I have a story for you”.  I’m sure his friend endured the pain as a nice jesture, or vice versa since he looked a little like Amadeus. 

Thinking it was still safe to sit and enjoy my appetizer and glass of wine, I was soon interrupted by the “App” man.  “How many apps do you have?” was the comment….and yes, I lack on apps because I do not need to be connected 24/7 and I cherish my battery life.  I will say it was a nice distraction from “Mr. I have a story for you” nonsensical banter, (I guess this is the comment that replaces “Excuse me do you have the time/a cigarette?”)  while I waited for the other Angel to catch up on girl time and free martinis.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Candy Canes in Summer time – “I do”

I’m not sure what is with brides today and choosing the grooms attire for their wedding day (yes I said “THEIR”).   I’ve heard war stories from groomsmen that their friends, even their best friends make them wear the worst color combinations ever (even down to the socks).  Recently I came across someone’s wedding photos and I didn’t notice it at first until I saw the guys lined up by themselves (in those pre-wedding photos everyone takes prior to saying the “I dos”).  The men all decked out nicely in the standard black suit also had on a matching tie.  A tie that matched the brides bouquet.  Yes it was in stripes, so manly it was, but it was also fuscia pink with stripes or a highly noticeable candy cane hanging around their neck.  It’s quite amusing after you scroll thru their photos to see the faces of the groomsmen and how highly enthused they are, I’m sure they were happy to dispose of the attire after the wedding, returning their rentals in a timely manner to make sure they got their deposit back!  I felt sorry for the groom actually, he should have had some say in what he was wearing for the day (I feel worse knowing that his socks could have been pink as well).

Disclosure: I did not attend this wedding, I only saw photos and the bride and groom looked adorable (sans the pink tie).  The entire setting looked priceless and carefully thought out. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Reasons behind RSVP

You have a party, a bbq, an event, you put RSVP by a specific date and time in the invitation, you give those invitees a number to call, an email to respond to.  Usually its fairly simple either you are attending or you have other plans.  Yes or No, sometimes a maybe, or I might be late.  It pays respect to the hostess, she needs to know how many people are attending for food, appetizers, floor space for sleeping over and such.  If there are any plans afterwards, if we don’t know you are going we will leave without you.  Oh well, you had the chance to RSVP for more than a week, you received the invitation way in advance, we’re adults now, we shouldn’t have to keep hounding and asking ‘are you going?’.  Hey, we might even change the after party plans, how would you know?  Hmm, well if you RSVPd you’d know we were heading out earlier and where we’d end up at.  Even when I was collecting the RSVPs for my wedding and didn’t get RSVPs back from some folks, I was ready to write them off and not have ‘extra seats’ in case they decided to show, others preferred to call and hound them.  Oh well!  I am not one to hound, but I will let you know either way.  I really think with the technology that we have these days it is easy to ‘respond very promptly’ if you are attending with a firm YES or if you cannot make it with a NO, no need for laziness or forgetting, we have those email reminders, calendar popups.  And I don’t need an entire paragraph of why you can’t attend either, just a simple Yes or No will do, thank you!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Bad Hair Day for you might be a Good Hair Day for someone else

Today is a complete bad hair day! Not only is it humid in the office, and outside, but it’s the day after I had my hair straight and its just not cooperating. Straight hair ladies, don’t complain you want curly hair – trust me. I envy you, you can tie it back and not have crinkles in your hair, you can wear it all different ways. Curly hair gives you that “just out of bed”, “just had wild sex” look and makes the guys turn their heads and want to run their fingers through your hair, but the months from May to August with lots of humidity suck. I agree you can wake up in the morning, shower and just add mousse and go, but after it dries, fuhgetaboutit! Tie it back – tame the wild curls. You have no idea why I like it straight – other than certain people in my life preferring it over the curls, and my desire to occasionally go incognito. Straight hair is easier to manage, I don’t expect the men to understand at all. They have it easy and only need one side of the three compartment bathroom vanity, for their products (hair, shaving, honey spray >female speak for “cologne”<). Only bad thing about straightening my hair – when it rains it curls and I’ve wasted an hour of hard effort trying to be just like you.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Passwords Make Me Angry

We all get this, the ‘your password will expire in 30 days, would you like to change it now?’ message and for the next few minutes you contemplate changing it at that very moment. But you get sidetracked and move on to something else. The next morning you receive the same message and again you opt not to change it. Why? Because you have to remember another set of numbers and letters unless you keep a handy password organizer sheet handy. Today I needed to reset a password, actually change it for the greater good because it was an old letter/numeric combo that I’ve had for a long time. It actually put a sour taste in my mouth from bad memories, I had to change it to keep my sanity. I changed it to something more personal that has something to do with ME! Not anyone else or my old home address, phone number, license plate, ex’s birthday. I learned that everytime I typed this password into that little box it angered me even more. It was my goal to change it to something other than a sentimental thing that would anger me to type it in and cause distress every time. I never thought a password would cause such emotional distress…who can I sue for that?

Friday, April 8, 2011

What is Girls Night Out? (GNO for short)

“What goes on during a GNO? What do you girls do?” I’ve heard many questions about GNO from guys that I know, they are sooo curious about what goes on when they aren’t around, or just plain curious. I’m going to let you in on a few secrets….and I hope my gal pals will not shun me for this.

First off, GNO is for everyone (married, single, divorced, widowed, etc). It happens two or three times a year, maybe more at most. Our agenda is not to pick up guys, flirt with other men, potentially start fights and find the nearest male revue. Our agenda is to reconnect with our gal pals, to chat like Samantha, Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte did on their days at that restaurant. Yes, we’ll talk men, guys, sex, work, kids, gossip and we’ll probably talk about the girls who aren’t there as well. (I’m not gonna lie). Over a martini or two, a light beer or a glass of vino, we’ll laugh, talk, and blush over things we did, said and probably will say after the next round. Whether we’re at a bar for a few hours, a club to shake our money makers, or at someone’s house we’re still the girls and we’re still having fun. Yes, we might add a male revue like TFDU in there, but we’re also still sitting at that same table and laughing over drinks with our gals. Had it not been for our gal pals we probably would not have survived some of the things that have happened in our life and for that, its time to say “Thanks”. We remember that most of our good crazy times in the past happened with our gals, not with our guys (past/present). And no one is going to criticize you for hanging with your girlfriends for one night, if they do, then they should be stoned in a courtyard medieval style. Shame on them for forgetting who they really are! Some of us may have our dating life, married life and family but deep down inside you need time for yourself and a few hours away from that to reconnect with who you are. I think it’s sad that a group of guys can go to the American Legion on a weekly basis, smoke stogies and drink beer for a few hours and us ladies are frowned upon for spending a few hours away from home. Well, whatever guys, girls just want to have fun and I’m sure you can survive on take out for one night.

So GNO is not about an agenda (for those of you who think we’re just on the hunt)….its a celebration of our gals, and knowing that no matter what happens our gal pals are always there for us.