Saturday, January 26, 2008

Better than a Comic Strip

My hero showed up in a leather jacket on a cold night saving me from the crazy neighbor who wanted me to make him a martini (he brought his own vodka & martini glasses). When he insisted I make myself one, I did…and it was non-alcoholic. You just don’t leave your girlfriend passed out on the couch and knock on my door for a drink…you just don’t. Minutes passed which seemed like an eternity and a knock on my door saved the night and he was duly rewarded with a “specialty” chocolate martini.

Friday, January 25, 2008

A Personal Ad for a Friend

If I were to write a personal ad for a 'friend' this is what it would say (names are being confidential for obvious reasons):

Screening candidates for rainbow bright fans. He must pay for date and not be afraid to spend vacation time at her folks house, horseback riding out of the question and ferris wheels but loves to handglide. Yankee fan, belongs on a bowling team, enjoys relaxing on the beach, traveling to Mexico, a variety of cuisine and the Venetian table. Frequents the hairstylist for monthly changes due to latest celebrity trends. Her date must be a bodybuilder, have a fat wallet, a sports car, be a perfect gentleman and enjoy a healthy laugh and play trivial pursuit. Smoking is a no-no even if you are a great person. Must gaze hopelessly into her deep brown eyes and find beauty beyond physical appearance. Friends hope to find someone to motivate her to go beyond her limits and enjoy a lifetime of love and happiness.

Obviously the ‘must pay for date’ is a total push for someone who doesn’t mind paying all the time, which might end up as a deal breaker unless they spend plenty of date nights at the buffet.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Full saw me standing alone...

Full Moon last night so I should expect nothing less than a night of absolutely no sleep. WRONG! I was tired, exhausted as a matter of fact, no pills necessary to knock me out. My new cozy flannel sheets did their job in keeping me warm on another chilly night. Yet I woke up this morning in a state of shock…I had a dream, something lasting more than just a snippet of time, in color and with sound. This doesn’t happen often but now I know I had at least 7 hours of sleep and that I slept through the night. Funny thing it was about um…I’m not telling you who, what, where, when and why, all I know is that I didn’t wake up terrified, scared and wondering why did that happen but if anything does happen than I’m back to predicting the future.

Revamping another Office Memo

So it is winter, what can we do in the office to not be exposed to catching a cold?

  1. Recognize that prolonged exposure to cold is hazardous (know the types and symptoms of exposure, refer to attachment) NOTE: When your body is trying to keep you warm, you burn extra energy so don’t be surprised if your hands get cold soon after you’ve downed your java for the day and that your stomach starts growling 2 hours before lunch time. You are working overtime to keep yourself warm, keep a stash of healthy goodies such as oatmeal bars at your desk.
  2. Be aware of the forecast/actual weather conditions in work area (check local thermostat – if none is available buy your own for your viewing pleasure and to form ‘weather’ alliances)
  3. Plan your work to control exposure to cold hazard – Unfortunately you can’t predict the weather in the office, but I suggest keeping an afghan, another pair of gloves and a heavier sweater at your desk…just in case they forget to turn on the heat.
  4. Wash your hands.

Below are tips on how to protect employees – rather how you can protect yourself from the harsh cold and drafts in the office:

  • Recognize the environmental and workplace conditions that may be dangerous and totally out of your control
  • Learn the signs and symptoms of cold-induced illnesses and injuries and what to do to help employees. For example, hand sanitizers should be in every bathroom and in the kitchen. People touch everything.
  • Train employees about cold-induced illnesses and injuries – seek a physician and don’t cough on other people’s stuff.
  • Encourage employees to wear proper clothing for cold, wet and windy conditions, including layers that can be adjusted to changing conditions. – Not saying it will get wet and windy in the office, but on occasion you do get an overhead breeze that you can’t pinpoint its origin.
  • Be sure that employees in extremely cold conditions take frequent, short breaks in warm dry shelters to allow their bodies to warm up. – Does this mean congregating for a group hug? Cuz that is just not happening! If your office ain’t warm, there ain’t no place else here that would be.
  • Try to schedule work for the warmest part of the day. Whenever that is..please let me know.
  • Avoid exhaustion or fatigue because energy is needed to keep muscles warm. No kidding, but its not our fault they don’t maintain a decent temperature in there.
  • Use the buddy system: Work in pairs so that one employee can recognize danger signs. “Hey you, are you cold?” “Yeah” “OK, so its not just me”
  • Drink warm, sweet beverages (sugar water, sports-type drinks) and avoid drinks with caffeine (coffee, tea, sodas or hot chocolate) or alcohol. You won’t find me hitting the bottle here especially if its not in a vending machine. Now hot choco – is it available or is that another item we have to buy ourselves and hope no one steals it off our desk?
  • Eat warm, high-calorie foods such as hot pasta dishes. One serving, because as we all know pasta is carbs and there are plenty of people who will biggy size it.
  • Remember that employees increase their risks when they take certain medications, are in poor physical condition or suffer from illnesses such as diabetes, hypertension or cardiovascular disease. See item above…no comment.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Just because I can...

Many nights I am just like “Carrie Bradshaw”. I have a thought about something, anything, men, women, friends, work, love, heartache, and I sit and pound it out on the keys of my laptop. Toss in some music fitting whatever mood I’m in at the time and my job is done. I adore getting dressed to go out, selecting the perfect outfit to wear, and always changing shoes last minute, always anticipating the perfect moment when I get to wear a skirt and boots. To spend an hour or so straightening my hair because I like to and I know it’s a favorite amongst others, and some prefer curls and I do to when they cooperate. My makeup is interchangeable, I switch it up often and it never looks the same. Accessories are few because I have yet to collect my box of tricks, gold, silver, cosmetic, but I always stick to my favorites. I’m sitting here just like her, minus the cigarette of course, with a thought in mind, or many for that matter, communicating to you on the airwaves even if you don’t hear me. I have a diary, many in fact, but I tossed anything prior to August 1993, and don’t ask my why because I don’t remember why. Occasionally I go back in time, relive what happened years ago, ask the age old question “what was I thinking?”, and ever so often a smile comes across my face because at that one moment in time I was happy and I remember it all.

And I wonder if memories stir up feelings like mixed drinks, why do we bother making them? Of pink and red roses, about moments I’ll never see again, burned in my brain as a memory the sand will wash away one day on the beach, of all the times spent before and now and my endless nightly consumptions of cabernet and chardonnay and the perfect chocolate martini. The wedding dress, the pictures, the momentos over the years, the songs I continue to hear which always remind me of something, there’s always something. One day in this huge world we live in, Mr. Big will be strolling in a park with Ms. Bradshaw holding hands while she slings her expensive shawl over her shoulder, eyeing up the starry sky, filled with scents of musk, amber and a limo to take them home. Who am I kidding….its just another memory, but I cherish them all just as if they happened yesterday.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Text Me Now...Call Me Later

I’m so glad I upped my text messaging plan to more mobile to mobile because that seems to be how we talk to each other these days. What happened to calling someone on the phone? I guess that went out the door with unanswered voice mails and laziness to call someone back. I’m new to this texting gig, not that I’ve never done it before but I do prefer the one on one, pick up a phone get a voice on the other end deal. I find that texting, although after speaking to my sister clarified that it is a way of letting someone know you are thinking of them, and asking simple “yes”, “no”, “maybe so” questions without necessarily interrupting their day, in my opinion is empty like a white wall. A full conversation thru text messaging is pointless, especially if you are home and you know the other person is too, and you are going back and forth for a half an hour! What am I missing here? Many a times have I been misunderstood in my texts because in my mind I meant one thing and the receiver took it another. So then I have to revert to the old fashioned way of calling, and apologizing for being an idiot because I should have been more clear in my text and not try to be funny or cute. Texting is not email – you are limited to the amount of characters you can send in one message. You can’t type out a whole paragraph and load it with smiles and catch phrases and code words. I have my issues with texting and I would rather get a live person on the other end even if I just leave a message because I haven’t heard their voice in a while. Call me old fashioned or just call me later, but text me now because I’m busy typing this out.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Goin' Down to South Park

If my cousin and his friends had shown up as planned my girlfriend and I probably would have been saved from the creeps we encountered and had a decent night out close to my old college town. Oh, we did and had a blast people watching and talking to strangers and shaking it on the small dancefloor. First we met Al, at least 70+, very nice, said hello to us, stopped and had a chat…come to find out he’s from Madison. Then we get ogled by these two guys at the bar, who will turn around and stare at us sitting at our table, but not say anything. I probably wouldn’t have had a conversation with them anyway they were a bit on the international creepy side and I’m being nice. She’s still confused about this one dude that walked by with some woman who looked like she could be his mom wearing an 80’s white blazer but he said hello to my friend and then continued to stare at her throughout part of the night from across the bar. Sounds like a typical night out…look, we didn’t go out to meet people so to say, we didn’t go out to hook up, we just wanted to go out, somewhere different, kick off our Sunday shoes and go home. After the ‘mom’ episode 2 Chris Rocks sit in the unoccupied chairs at our table, playing it off that they are watching the game on tv…needless to say it was a decent conversation, but they can’t dance, and once they started throwing punches on the other side of the bar, we were out of there. Don’t tell me you wanted to come over to get my number and your friend didn’t when that’s the same line he said to her. Not that I would have given out the digits anyway, I just ‘wasn’t feelin’ it”, was having too much fun watching Super Mario continually spill his full beer each time he set it on the table, it was inches away from being bumped and oopps when someone walked by down it went. Sweater boy at the bar found a sweater girl too, I wonder if they both shop at the same stores? But in all honesty, if we’re on the dancefloor, leave us alone, don’t cut in, don’t try to sandwich and keep your hands off…we’re just out to have a good time not to get a little closer.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

How to Mend a Broken Heart in 5 Easy Steps

Not that my little heart is broken right now, and even if it was I wouldn’t tell you but this is just a little something I thought about today after watching a sappy romance.

First and foremost you cry, you cry it out in your bed, on the couch watching a really sad chick flick with a bowl of popcorn or whatever your comfort food is. Get out all your munchies because you’ll need your energy moving forward – trust me. You better stop crying before Friday because that’s when you start healing..or at least try to heal.

Second, you call your friends, brother, can do this while crying your eyes out but you should do it afterwards and when you are thinking rationally again. Wait till you have a clear head and some sleep, its amazing how different the mind works when you’ve had 7+ hours of sleep and can think clearly.

Third, hide any trace of him that he might of left behind at your place, hide the pictures, don’t burn them, put his stuff in a box in a closet. Don’t go thru that “I will learn to hate him” phase because that not only hurts you but everyone else and its not healthy because you could become a cold, heartless beaaatch. Trust me, I used to play the Alanis cd numerous times so I could exorcise any feelings I had about them and learn to hate them but now its different and it doesn’t involve drinking myself silly either.

Fourth might be the toughest stage of them all…closure. Don’t expect your answers answered, you may never get one, you may never know why he called it quits. And you have to learn to accept that and try to move on. How you do that is simple…you write, you write songs, stories, this blog for example, poetry…you get it out on paper because if you keep it inside it will bottle up and eventually explode on the wrong person. You distract yourself in any possible way, exercise, pick up a hobby, do something that makes you feel good and your friends will be there to help you. In all honesty I remember them all and it is something that will stay with you forever.

Finally number Five, which might fit in between 2nd and 3rd or 3rd and 4th, but that’s for you to decide. GO SHOPPING! Buy yourself 1 killer outfit, the one you will wear when you go out with your friends, the one when if and when he sees you he will want you back bad. But if you are comfortable in your skin and you look sexy when you go out anyway this should not matter, but definitely buy yourself something, even a piece of jewelry but spend wisely. No man is worth blowing a grand on – unless you really need that 50 inch flat screen tv.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Wonderful Day in the 'cube' Neighborhood

Thanks to my friend who gave me the title – without it would be meaningless.

We all have to get along in this cubicle world so please take your personal life outside on your cell phone that constantly rings at your desk or talk in code, we hear everything. Get instant messenger, don’t have your wife call your desk phone and if you don’t pick up call your cell phone, because you left it at your desk and we hear your hideous ring tone that sounds like a circus. Don’t call your doctor either, I don’t care what kind of medication you are on that you need refills for and now that I know, all my questions about you have been answered. And then there’s your family, which son got pulled over, who’s not doing their homework, the sentimental nicknames you should be calling your wife when she finally gets you on the phone and that unsightly bubble jacket you just got from her as a gift that your co-worker just dastardly adores! I think I might actually be able to tell you who’s been sick with what illness and rattle off your home address based on how many times you’ve given that information to someone over the phone. When you walk by please do not walk on your heels, my entire cube shakes as if there was an earthquake and the tremors are enough to make me regurgitate the food I just ate for breakfast. If and when you are diligently working at your desk, the volume on your headphones should be loud enough for you to hear, not for me to jot down a playlist of Mariah Carey’s Christmas album. Last but not least, please do not say “good morning” just to be kind, I don’t talk to you all the time, you don’t have to be courteous, but I appreciate the sentiment. Just remember if you do say “good morning” to me, make sure you remember to hold the door in the morning when my hands are full so I don’t have to fumble with my keys and spill my coffee.

**Disclosure: just because I write angry things, doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the type of mood I’m currently in.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

If It Makes You Happy..(and any other suitable title that fits)

Last night, I was going thru my huge Franklin Covey planner writing down everyone’s birthday and anniversary for this year into my new, more practical one and I came across a post-it I had written a year ago, besides noticing February being a very active month for birthdays. On it was yet another one of my perilous lists, of the type of person I know I am, or at the time, I know who I had been. At the top it said “Who Am I” and so I wrote two descriptive columns. Looking back I still am the vibrant, persistent, determined, spontaneous person, who is still always there for her friends no matter what, no questions asked (except maybe “Why do you need bail money?”), and a few other dozen terms. Overall life is too short to be anything but happy, and that’s my mantra for this year, and if happiness means keeping a smile on my face, than its all good, even if that means using that 32/27 ounce in my den for defensive purposes.

New Neighbors Cause Ruckus

*since Dec. 11th and they are only here for 2 months!
- High emphasis on ‘sk’ and ‘sh’ in vocabulary, i.e. des-ssk
- Pull the deskkk out of your office and bring it down here and put it in your new office
- Some got overruled to move themselves rather than hire help to move contents of entire office they were too lazy to clean out
- People act as if they never moved before..”well, I could do this or that’, and “I need to move this, and put this here”. They act like they are picking out furniture and wall colors!
- Many uses of ‘Oh I am going to be your neighbor now” – no kidding….I see that, your mailbox is up
- “Oh Natalee I never sat soo close to you before’ – I tried to negotiate moving that new cube mate with another one, but apparently kielbasa and sauerkraut man was ecstatic about the move and refused to give up his spot.
- Numerous amounts of holy water and garlic are being distributed to ward off vampires.
- Hub labeling the boxes in the now empty closet – ‘his’ and ‘hers’ obviously the terms ‘downsizing’ and ‘archiving’ weren’t understood.
- “You mean I have to program my voicemail…I didn’t know that.”
- Hubby & wifey have a doggie door to get back and forth
- “hi you've reached ___ and ____, we cant come to the phone right now...”
- Now for the big finale – When someone looks for ‘wife’ and she is not sitting there and ‘hub’ is he doesn’t leave her a message on a post-it. He calls her phone and leaves her a VM, then when she returns he shimmys thru doggy door saying ‘I just left you a message’ and reiterates exactly what he left on the VM 2 minutes ago!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Hungover, Harassed and Embarrassed...but not in that order

Damn crystal ball! On a good note “Team Pink” is the champs! I had written on my list to have a great 2008, and so far, I kicked it off very similar to 1993. Overall I had fun sliding down a flight of stairs headfirst, and a few good moments were had, but my job in ringing in '08 is not entirely done yet. I wish that damn crystal ball would have warned me not to answer my door before I ventured out on the Eve, then I wouldn’t have left in such a tizzy after being verbally harassed by my neighbor. I swear, he just won’t take the hint, even rang my door bell yesterday and No, I didn’t answer. I’m just glad I have another Louisville Slugger that I can put by my front door to keep out the threatening man upstairs who is classified a “Level 3” on the Creep-o-Meter.