Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving 2011 Inappropriate Terms and stuffing

Happy Thanksgiving 2011….and other terms said during dinner that could be inappropriate or just plain LOL
(this is not bedtime story reading material for children under 13)

·         There’s no spit bowl so I’m going to swallow anyway.
·         I don’t care how people do it, I’m going to eat it with my fingers
·         I know where to grab it though….
·         Leg-a-ful
·         Please pass the penis…I mean the Pinot
·         We are going to compare legs later
·         You’re not gonna eat it now, that’s ok, I’ve eaten worse
·         You have to go all the way up and then down, so it goes in.
·         Does it go backwards?
·         All you have to do is touch it
·         Slap it at the base and it will go down.
·         “Osbourne White”
·         This piece is bigger than I thought, I’ll take it nice and slow
·         That’s my problem, I gotta hold onto stuff
·         I like beef but I don’t want the whole cow.
·         Put it in your mouth
·         I got balls
·         Someone slipped me a piece of meat once
·         I had such a good time in the shower I smacked my own ass!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Keep Smilin' San Diego

The trip started out as a drive to Albany to fly with my sister (I promised her I’d stay sober on the flights till at least Baltimore (our first connection)). 

The flight to Baltimore was easy, except for the cranky mom in front of me in line before we boarded who was complaining to her husband they should have never taken the o’dark’30 flight (because this one didn’t get enough sleep and they had a miserable fight the night before)…lady, do you realize there are others in line behind you that can hear your entire conversation?  Anyway, kudos to the flight crew for being fun and friendly, then we had Starbucks for breakfast and I indulged in a chilled Kettle One at about 9 am before our flight out.  In the airport the fashion was disappointing, I only spotted 1 pair of crocs, 2 traveling dogs and a girl wearing extreme-ankle-killing open toed wedge sandals.

From Baltimore we headed to San Diego with a flight attendant who resembled the younger of the two from Mythbusters.  While boarding two gents asked “Do you have two together?” they must have wanted to sit together once they boarded (but could have phrased it less like ‘just jack’).  In flight snacks (yes, we were calorie counting) consisted of 1 small bag of Pretzels by King Nut Company (90 calories), Traditional Wheat thins (100 calories), a bag of “plane” cookies (90 calories), a bag of Peanuts by King Delicious Nuts (70 calories) (what’s the difference in King Nut and King Delicious Nuts? They could be the same company, just different tasting nuts? J), and 1 Subway ham and cheese, followed by 3 waters and 2 cape cods (splash of cranberry only).  The announcement for food once we reached 10,000 feet was followed by ‘here is your sustenance!’ – meaning if you didn’t buy anything in the airport to eat for the next 4 hours you were screwed.

Sightseeing made for a few fun local comments and people watching. We had been walking in one of the outdoor malls and were asked by store owners “hey ladies you wanna massage?” (picture Long Duck Dong from Pretty In Pink and then ask yourself the question to get the full affect).  “No thank you” obviously, and we kept walking.  While waiting for the bus, I noticed that Cinderella travels with her castle on top of her killer caravan and it lights up at night, just without the ‘when you wish upon a star’ theme song.  (And I thought decorating your car with lights at Christmas time was a bit much).  She had Mickey and Minnie as “hitch” hikers (no joke) they were fastened on her back bumper.  This was an eventful bus stop because I met a homeless man who not only had a bus pass also had the new iPhone. does that happen? 

Going out with my sister usually brings about numerous questions of “are you twins?”  but this trip stumped a lot of people.  “Sisters? Mother/Daughter? Friends?” asked one jogger who just was curious and wanted to know, I’m still curious who he thought the mother was.

The plane ride home was a trip in itself after we dropped our donation in the Vegas airport, the crew was hysterical and the pilot wasn’t too bad to look at either (when we saw him). When demonstrating how to put the air mask on in case of loss in cabin pressure “If you are traveling with kids, I’m sorry.  Just pick out the kid who has the most potential and help them first, then assist the next one.” 

When you get back and people start asking you about your vacation never start a sentence with ‘I met a homeless man’ because people will automatically assume it’s a romantic involvement and ask “Is it serious?”

Sidebar: To the parents who stole my idea for the bungee cord, at the Zoo they had their 5 kids all holding on to this long rope, each was assigned a colored disk to hold onto, guess its better than pushing multiple strollers.  And here I thought a belt with bungee cords would be the ultimate idea.

Friday, November 4, 2011

I have a story for you...Amadeus

Upon arriving at the establishment, I bellied up to the bar, ordered a cabernet and chicken quesadillas (healthy option at this place and a must order).  The patrons, though consumed with the events of 2 men stuck in a crane down the street insisted the ‘pork’ was better than the chicken.  I tried desperately not to read into that comment, especially looking at the size of these two.  The cabernet was good and it helped to block out “Mr. I have a story for you” the rest of the time I sat waiting for one of the Angels for the after party.   He would not shut up at all, as soon as the conversation ended with his friend, he had to fill the silence with something and it always started with “I have a story for you”.  I’m sure his friend endured the pain as a nice jesture, or vice versa since he looked a little like Amadeus. 

Thinking it was still safe to sit and enjoy my appetizer and glass of wine, I was soon interrupted by the “App” man.  “How many apps do you have?” was the comment….and yes, I lack on apps because I do not need to be connected 24/7 and I cherish my battery life.  I will say it was a nice distraction from “Mr. I have a story for you” nonsensical banter, (I guess this is the comment that replaces “Excuse me do you have the time/a cigarette?”)  while I waited for the other Angel to catch up on girl time and free martinis.