Friday, December 28, 2007

Bah-bye 2007

As this year comes to an end I have so many people to thank for being there for me, I know I’ve been a pain in the ass…but you make it all worth while and encourage me to get up every morning and YOU look forward to me pounding out these anecdotes. “It’s me again with a little attitude” as this year proved that I can get out of that damn turtle shell I was sheltered in for so long (too long actually), only to fit into a world I didn’t belong in. So there, I’m back and I won’t go kicking and screaming either..HA!

2008 looks to be a much better year, may be the best year ever. I don’t have a crystal ball and am not promising anything, I have to see what cards I’m dealt with first before I can place my bets and hope that the horse with the pink legwarmers on comes in first place. Until then I can only sit back, relax and hope I end up in a cozy corner ‘lounging’ on the 1st and not hungover from too much pong.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Ghost of Christmas Past

I learned that since my parents divorced Christmas felt like school or work. Having to be up at a certain time to be somewhere, feeling obligated, scheduled and stressed and I’m talking about approximately the last 15 years. I’m not blaming this on them because there are a ton of other factors in the mix as well, if anything its my fault for setting up this predetermined set of rules to abide by every year and stressing myself out and never saying, “No, not this year”, or “No I’ll be there between this time and this time” and the hefty “No, I’m at so and so’s this year”. I just had the most relaxing, not-so-dramatic Christmas ever. Why do holidays have to be so dramatic anyway? Don’t answer that because it’s a different experience for everyone especially those with traditions. Now that I’ve shed the demonic stress layers from Christmas pasts I can look ahead to 2008 and say, “Hey, Christmas isn’t so bad,” but New Years is always even better.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Traveling Thoughts

I’m diving into personal territory here today so I advise you to brace yourself. What you are about to read is a true story which might lack the usual sarcasm that I am so great at.

My route in two days, 206, 287, GSP, Rt. 9, TPK, I crossed over Rt. 1 – does that count?, 78, 24, 80, just about every major roadway in NJ except 280, 46, Rt. 3. I dread the holidays because of the traveling, but to me this year wasn’t so bad (so far), I mean, I will admit I felt as if I had done something wrong, that I was odd chick out because I was. However, I was surrounded by family and their four legged friends who still managed to jump on the couch and wake me up this morning. As I traveled the major highways I sang, and laughed, and shed a tear here and there, only because that occurs on long trips in the car by myself. I am impressed that I still know all the words to “Earth Angel” on the Solid Golden Oldies channel.

I do miss my father big time and while I stood at his grave today with my grandfather I felt that I had to remain strong for both of us, meaning I couldn’t sit there and ball my eyes out like I had done all the times before. I did feel him reach out and put his hand on my left shoulder like he always did. But next time I go by myself, I’ll ball my eyes out and stay as long as I want.

After Grandpa’s I drove past our old house on Tyler Ave. the new owners put a bay window in, and repainted the shutters maroon, but the house looks the same as it did 14 years ago and there were kids playing in the street like I did once. I still know my way around town and I still remember the Sesame Street house, but I couldn’t find my way there.

As I bring this endearing story to an end my mind and my thoughts are somewhere else, lost in the city lights where they like to linger, in hopes that I will see them again soon amongst cookies, mistletoe and surprises.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Lemon Drops

I am very proud of myself, no matter how much I have to drink I stick to my guns. I am not that easily influenced by alcohol although sometimes the next day I wonder why I hit so and so, put drink stickers on my boobies or used my token fake name. So alcohol gives you a little added edge to pull off some hideous lines and say things that you wouldn’t normally say in an 8 hour day, but I would say it anyway that doesn’t phase me. I will admit, I did get my fix last night after four raspberry martinis, a lemon drop shot, numerous glasses of water, food, and some decent bump and grind music. You have no idea do you….I’m still dangerous on the dancefloor in knee high boots. I’d give J. Lo a run for her money, but she’s got the double sided tape and the fat wallet.

And BTW: I apologize to the guy I hit last night, I know it was fairly hard and I might have left an imprint of my ring in his shoulder even though he didn’t do anything to me, I was protecting my peeps.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Company Holiday Party Awards

Most flirtatious old guy – Kermit the Frog
Worst line – dumbest ? – Tie – Kermit the Frog & Yo Yo
Best ass - wasn't looking
Person u never thought would get bombed - Yo Yo
Most fashion disaster - Regards
Hottest guy @ bar (doesn’t have to work with us) - wasn't looking
Who Dr. Who will get # - I owe him a $1 for this
guy you would get drunk enough would take you home...- no one
how many times someone asks what are you doing for holidays
I should have added : how many times someone asks you if you like your new neighbors….

After being segregated into a back corner of the lounge/bar restaurant and surrounded by some rude co-workers who we were never introduced to, we indulged in drink and finger foods and tried to be entertained by the list we brought to play a little game. The cast of characters who we thought would belly up to us and latch on like a sad puppy didn’t and we made a few new friends and enemies. Of course their true colors didn’t shine thru until after a few glasses of vino and beers and that’s when things got very interesting. The award for Most Flirtatious Old Guy goes to..drum roll please…oh, I’m not telling, but I guarantee that he won’t be pulling off that huge raise we tried to con him into because he probably won’t remember a thing today. Along with the two older gents we were teaching Beer Pong to in the corner on a bar table, they probably went home and interrogated their teenagers. We never got to nominations for “best ass” or “hottest guy at the bar” due to lack of ‘eye’ candy. It’s the simplest things that keep us entertained amongst a group of co-workers who never cease to amaze, even the ones we know head straight for the buffet table.

I think we’ve made a new friend, but he’s a little on the creepy side and part of the ‘lunch patrol’. First we hinted about the unnecessary constant bickering of a location for lunch and how they should just pick a place, only to find out they are on some mailing list that sends them emails of the latest and greatest lunch places around! Can you imagine a computer telling you where you should eat lunch today? Second, we asked why they always congregated by our offices, yet never asked us to lunch, not that we would go but then again, I’m sure we would make the destination decision a bit quicker than them. Third we were asked why we didn’t pay attention to our previous neighbors who were only trying to be friendly…we’ll it’s a bit hard to say ‘hello’ to some one as they are sprinting past your cubicle!

I must say one of the best lines I heard all night came out of my mouth to some group of young folks who decided that as we were leaving to offer to buy us a drink. “You’ve waited until we are leaving to talk to us?” What was funnier was us trying to pretend that we worked at a different company – the company that they apparently worked at. I won’t be going over there for lunch tomorrow to babysit since they aren’t buying. Plus they had a spy in the bathroom, who overheard us call someone ‘kermit the frog’ and told these young folks that we were talking about the tallest one in their clan, when we meant someone else! Yo, Yo, I’m still trying to decide whether or not the term ‘seasoned’ was a compliment.

Observations from Dr. Who:
I was hassled by someone, who shall be nameless, for my street address.
No men flirted with me, thank god, although one guy insisted I was from Boston.
Never Get bombed should go to aka Mr. Yo
Best ass - There actual quite a few I peaked at discreetly
No one asked me what I was doing for the holidays, which was good, because I celebrate Festivous anyway.
There should be a category for social coordinator holding the drink tickets till the end of the night
How many Seton Hall Basketball tickets can a company possibly have

Sunday, December 16, 2007

I Wa Wa Wa Wa Wonder....

As I sit on my couch watching football, listening to the sound of that 35+mph wind, and someone outside chopping the ice off their car, surrounded by the aroma of my endless cookie baking activities I wonder….why did I put up a tree? I dread holidays, so why did I bother? Only I can answer that question and yet its sincere therapy that I did that. Yeah right who am I kidding. I am beginning to understand all of this now and how its all about being together. By eliminating the actual terms of the holiday such as Christmas and Thanksgiving, I’ve come to realize it’s the togetherness of it all. There I said it…I hope those of you out there who have almost given up on Miss Grinch have a change of heart. It’s not the location, its about being together. Truthfully speaking, I had fun trying to create a winter wonderland but I struck out finding mistletoe.

Let me get back to the vicious wind and how I’d rather be lounging and thank you to Mother Nature for prohibiting that, but ‘I ain’t mad at ya’, there are somethings that you can’t control...there's always a next time. And still I keep popping my head in and out of that damn mouse hole wondering when the little old lady is going to hit me on the head with her dishpan, figuratively speaking of course, as I look both ways to see if its finally safe to dash for the cookie crumbs she forgot to sweep up. Yes, I’m kidding, but sometimes I forget I have to look both ways, and that’s when I wonder…why. Thank you Del Shannon for putting that song in my head today, its done wonders.

How Do I Lounge - let me count the ways

I wrote this a month ago...duly noted, it should have been posted then.

What is ‘lounging’? For starters it’s a new term to use instead of ‘relaxing’. When I lounge, I just kick back, put my feet up, a warm blanket and the remote control. I could bring lounging to bed with me, and its still the same thing with or without someone in there with me, or beside me on the couch of course its never fun by yourself. But I can say that an afternoon of lounging is best, especially when you don’t get out of bed until the wee hours of the day, and everything else is left behind four walls.

Friday, December 7, 2007

How to Keep Yourself Busy at Work – During Down time!

1. Make lists – food shopping, cleaning lists, clothes to buy, rooms to clean, people you should call back
2. Shop for a new vehicle online – you can comparison shop
3. Shop for a new TV – again, comparison shop
4. Visit consumer reports – surely Big Brother won’t be red flagging this one
5. Rearrange your desk
6. Replace your pens
7. Color code your calendar
8. Read a book online
9. Do calve stretches
10. Button and unbutton your shirt – that’s if you have one underneath
11. Pile up your empty water bottles for cubicle bowling
12. Set up war scenarios – you can use sugar packets and/or army men
13. Call your friend on another floor and pretend its business and have a complete conversation about closing a deal, selling paper, paying a bill, ordering lunch
14. Call another friend and ask if they can send you a red pen through interoffice mail
15. Instead of typing a report hand write it in pencil, then rewrite it in pen, and then type it up
16. Move your cubicle walls if you can, change your whole area around
17. If your co-worker is out prank their desk. Switch their keyboard keys around
18. “ unplug their handset – then call them when they get back
19. Make a list of things you want to do over the weekend
20. If its early in the year make your Xmas list
21. Register for your birthday gifts online and email your friends and family the link
22. Set up e-cards for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays for the rest of the year
23. Create rules for your inbox and emails from certain people – you can set up ones to automatically delete or respond ha ha
24. Color code your email senders
25. Keep a log of how many times you go to the bathroom
26. Keep a log of how many times your boss asks you to do something and if you actually get it done
27. Fill our your Christmas cards
28. Create a database of your address book – comes in handy for Christmas cards
29. Make labels for your home files if you are as organized as I am
30. Move your desk or relocate to an empty office and see if anyone notices
31. Pay your bills online
32. Go thru your junk mail coupons you don’t use and interoffice them to friends as a joke (i.e. “I think you can use this”)

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Cold and Flu - its about time!

This is an email I received today from our safety patrol. Apparently its taken this long for them to realize that people don’t wash their hands or anti-bacterialize their area and they need to use spell check!

Cold anf Flu Precautions: With cold and flu season upon us it is important to take precautions to protect against and prevent the spread of illness. Two of the easiest precautions to minimize cold and flu risk are to regularly wash hands and to keep telephones clean. Because of the office move, arrangements have been made to have the cleaning personnel wash all telephones. In addition, we have obtained a supply of disposable telephone cleaning swabs. If you need to clean your telephone please see me to obtain a cleaning swab.

If you do get a cold or the flu please have consideration for others. When appropriate, stay home.

I do find it interesting that they raised our health costs, gave us less options, upped our co-pay, took away the free flu shots that were offered once a year and continually do not regulate the temperature to keep us all healthy. The member of the patrolmans very group is a known habitual offender, so how dare they send this email. Big brother took away some of our sick time based on years of service including some paid time off hours (those of us here more than 10 yrs suffered a few hours lost) and then they tell us to stay home. They really should be disinfecting the copiers, fax, door handles, before the phones, and put anti bacterial soap around. Aside from that it smells like dead animal in the hallway and a musty smell when they turn the heat on. Hmm…and they think we are spreading viruses?

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Vegas: What happens in Vegas....

5 women, 2 beds, 1 cot, 1 handicap shower, 3 keys, 3 games, 2 cold nights, many bad calls, 2 days without sleep, 2 red eyes, 1 Bang Bang, 1 bachelorette party pole dancer, 2 weddings, 1 phone number (that I know of), coffee with a handsome stranger, 2 rollercoaster rides, 1 bad Italian Restaurant, 6+ shots of Yager and Red Bull, 2 unsuspecting video game dancers, 5 dirty minds, 3 crepes, 1 ride to top of Eiffel Tower, a proposal or two, Eddie Munster, ½ of a new Jennifer Cruise book, Bryan who was so annoying we wanted to shove the roulette ball down his throat, 1 JLo, 1 Alabama Slamma, 1 Smirnoff with Grenadine, 2 cases of Miller Lite, 3 guys Natalie yelled at at some brewery, 2 guys Shirley scared at the airport, 12 hours Dawn didn’t gamble (that we know of), 1 gondola ride, 5 hotels Natalie took house money from, 7+ souveniers purchases, 16+ pictures taken, many text messages, unlimited amount of men Joanne saw in Zoot Suits, 5 hours exploring alone, 1 Carrie Underwood song sung on the strip, 5 In and Out Burgers with Fries, 14 pages I’ve written during this trip and 3 broken nails.

Vegas: Quotes and then some...

“I forgot my brushes”
“I forgot my bathing suit”
“Would you like your shoes shined? I’d love to shine your shoes” – some guy said this to me in Paris, I really hope he was referring to my shoes.
“Can he pull it out?”
“You know what I do, and you know my phone #”. – I wrote this down, but I really don’t remember who said this
“Las Vegas Fruits and Nuts – which are you?” – t-shirt in the airport
- Don’t listen to Bryan at the Rapid Roulette table in Paris – he’s only there to distract you and talk about Global Warming and tax dollars
- Eddie Munster works on the top of the Eiffel Tower
- Princess lucky she didn’t get her ass whooped by all of us after we landed in Newark
- Vegas is cold in December
- Don’t eat dinner at Buca, but order their garlic bread
- Never thought I’d use handwarmers at a softball game
- We collected 52 nudey cards to play Go Fish
- Dawnie works at In and Out Burger
- Natalie's friend 'Ernie' was well behaved, we didn't hear a peep from him all weekend!
- Nothing beats stopping at a red light to switch drivers and hop had to be there
“What is your problem – have you never seen a bunch of softball players before?”
- 6 hr flight there – 4 hr flight back
- Even though it poured all day on Friday, the field was bone dry
“It’s on the inside so don’t bother looking for it” the guy said to Shirley when she lifted up the Monitor
- Joanne left with a new nickname
“OMG – you slept in your underwear?”
- I’m still afraid of heights