Friday, November 30, 2007

Vegas: What I Realized on the Plane

· Wine shots aren’t fun by myself
· No one wanted to play ‘dance to pass’ with Stella
· Even though old guy was annoying to C Lo he still shared his M & M’s
· Chatting with Daphne took my mind off takeoff
· Tim Allen is huge on a small tv screen
· 2nd bottle of wine is hard to get down but I enjoy the buzz anyway
· Bachelor party man would have had his head on my shoulder if he didn’t switch seats with C Lo (He is now sitting 2 rows ahead of me)
· Slick Rick was on our plane along with Freddy Kreuger
· I think I’m drunk now, only took 5 rounds of cards and 2 bottles of vino
· Asian men have to pee a lot on planes
· We were surrounded by ‘doggy stylin’
· If I have to pee there’s no way out (both my co-passengers are sleeping)
· I could tinker with both my co-passengers but I won’t go there for fear of what they would do to me in my sleep!
· Didn’t know ‘Friday’s’ could fly
· Everyone around me is asleep – I’m the only one wired
· Backstreet Boys on the plane radio – I must be drunk
· Do you have to look at everyone when you get up on your way to the bathroom?
· Dirty old man reading 3rd Degree – something is wrong cuz it’s a chick novel
· Velvet Revolver sounds like a boy band
· I enjoy looking at men in aisles sleeping with mouth open – could accidentally drop something in there - 2 points!!!
· I started counting how many times people get up to pee – IPod man got up 3 x!!!
· Not a fan of airplane potties – might be the confined space
· Heard the same songs 3x on the plane station – that tells you how long the flight was
**I split wine on myself mid air on the plane – thank goodness no one noticed.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I'm smiling because.....

First falling snow at night, sitting on the beach listening to the waves, hot chocolate, surprises, details, popcorn, twizzlers, snow caps, sharing a soda, one dessert with 2 spoons, fresh strawberries on waffles with whipped cream, remembering, rose petals, lounging, watching a sunset, holding hands, silly little nicknames, catch phrases, using code words, fun text messages, pictures, stolen kisses, secret moments, candlelight, swimming with dolphins, a hot tub and a glass of wine, special places, red lights, sharing a blanket, late night pillow talk, kissing in the rain, a single pink and white rose, parking decks, italian restaurants, chocolate martinis, sushi, espresso, remembering again, raspberry martinis…….

How to Meet Men 101

Due to a request, I collaborated with a few chosen females so we had each status covered

How to Meet Men 101
Odds are you’ve tried and failed, or tried and captured the wrong one. There’s no sure fire way to meet someone, but you have to start somewhere. Classes can be tested out of depending on your level of sexiness.

Class 1: How to Smile, be Friendly and Say “HI”. If you don’t put yourself out there, you will never know.
Role playing and research required
Meets every Monday to talk about what you learned over the weekend.

Class 2: Know what you are looking for and what you are not. Develop a checklist
Open Forum
Meets every other Tuesday, this way as your list grows from what you learned from the weekend you can talk about it.

Class 3: All’s Fair in Love and War. Learn the Art of Compromise and Negotiation.
He’s got the remote but you got the handcuffs tonight!

Class 4: Men are From Mars – Women are From Venus. Read it, learn it and understand why a man needs a cave.
Required library reading for open group discussion.

Class 5: How to Boost Your Confidence and Look Sexy. It’s ok to ask for his number, its ok if he says ‘no’, its ok to show a little cleavage and it’s OK to call before the 3 day rule!
Group practice, research and makeovers at the mall for women who need it.

Class 6: Have No Expectations! How to avoid waiting by the phone.

Class 7: Where are they? How to find them, when to find them, or how they just appear out of no where!
Group research, role playing and experiments
Open discussion on Monday’s

Class 8: Love Him and Not your Dog. Man comes first, kick dog out of bed and spend that hard earned cash on some heels and skirts!
Presentation and speaker in auditorium. Seats are limited.

Class 9: How to speak up and get what you want or get out. Verbalize your wants and needs – do not be afraid to tell him which buttons to press, that you wish he threw out the holy socks and tell him what would really make you happy.
Group practice, slide show presentation

Class 10: Online Dating & Blind Dates – Tips and Tricks
Do be honest, don’t give out personal information and always have a ‘safety net’.

Class 11: Don’t forget to compliment him!
Handouts and role playing

Class 12: Dating friends – pros and cons. He knows all about you…do you cross that line?

Class 13: Be Yourself not Paris Hilton. If he can’t like you for who you truly are then he’s not worth keeping around. And If you can’t be yourself with him, then you better kick yourself in the a$$.
Guest Speaker

Class 909: How to be a “Chick Man”
It’s ok to eat more than your man at one sitting and eat some of his steak. Men find it sexy when a woman can take down food like a garage disposal and maybe do some ABC burbs afterwards.
Point to class: Be yourself and see if he can stand it.

Class 10 - Enjoying Sports with Your Man. Men love sports. You don’t but want to share his interests.
Explore sports from an exciting perspective – discover and focus on the hottest guys on the team while your man thinks you are the best date ever!
Lab: Picking out cute fan apparel (did you know all teams come in PINK!??)

Prerequisites: All’s Fair in Love and War – Art of Compromise and Negotiation, How to be a “Chick Man”

Final Exam: How to put it all together – now get out there and get some!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Classes for Men - New and Improved

Disclosure: Received in an email – comments are from real life experiences and opinions in general.


Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Comment: If you still are using ice trays its time to buy a new fridge

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Comment: If you keep an extra roll under the sink – this avoids the problem because he actually knows where it is. If he doesn’t change it – you know he didn’t wipe and wash his hands.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Comment: I have not witnessed any ‘sharp shooters’

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Comment: The maid does not work here, if its not in the bin, it doesn’t get washed. Not my problem if you run out of undies - See Class 11.

Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginningAt 7:00 PM
Comment: Again, the maid does not work here. That’s all we can ask for – please put the dishes that housed the food that I slaved over cooking in the sink. Thank you. (See Class 11)

Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Comment: Ever notice it’s the first thing they grab for if the tv isn’t on – eh hem..besides you? The next thing is the remote for the surround sound, MI3 just doesn’t sound right with tv speakers.

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Comment: No I don’t know where your keys are, No I don’t know where you put your wallet. Do you keep track of my purse?

Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Comment: Nor does it mean you did something wrong…ever hear of ‘just because’? And ‘flowers’ doesn’t have to mean bring her the whole bouquet…you can bring her a stem of her favorite flower. Remember it is the thought that counts.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Comment: No comment – most of them buy that GPS thing now.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Comment: No comment – I can’t parallel park on the first try anyway, sitting quietly usually isn’t an option.

Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Comment: I have to disagree with where this class falls because it should be higher up on the list (i.e. before Class 4) and should be held until they actually 'get it'.

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Comment: This should be called “Why we spend more money when you are not shopping with us”

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Comment: Remember birthday, call when late and leave a note. Nuff said

Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Comment: Men who have never made mac and cheese should be sitting in the front row. All others should be paying attention in hopes to attract a female with their cooking skills.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Comment: Most won't make it past the first class.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Yes my holiday was just fine….thank you.

I should have taken today off, in fact, every time there is a holiday I should take the day afterwards off, if I have to work that day. That way I won’t have to listen to “Did you have a good (fill in the holiday here)?” the insistent pry into my personal life question that usually always occurs. Oh, and god forbid you are attached but not married – cuz then its that same question and if its your birthday or Christmas, then it changes to: “Oh, what did you get from so and so?” – your co-workers hinting that you should have gotten a ring. I guess they don’t realize the difference between a ring as a ‘gift’ and for a ‘holiday’, but they still think they’d be invited to the wedding. I don’t get what the big deal is…why are they so insistent on such things? In all fairness I understand its usual chit chat and idle conversation but my boss didn’t ask me how my holiday was, I don’t plan on asking him or my co-workers. I might ask my friends if it comes up in conversation but all aside, does it really matter? I don’t care if your Aunt Betty threw cranberries at Uncle Joe or that baby so and so cried the whole time, whoop-d-f-ing-do. Come on, admit it, you’ve been there, you can’t stand it anymore than I can. I think what bothers me the most, aside from the lack of sleep I get (yes, note the word ‘get’) because of my noisy neighbor at and after midnight, is the woman who only works part time one day a week who sits a few cubes away. She will be on the phone all day, I am convinced she only comes to work to talk on the phone. Not only will I be able to recite what she did for Thanksgiving, but every Monday I know how her weekend went, how her husband can’t follow driving directions, and how little Billy was a bad boy. I can’t end this on a sour note so, although I might gripe about what happens today, I did enjoy cooking in the kitchen with my Mom and sister and that’s all the details you’ll get from me.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Holidaze - Part II

Someone asked me what I was doing for Christmas day and my response was, “I am sleeping in, I don’t have anywhere to be right now.” For once this Christmas I’m doing what I want to do, for ME and not for everyone else. I’ve spent the last decade traveling, getting up like I had to be at work on Christmas for EVERYONE ELSE. It wasn’t for nothing, but it wasn’t my idea of how I really wanted to spend Christmas Morning and Christmas Day. This year it’s a relief to know that I can do what I want on Christmas, even if I just do a drive by because its my choice. I don’t know why I ever bent the rules before and never said, ‘No, I’m not coming to your house for 7 am this year.” Well, actually I do know why but I’m not rehashing the past. Instead, if plans happen then so be it, but right now I don’t plan on getting out of bed to be ANYWHERE for 7 am unless its to turn the coffee on and have breakfast in bed.

My ultimate Christmas Morning: sleeping in, breakfast in bed, then if I have plans, traveling around noontime.

Now that I think about it and had a night to sleep on it, if I am asked what I am doing for Christmas morning again….my response would be totally different.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Food Shopping - What Would You Do?

You are food shopping, in the pasta aisle…a woman with kids is in the middle of the aisle – hogging the space, you patiently say “Excuse me” so you can pass and she does not hear you. Meanwhile, a little old arrogant lady drives up along side of you – she thinks you’ve ‘pulled over’ when in fact you are waiting for the woman with kids to move out of the way. Do you let the little old lady cut in front of you?

My answer:
Little old arrogant lady cut in front of me after woman with kids moved….I could have crashed into her cart, but as I drove by her in another aisle I said, so ever so nicely, “beeeatch”!

Why I Hate the Holidaze

Ever since my parents got divorced I’ve spent the holidays on the road. Start off at Mom’s, end up at Dad’s or some other family members house because you just HAD to see everyone, no one was ever satisfied. I used to pick up my sister and we’d travel together, which was nice, but most of the day was spent in the car and the holidays became stressful. Where am I going this time? Who’s going to be pissed if I don’t have dinner at their house? When did it become a job to organize & schedule the holidays? Before they got divorced (from what I remember), the holidays were spent at one house, both sides of the family were there. If you couldn’t make it, you couldn’t make it or you stopped in for dessert or just a drive by, a phone call. Christmas morning was for us (my sister, me, my mom and dad), then the relatives would start coming over while Mom and Dad were cooking and before that we sat and watched the parade, March of the Wooden Soldiers on TV or played with our toys. Back to my original premise….Then I got older and certain holidays were spent at one house, not 2, mostly because they were over an hour away from each other. I slept at Mom’s, then traveled to Dad’s or Grandpa’s or Grandma’s or somewhere else. I never understood the holidays, the concept of family, selfish of me I know, but if you just saw them Sunday why do you have to see them again on Thursday? (just an example) It’s still dinner with the family isn’t it? If I had my way, Thanksgiving would be with friends or at least part of it would be.

I do hope one day my mind changes about this whole holiday concept rather than just having a few days off of work and rushing around buying presents for people, making stuffing, cranberry sauce and baking pies and the all out extravaganza of cookie weekend which I do love. The stress of it all just brings me down as soon as Halloween is over. Do we really need to buy adults presents when we give them something for their Birthday? Especially if it’s a big family, why can’t we all just do a grab bag for Christmas or just buy for the kids? (Just my POV) The only time I can remember waking up on Christmas morning and not having to rush to be somewhere was when I lived at my dad’s and that was about 10 years ago. At least this year I can sleep in, not rush and have to be somewhere at 7 am, knowing that is not the way I want to spend the holiday, but rather in the arms of someone I care about, sipping hot cocoa and having breakfast in bed in a nice comfy robe, creating traditions of my own.

Disclosure – this could have been told as if I was the Grinch, but I’m not all about coal in stockings, chopping off the heads of turkeys and tripping the Easter bunny. Yes, it could have been a lot worse, yes I did get coal for Christmas once and YES Santa does need to take off a few pounds.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Snow bunnies

Every year it’s the same thing, the white stuff appears for the first time and its groundhog day in the office. “Oh my god, look its snowing!” “It hasn’t stopped yet, gee the news said it would have ended by now.” “My wife didn’t believe when I got up this morning and said it was snowing. See I told you.” “You got how many inches of snow?” “Oh my god look, its coming down harder.” The funnier thing is someone trying to sing “White Christmas”, and I won’t even go there, you can use your imagination. Every year the same old crap comes out of these people’s mouths as if they never saw snow before, never drove in it before, never put gloves, hats and scarves on. They don’t check the news, read the paper, watch the weather channel. There are certain people who don’t drive in it, will announce that they don’t drive in it, especially if we are at work and then it starts snowing, they pack up their stuff and leave, we call them ‘Snow Queens”. These people don’t live in the areas north and west of the city who get the most accumulation either. It’s not like we’ve always had 90 degree weather 12 months out of the year, its not like they were just born and never witnessed this monumental event of the first snowfall of the year. Who cares – big deal, life goes on, buy a shovel.

About the only thing the snow does in an office is it creates an imaginary watercooler outside of your workspace. While you are trying to work because you don’t care what is happening outside, the ‘snow queens’ caravan around talking about it for hours…its company moral at its finest or team building. I can’t wait for them to start discussing lunch and then when I come in tomorrow to hear about their horrendous drive home. It makes me think about lounging evenmoreso than the comforts of a warm bed and a good book and some beef stew.

First Snow is the Greatest

Who would have thought that after being rerouted thru local roads that I would have ended up 20 mins south of where I had to be? 2 times sliding on snow and ice, 2 near-miss-trees later I found a main road that I actually knew and even though I started heading south on it, I turned around and began my way north to work, after being on the road an hour and a half, finally reached my destination. I hate this white stuff. You think that the police who re-route you would send you back home, because that’s where I really would have rather been aside from another place I could think of. I will be buying a map and investigating other ways to get to work in the snow, and that includes pricing other vacancies, because although I passed some really nice restaurants along the way, the fact that I didn’t know where I was, what street I was on, no landmarks or delis, or gas stations to stop at, scared me in a “Children of the Corn” kind of way.

Friday, November 16, 2007

City Lights

I must say there isn’t anything better than driving towards NYC and being surrounded by the view. Those of you who live minutes away see it every day but it still takes my breathe away even after I only grew up a few exits away from it on the Turnpike. Growing up my mom used to take me with her to drop off and pick up my dad at the airport and I used to watch the planes take off and land from EWR and I thought that was soooo cool.

There is something about those city lights that a girl can get lost in and it doesn’t only include the sights on the way there, but the drive to a house on a certain street in a little neighborhood where they serve great tiramisu and canoli’s.

Training Day

What happened in our training session yesterday - trust me taking these notes keeps me awake. I will give kudos to the trainers – they were entertaining and did not bore us.
Frequently Used Terms (FUTs)
· Champion – “I serve as your champion for now”
· Bio Break
· Truly global
· Roll out
· Static
· You will remember the ‘pencil’

Other side notes:

· 1 stalker driveby
· Blue socks with brown pants
· Recycle bin has restrictions – You can reject garbage!
· Wide use of acronyms – People should come with subtitles or balloon headings like “Pop up video”, how am I supposed to know what QC’d means?
· Why do people stroll by the conference room and look inside to see what’s going on? Obviously if it was that important I’m sure they would be in there.
· Why do us females get interrogated in the bathroom by future training attendees? It’s a class, there’s nothing secretive about it and you’ll find out tomorrow. Oh and yes they did feed us and it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but sang-wiches.
· Grimace barges down the door to announce feeding time - literally barges down the door and came back for 2nds even though she couldn't fit in the chair.
· Didn’t win the side ‘attire bet’ we had going on, but did guess 3 out of the 10 possibilities.
· Just because I’m IT doesn’t mean I can fix your computer.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Things You Hear on the Softball Field

(with a little help from The Shirley’s):
· Beat the Meat
· Sh^%, F&^k,
· My as* is so wet that you wouldn't even know it if I did crap myself
· Try to get it up
· Way to get down on that
· My hand hurts from catching your balls all night
· Clare!!!!!
· I’m stretching out my p-bic area
· What are YOU doing?
· It was deep

Things I say that no one else hears from way out in left field..ha ha
· THAT did not just happen
· What the f&^% was that?
· Wow, look at that (as one goes over my head and over the 250ft fence)
· Are you kidding me?
· Damn that 3rd baseman is blocking my view again!
· What was she thinking?
· Dammit, I’ve got to pick another wedge
· I never realized I had a fan club

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Note to Self: No Java After 3pm

Sleep did not come easy last night, I think it was on vacation. I had 2 cups of java, 1 small at 3 pm, 1 medium BK special at 5:30. Needless to say I was amped up and ready to play the final game of the season in semi freezing conditions yet again. I don’t think the chicken sandwich had anything to do with my extra energy either. But after playing 7 strong innings, a triple and a single later, a few lewd comments and a celebratory beer we mosied ourselves to Chili’s where ‘Bob-ee’ our waiter was probably hoping we’d leave early. He reminded me of Frodo, yes, I called him a Hobbit, but not to his face. I’m sure he was in awe that so many women were calling his name for most of the night. Many a beverage was served, consumed and toasted upon bottomless chips and queso dip, while chatting about everything and watching me stab the chicken finger that looked like a penis with my fork, there was nothing delicate about that.

It was finally nice to be home and in bed, nice and warm, comfy and yet wired. Last time I looked at the clock it was 1:20 am, I refused to look again while playing the fun game with myself called “if I keep my eyes closed, it will be just like sleeping”. I rolled over, grabbed one of my extra pillows and held on, not like I planned on levitating during one of my dream sequences that I so seldom have, but a comforting notion that tomorrow is another day (which in theory is actually today) and I’ll be able to drift off into ‘la la land’ with my favorite friend “Simply Sleep”.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Red roses? Not so much...

My favorite flowers are tulips, stargazer lilies, and roses but not the red ones, Delilah roses. I won’t tell you what color they were, but they were in the movie Bed of Roses. Anything but red ones are impressive, and its always the thought that counts that takes me a step back and catches me off guard, its very attractive and shall I quote Paris H “ HOT”. I received a rose, but not just any rose, it was a special rose. Not the typical red ones you would receive on Valentine’s Day, not that I would know because I’ve never received them on the 14th….sigh. Back to the rose, it caught me off guard, it kept me smiling for days, and it was one single stem, a sweet thought went into the beauty of it that was well received with a hug and a kiss. Needless to say that rose is sweeter than candy any day of the week.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Winter Clothes Donations

I started my usual clothes changeover while waiting for the kitchen floor to dry – take out the winter sweaters, cords, and put away the cami’s and shorts. The coldness is so depressing, but I do like to see snow once in a while. In doing this changover, I noticed I hate what I have to wear for the winter. Conservative sweaters, sweaters that are a bit huge because I got flack from family that I am too skinny that I started wearing baggy clothes so they wouldn’t harp on me to eat more. I’m sorry if I’m in shape compared to other females my age who just ‘let themselves go’ and hit the bag o’ chips late at night. Those that say they go to the gym and they don’t even look like they use the stairs. What I have to wear for the winter I can wear to work, but not on weekends or anywhere fun. That’s soooo not me. Let me clarify what I mean by conservative: not form fitting, no shape to the fabric, baggy, not sexy or appealing, clothes that I do not feel comfortable in, nothing in style. Don’t think that I plan on slutting it this winter, because that’s not me either, but I’m not a ‘Lands End’, ‘Eddie Bauer’ shopper. I’ll spend my hard earned cash at Ann Taylor Loft & Express on items that fit and not have to be tailored to fit. This week you’ll catch me bagging my old clothes for good will, someone else will appreciate conservative winter clothes, someone at least 20 lbs heavier than me. And please don’t buy me anything in ‘petite’ or at NY&C, because most of the time they don’t fit either.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Every Man Should....

Disclosure: Written in May/June of this year in one of my tyrades- not present day. Not EVERY man should do all of this - but it is the "somethings" that matter.

A man should treat his mother with respect, and his father as a mentor, a guide, someone he looks up to. A man should be himself when he's with you and when he's with his friends, when he's with you with his friends. A man should care, love, respect you, he should not be afraid to show/tell his feelings, no matter how silly, caring, unpredictable they may be. #1 he should not be afraid. He shouldn't be afraid to be silly and adventurous, and be that with you. He should make you smile – all the time. A man should give you the best hugs ever, the ones where you don't want to let go, you want to hold on forever because you know he'll never let you go. A man should call you, not think about calling and then put the phone down, but just do it, even if its for 5 minutes, 20 minutes, an hour, he should call, just to say "Hi" (a text or email will do just fine today too). A man should sit close to you watching tv, a movie, or just while having dinner, he should put his arm around you and make you feel as if you and him are the only two in the room. He should be surprising and romantic – in his own special ways. He shouldn't be afraid to reach out and touch you, hold your hand when you're walking together down the street, put his hand on your knee in the car, under the table, cop a feel in public (whatever works for you). He should not be or act possessive, but in a glance or a touch let you know that you are his. He should stick up for you, support you, listen to you vent about the crappy day you've had without judgment and just listen. He should be your best friend. He should wink and smile at you from across the room, because he knows you are looking at what a handsome man you've got. (He's not supposed to notice everything - it's the somethings that matter). He should tell you how sexy you are, how pretty/beautiful you look and he should know he'll get the compliments back in return. He should pay attention to what you like (in and out of the bedroom). He should tell you what he likes if you haven't already figured it out. At night, if you are asleep first, a man should make sure you are under the covers, and kiss you on the cheek, not being afraid to wake you because you would do that for him a thousand times. A man should know that no matter where you are you are always thinking about him, that you care and that you'd do everything I've written above just the same and more.

And always….always kiss me goodnight.

Jargon found frequently in Company paraphernalia:

· We urge you – urge us..yes, hold our heads in the toilet bowl is not considered ‘urging’
· We understand – thank you for showing that you care about us!
· Updated on a quarterly basis (or fill in your own timeframe) – is someone paying attention?
· Are distributed to….. – do we really care who gets what?
· ‘update’ used frequently and in plural form
· Continual use of the terms ‘we’, ‘us’, ‘our’, use of ‘you’ as not to blame
· Thank you in advance – as if some of us are actually going to do the work
· Rapid communication – if we speak faster will you be able to understand?
· Data base – I didn’t realize it was 2 words
· Using ‘regards’ as part of the signature line – regards to what? Better to just leave blank and not get emotionally involved.
· Please follow the template precisely - I’m telling YOU to follow the guideline because I want YOU to think I’m the boss and came up with this great idea, and YOU must listen. All others will be prosecuted
· Your cooperation is greatly appreciated – I admit I’ve used this one and yes, if you work with me, I’ll return the favor, in the same ‘turnaround’ time that you give me. So if you get back to me in 3 days, I’ll get back to you next time you need a favor in 3 days.

Things You Say At Blockbuster

*To be updated periodically
· I don’t think I want to get “Knocked Up”
· You look real happy to be at work today ‘Handsome Bob’
· Did you see ‘Shooter’ over there?
· Is that the movie where girls tops just accidentally fall off?
· Look its ‘Shrek’!
· The fate of the night is in your hands…choose carefully