Monday, December 6, 2010

Why Women Should Not Change Their Name when they get Married

Disclosure: Its just my opinion, I have nothing against women changing their names when they get married, I was one myself.

1. Depending on what state you live in you have to change your Social Security card first before you change your license, and don’t forget you need all that supporting documentation proving who you are! (Don’t forget that marriage license, I hope you got multiple copies!)

2. Then once your license is changed, then you can change your insurance and any other related documents, including all those credit cards you have!

3. Have a drink and continue on reading!

4. At work, your username could change if you want it to. I’d advise not changing it because a lot of programs use your username as a key and you could lose reports and information saved under your current name.

5. Don’t forget the websites you already belong to if you’ve used your maiden name as part of a username!

6. Relatives may not know who to make the annual holiday gift check out to and they continue to send you checks with your maiden name, so your bank may not know who you are!

7. Have a drink and then continue on.

8. Should things not workout - it’s a PITA to change your married name back to your maiden name. (Repeat steps in this order 3, 1, 3, 2, 3)

9. And you have to bring along your supporting documentation – including divorce documents proving your name change.

10. Relatives may forget that you changed your name – and then changed it back again. Be forgiving the first time they slip up and send you a Christmas card with your married name on it. Your friends should know better!

11. New people at work (if you still work for the same firm like I do) will have difficulty finding you in the company directory – since they knew you with your married name, not your maiden.

12. New(er) people at work will congratulate you when they see in the company directory that your name has changed, just accept it nicely like you should and move on. Who knows, you may get gifts out of the deal!

13. Stalkers and those holding out their affections will now come forward expressing their undying love now that you’re back on the market….don’t you wish you never changed your name! ;)

Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving….and other terms during dinner that could be inappropriate or just plain LOL:

Happy Thanksgiving….and other terms during dinner that could be inappropriate or just plain LOL:

- I couldn’t find the plummer, I just shed a tear.
- Someone likes the ass.
- If I clean it, he’ll eat it.
- The neck is next to the ass.
- I don’t know where my ass went.
- I have a large breast here.
- Remember I’m the one who had the leg.
- I went to the urinal face first.
- I rode an elephant in the park.
- Did I ever ride a horse, Mom?
- I’m going to see the plumber this time, and I’m gonna talk to him.
- I still don’t know why you get grey hair on your head first, before you get it on your eyebrows and your pubic hair! (yes I’m quoting that word for word.)
- A clean ass is a happy ass.
- You got me hot! I’m sweating over here.
- I think there’s something in the wine.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Dear Drivers....yes that means you!

Dear Drivers (yes, I’m including all states)
I am a driver, like most people nowadays. I travel the highways, the local roads, I’ve dealt with idiots, morons and the typical Sunday Drivers and decided that now is a great time to say something about them….because I can. In every state that I drive in, I’ll call you out and tell it like it is…because I can. So Dear Drivers….here’s the first installment. I hope you enjoy it (and I hope I can just keep up with the traffic).

In my travels I take Route 78 West home….what I don’t understand is why everyone needs to brake by exit 11. The State Police barracks are across the highway, is a car going to jump the median to catch someone following traffic? They certainly don’t brake going east on my way to work, what’s the difference at 5 pm? Hmm..I have no idea, it only happens on the way home from work, not on the weekends or when I’m traveling off hours. Note to all NJ Drivers at rush hour…Exit 11 on Route 78 West – beware of brake lights for no apparent reason!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Call - Text - or Email - or None of the Above

I’m not really sure I can even post I may offend too many people, but whatever.  You know who you are, if its you oh well.  I really thought that it was the water, the area, the alcohol, then again, maybe it wasn’t, maybe it was just the person.  But not everyone is like this, and it’s a total turn off.  I get a text message and because I don’t immediately respond within the first 10 minutes the phone rings, but they don’t leave a message, so an hour later they send another text message.  And I don’t respond because I am not near my phone, its not attached to my hip, I’m at work, I’m busy, I’m in the shower, whatever.  Then the phone rings again, same person and this time they leave a message.  Doesn’t this show signs of possessiveness!?  I don’t need that in my life..I have no one to answer to but myself.  Let’s rewind to the bad blind date guy from a few years ago that sent me hate mail because I didn’t return his call within an appropriate amount of time.  Yup, these two are drinking the same koolaid.  Hence they can have a threesome with this one, who sends an email and doesn’t give me a chance to respond and just writes me off in another email, and then once I do respond angrily, he then sends me a text message, where 20 minutes later he calls because I didn’t respond to his text and then gets my voicemail because yet again, I’m busy, I’m at work, I’m not near my phone.  HAHA

Friday, September 17, 2010

Hi, how are really want to know?

"Hi, How are you?" "How was your weekend?" the everyday or every start to the workweek banter that occurs between co-workers and passersby. The thoughtless way to communicate with someone as a way to be nice to them if you pass them in the hallway, lunchroom, bathroom. I had a few people ask me how my weekend was, and depending on how you answer and then depending on who it is will start the interrogation. For example: "Me: Oh it was good." "Them: Did you do anything exciting?" Do you care, honestly? Would you knowing about what I did over the weekend really make your life any better? And why, what use would you have with that information? I'm going to take us back to my dating-pre-engagement years when everytime I came back to work after a holiday weekend I got hit with "So, how was your holiday?" and then the ladies would check my left hand to see if I was wearing anything sparkling and shiny. They don't check for that now, they won't even ask me what happened. Sorry, just an inside joke for those of you not knowing everything in my life because I've avoided the 'how are you?' question and answer session in the workplace.
Why, why do you need to know? Why do you feel the need to ask anyway? Especially if we don't work together, you don't know my personal life! Think about the many times you've been asked "hey, what's going on?" and what was your answer "uh not much". How are you supposed to respond? The last time I had to think about what to say in response to someone, they had no idea what to say back. I think I came out with "I only got 4 hours of sleep, how do you think I feel?" They ran away not knowing what to say, haven't asked me about 'how my day was' since. These people are fake anyway, I know they are just being polite but just say 'Hi', don't ask for details, don't interrogate, and don't persistently ask me everyday. You then become part of the "I must avoid at all costs' lists, when I start dodging you in the office.
Unless I know you and we're friends and we do talk about things like this, AND I know that you had some big weekend trip coming up, then I'd ask you how it went, and the same goes with a vacation. I sure am not going to tell just the typical co-worker (that I never see, but knew I was on vacation) who asks me how my vacation was that I had such a great time drinking my face off, dancing the night away and almost breaking the headboard. Yeah, stuff like that should be shared between friends not the office chatty Cathy because we all know later on that day in the lunchroom she's repeating that conversation to her flock of hens after they've asked her 'how was your weekend?' and got an earful.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

You Have My Figs

I'm trying to figure out where to begin after venturing on long country roads to finally have a beer at the bar that sponsors the softball team. Through countless times of hearing me say 'where the f-am I?' and yelling at Samantha on the GPS from giving me a wrong starting point and a wrong turn, at least the front parking space paid off without a cover charge. Its not everyday that you see Slash from GNR walking around in a purple tank top, black 1984 skinny jeans and women's flip flops..its also not everyday that I get a chance encounter with the man, if only to try to snag his purple leopard print scarf he had around his neck. This night was one of many firsts...first time riding the bull, watching a wet t-shirt contest and having a snake bit shot that tasted like Theraflu. But it all still left me wondering why a plastic pool belongs where a band would play at a bar anyway. Unfortunately I didn't leave with a souvenir, just a few rug burns from the bull and a text message about 'figs' - (but I really think it was meant to say 'cigs').

Friday, July 16, 2010

Words of Advice for the Bride & Groom to be…

Don’t let her eat the cake – it’s a tale that they say if the bride eats the wedding cake that day that all the ‘action’ will deteriorate over time.

Don’t save the cake after a year – they want you to save the top layer, freeze it and take it out for your anniversary and have a piece – saving it just takes up space in your fridge. Its not worth it and its got freezer burn! I actually tried it and it was ok if you cut into the middle of the cake.

& I’m not bitter at all, I’d do it all over again, but I also might just live with someone forever instead. I haven’t completely ruled out either of the two yet.

Anyway, eat, drink and be merry – the honeymoon should never end!

Friday, June 18, 2010


That’s exactly what the place is named for “Rookies”. You enter what looks like a sports bar, but the clientell is a bit off. Instead of dropping carloads of teenagers off at the movies on a Tuesday night, you’ll find them packed into a booth shoving the all you can eat wings for $10 into their mouths. All you can eat wings…does NOT include the boneless ones, by the way and that was not mentioned anywhere on the wing menu. Needless to say I was mighty disappointed, instead I ordered their chicken fajita. It was good, again, never enough flour tortillas to pack the food into just like all the other joints that serve fajitas, but I give them kudos for the child size portion of rice that came with it. However, as great as the company was, I just wanted to eat and leave after being surrounded by teenagers squeezing themselves into booths wearing next to nothing shorts on a body that needed a 3K run. Rookies is more a place that you’d find me at after a softball game, when its 90 degrees out, and we stink with sweat and all I want is a cold beer.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

1 tini, 2 tini, 3 tini, More!

Can’t say I remember much after the 4th appletini besides my impromptu shopping expedition, but I know damn well next time my max is 2 and eating a bit more throughout the night than a hot pretzel, personal pizza, French fries and talking it up with a married Mormon. At least there wasn’t a line for any of the ladies rooms that I visited that night, for once! And the train ride home was exciting, it actually kept me awake knowing that the next cast of Jersey Shore “Juniors” was aboard with spandex leggings, a token ‘just jack’, trash mouths but they were missing a token ‘hottie’.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

2010 Rewind

I took back a piece of time from Baby New Year and celebrated 2010 days later without the dramatic events that I did avoid on the actual New Years Eve eve. I did it my way actually, a martini (or two) in hand, great company and an evening filled with unexpected events and a perfect snowfall. I’m not sorry for stealing a piece of time, but I created one hell of a memory…and got a free Starbucks.