Saturday, June 28, 2008

Foul Ball – Strike 3, You’re out!

I thought I was handling things quite good until the other night. My personal space was violated, not once but twice in the same week on different days. If my wardrobe had anything to do with it, that’s really pathetic because the temperature in the office has been prohibiting me from wearing anything provocative and sexy, so I know that wasn’t the case. Was this just a strange week for strange men in general? I’m not a liquor store after 9 pm, nor am I the neighbors bartender and girl on the side when his chick is passed out on the couch. And I don’t accept freebees in the garage at odd hours of the night either, what a low life that guy is to think I would have changed my mind after all this time. Duh. I’ve reorganized my apartment again so when I swing that 28 oz bat of mine I won’t break anything when and if he comes to the door and when and if I decide to answer it. But I hate feeling trapped in my own place always being on the defensive. I can’t wait to get out of here.

Maybe it was something in the water this week. Maybe the crazy heatwave that triggered such a frenzy with all the wrong people. But that was the highlight until something else happened that I refuse to give any details about on here except for yet another 'closing arguement. Not cool and definitely didn’t score brownie points. I’m glad I have secret weapons in my car within arms reach that I can use at a moments notice, besides slamming my car door on a poor mans fingers. If you can read my mind, I don’t think he remembers a damn thing from all the alcohol he consumed, another thing he denied. Strike two in one week, I hope this weekend promises more Mango Daquiris because I definitely need a few.

I lied

I was asked a question point blank in a round-about way and I lied. Well, I didn’t completely lie, I just withheld information to preserve the delicate strings my heart was held by so I didn’t tell the whole truth at the time and now I think its biting me in the ass. I mean, I wasn’t completely sober at the time either but I think if anything, I would have remembered that and I honestly can say I didn’t remember it. Now if the question was phrased differently however, my answer might have been different at that time, but the chicken in me appeared and I failed to come clean. I can’t go back and change it now and that my friends is regret that I hate to have. If by some sheer hope of a next time, I will not throw caution to the wind, I will just let it fly and take that giant leap just like Julia Roberts in My Best Friends Wedding.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Checking my watch again

Many good old stories say you only find love one time in your life. That there is one perfect moment in ones life where all the stars and planets are aligned correctly and the two of you were meant to meet and spend the rest of your lives together. I do believe that people are meant to meet for a reason or another. You may meet someone and they may have a great affect on your life, you may have an affect on theirs. I also believe that we fall in and out of love many times, that only the truest loves, such as Princess Buttercup and Wesley, never leave your heart no matter where you are in life. That for one reason or another you may continue to run into them throughout your life, unexpectedly, by sheer coincidence or pure luck. The timing may not be right when it happens, timing may never be right for the two of you but eventually when the stars and planets are aligned correctly, even if months and years, decades pass by, and that feeling is still within, that you should reach out and enjoy the ride. It could be timing, it could be a feeling you have that you just can’t deny anymore, but you shouldn’t be afraid of it. After all, its been hanging out like a dirty thought lost in a nice clean mind and just decided to surface and say “Hello, are you friggin blind?” The perfect time for it doesn’t exist, it just happens and you have to take a chance and do things you may never have done before. The ride is exhilarating, nerve wracking and mind boggling, why not reach out and grab what you truly want. First and second chances do not happen often enough for us to shake our head and wonder why we did or didn’t do that. If that second chance comes around to me again, I’m going to reach out and grab hold, I don’t want it to slip by because if I do, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Back up in the Air (Almost)

- Note to self – do not attempt to read a book while intoxicated or having a good buzz – words just jump off the pages.
- Child behind me is kicking my seat and we haven’t taken off yet.
- My window is a little cleaner this time around.
- Oh this is going to be a fun trip with screaming child. “I want candy” she said 11 times and we haven’t taken off yet!
- OK let’s taxi and sit for awhile..again.
- At least the child behind me has stopped wanting candy!
- WTF are no-see-ums?
- My stomach is on fire right now – so much for SPF, or lack of.
- “I need Barney – not candy”- at least she stopped kicking.
- For the most part the sunset from the tarmack was a goodone.
- No music on this plane either – wtf!
- This is why I don’t like to drink before I get on a plane. Everytime I hit the bar early, I get delayed and delayed again. Why get an early buzz just to waste it?
- Now I’m watching thunderstorms – where’s my beverage?
- No beverage but I found my spot to focus on! Focus – young g-hoppa’!
- Pilot said we’d be flying over Raleigh, DC, Philly and into NJ – I’ll attempt to wave again.
- Its 10:25 pm..where are we? (notice the time lag in entries due to beverage service and concentration on storms).

What to do in the airport when you are delayed

Shopping, drinking, making drunk phone calls to friends, people watching, and talking to perfect and not so perfect strangers. You know when you take a seat that isn’t occupied in the waiting to board area and you kindly ask the person if there was/is anyone sitting there? Then you sit down and somehow that seems like it was an invitation to open a conversation. You get to the point where you just want this person to shut the f-up because you have had a few beers and can’t keep your thoughts straight. Now you hope this person isn’t sitting near you or next to you on the plane. Thankfully so this one wasn’t, and I got to enjoy a cold one all to myself!

Going back north..or so I thought

I started the day with breakfast, holding my cousin’s son Blase Carl and sitting poolside until it was time to put the top down and go to the airport for a flight time of 5:58 pm back to EWR. Airport check-in indicated a flight change to 5:10 pm, no problem man. I go thru security, stand in yet another line (here we go again with lines) at Quiznos for grub and my phone rings. It’s my uncle who had a 1:10 flight who’s still on the concourse. Now I’m looking at a 4-5 hr delay since his flight time is now mine! Lovely.

On to the departure festivities:
- 5 hr delay
- 22 oz beers (2 Sam Adams, 1 Bass) and 1 smaller Sam A at Miller’s Brew Pub
- 3 delayed flights..gee all to EWR
- 2 on time departures (to Albany and Philly)
- Bathroom on concourse doesn’t have trough that Mom was talking about.
- 1 guy with bright orange crocs on
- Why else would a flight be delayed? Duh. (man asks bartender stupid question)
- No one has asked me what I was writing
- I completely adore the guy leaving the bar with purple and black man bag.
- Make that 2 men with purple man bags
- Its nice to be the only chick at the bar with 22 oz beers!

Total croc count overall - 4

Knowing that your parents connecting flight gets them off the ground and back home before you – friggin priceless!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Main Event

Before I begin…do not fight with sister in elevator even if it means when the doors open you are pulling each other’s hair out! Fake fighting still hurts!

Reception Observations and key quotes (not that I was paying attention or anything):
Chicky in brown dress shouldn’t bend over to pick anything up for potential of unleashing the girls. “They’re real and they’re huge!”
I’m waiting to see the chicky in the black lace dress sit down and bend over, that in itself is a challenge.
“Dancefloor looks like 287 – unsafe and unstable.”
“Last time he’s gonna have the upper hand.” – kudos to the best man!
“She’s a cougar” – ha ha, sorry boys, you wouldn’t have a chance in hell anyway.

Side note: I never thought I’d be laying in my hotel room conjuring up ways to get back at the screaming sorority girls in the hallway who were decorating and fertilizing the poolside trees once they made their way outside. I’ll never tell you what I came up with either.

Total croc count at wedding - 0

Friday, June 20, 2008

Gators and Cheese & Drinking 40’s by the pool

At this quaint, not quite 3 miles away from the hotel restaurant called Sand Dollar, for appetizers at dinner, we had Gator bites. Taste like chicken and look like chicken fingers only chewier! The food there was outstanding, and you can’t get Grouper stuffed with Crab here for $16 including sides!

Kudos to the Wisconsin cheeseheads by the pool for continuing to talk to us even though we were giving them the ‘go away’ northerner attitude..not only that, coming back for more later on and still offering us a beer. Dig the cut off sleeves man and the jesus shoes.

In pure hillbilly spirit, I had to get a 40 oz beer and drink it in my red bikini by the pool. I had some help though, but the sheer humor of it all was priceless.

For all you single ladies, if you wanna meet men, go to the Wendy’s across the street from the hotel, they may be smelly, dirty and no speakaenglish but the ratio was 10-1!

Bud Weis ERRRR

I don’t know what happened at the Budweiser Brewery to cause the bartender in the hospitality room to be so mean to us ‘northerners’ after he carded all of us for company policy. No one has every put a beer in front of me and said “Here’s your beer Jersey Girl” with a sarcastic tone to it. At least he treated me better than my sister, he asked her if she wanted to smell her beer first. For 2 free beers and a tour with a chick who I could swear had chew in her mouth, we had a blast. Even after we toasted with chocolate milk and pretzels and drove past “Diamonds” which no one, not even the groom wanted to stop and catch a go-go.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Food Court Funnies

While waiting for my sister in the food court I had several celebrity spottings, fashion disasters and key terms:
- Mini Ah poo on wheels
- What’s with the “ya’ll”
- The food court has rocking chairs, interesting choice of seating.
- 1 woman with crocs
- 1 kid with crocs with Mom larger than Grimace. Certain ‘fixtures’ had mind of their own.

This is definitely what I’d like to see waiting to board a plane: 2 airline pilots pull up to the Grille & Tavern. Thankfully they were just checking out the menu.

- 1 Army man
- 2 Navy men
- 1 Will Farrell lookalike
- 1 ground man carrying lavender man bag (by grown man, I mean in 30s-50’s)
- 1 nun/priestess dressed in purple with huge cross bling
- 60 yr old grandpa with rainbow bandaid on knee.

Total croc count thus far: 3

And by the way, the Candy Apple Red Mustang Convertible is hot! Did you know if you leave the top down during a rainstorm it doesn’t puddle up in the back seat?

A View from my Window

A View From My Window Seat on the way to JAX:
- I come prepared with the free headphones I used from my Vegas trip, only to find out that this plane doesn’t have music!
- Flight attendant (male) with Aussie accent safely guides us on plane for the ‘fit and fly’ portion of the ride. “Watch your step up”
- I find that talking to my rowmate makes the 2 dings come much faster.
- Wine is served at 9 am! Yippee
- From the air, houses are so neatly organized
- Baby screaming a few rows in front of me sounds like zoo monkey. (It’s a delayed waaaaa…waaaa)
- I still don’t have any music!
- Right now our plane is #21 to take off….which in airport time is 23 minutes, thanks to the Pilot.
- Finally, beverage cart arrives! But not in my aisle dammit!
- Would you like a muffin? “Yes, but where’s my beverage!!”
- What would they say if I asked for 2 muffins? Hmmm
- 2004 Chateau Du Vieux Parc Cobiere’s – ah vino. Cheers at 9:46 am!
- I wonder if my sis is drinking right now..hmmm
- I have no idea where we are just that its green and possibly hillbilly area. They should have a ½ hr update – you are here!
- Took me 9 minutes to empty the bottle, love the shots of wine philosophy.
- You ever notice how dirty the windows are?
- I’m trying to hold out on my last sips from my glass so my buzz can last a bit longer.
- What’s with the guys wearing old fashioned headphones? I guess sitting in first class gives you music privileges – who do I have to smooze with?
- HI! I’m waving..can you see me? I’m assuming I’m right over the spot where you are vacationing. You realize if the plane had no bottom all you’d see was feet?
- 10:10 am Where the hell am I?
- I just noticed the “no people” sign on the engine thing, there’s even an ‘access hole’.
- I crack myself up! I hope no one notices me laughing at myself.
- “ not open fan cowl until leading edge slats are retracted and deactivated. See instructions inside door.” Inside what door?
- I just saw something that looked like 8 pieces of toast, on the ground of course, neatly lined up like tic tac toe.
- I should be sober enough to drive, ha ha..its only 10:15 am. (by the time my sis gets to the airport I mean)
- Where’s the music goddammit! I got a cool playlist on my Vegas trip – this blows!
- BTW, I’m writing this as I’m thinking it..if you care.
- Ah I finally took my last sip and had some muffin. Its free after all. I think a 2nd wine would cause me to stumble off the plane.
- My idea of finding a spot to stare at is not working!!!! The clouds keep moving. You wonder why I drink!
- Lavatory sign reads “avatory servicio”
- I think I’m going to call you when I land. LOL, hahaha.
- Amazing how much I’ve written since we took off. If I had a laptop I’d be sooo annoying.
- I hope you appreciate the time and effort I put into writing this. Can’t wait for the return trip! (I thoroughly enjoy the window seat but achieving ‘mile high’ status doesn’t excite me right now.)
- Are we there yet?
- Note to self: after claim baggie and get car, get camera out of baggie to embarrass sister at airport.
- I don’t think I wanna live down south, from the air..there is nothing here.
- After a while, the plane smells like farts.
- “Can we eat first?” – oh sorry, I wandered to yesterday – nevermind.
- 10:40 am Just saw a cloud that looked like an erect penis
- Where are we?
- 10:55 am I have to pee
- We just flew over complete swamp land.

Massive Lines

I wait in a line (check-in) to wait in a line (security) to wait in another line (bathroom) to wait in another line (food) to wait in another line (boarding) to stand in another line (departure).

Scenes from EWR concourse: I notice one little girl wearing crocs. Brandon Jacobs #27 on NY Giants comes over to little boy wearing his jersey to say “HI”.
Total croc count thus far = 1

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Keeping it PC

I may be rash in what I say here but at least when I’m at work in a professional setting I do not use terms that would sound offensive and inappropriate in front of other co-workers or players from out of state. For instance, if I was using a person as an example I would use Joe Smith instead of Joe Blow. How that can freely flow off of someone’s tongue is beyond me but I’m glad the phone was on mute because it was sheer laughter on this end of the line.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Something and Something Else....

Funny how a stranger makes reference to something, and something else that I really never considered, and I admitted to...even if nothing was ever written in stone or discussed with me. Either way I did admit to it a few times and backed it up with an affirmation, and the more I think of it, the more I like the sound of it.

Enter the Zone

Hypothetically speaking….you’re dating or seeing someone (however you define ‘seeing’ and ‘dating’ is up for you to decide since the terminology is so modernized and defined differently by everyone). What are the signs that you’ve entered the ‘relationship zone’? Are there any signs? Or as we as stupid humans supposed to let our assumptions rule our mind in thinking two or three meetings would lead to a mutually exclusive relationship? A relationship shouldn’t be assumed, but mutually agreed upon, at least that is how I see it and so do my 'signs'. One can’t want something that the other doesn’t want. You have to be on the same page. AND there has to be sparks! Reply ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – ‘are you seeing anyone else? ‘do you want to?” In my opinion, if I answered ‘no’ to those questions asked by the hypothetical man in this hypothetical scenario and so has he then I could “enter the zone”.

And, if, hypothetically, I forego all assumptions and hand this man a form with ‘check yes or no’ and if I get it back with a check next to the right box, then it becomes a real scenario where assumptions go out the door and he’s claimed his territory.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Why Global Truly Means Global

Nothing to start the week off quite like a global email gone bad. A memo was sent ‘globally’ and by that I mean the “to: said “Everyone-(at various locations)” which went to about as many people as a Mercedes cost. It was informative but it also prompted mass email drama from those who wanted to comment and put what kind of degree they had at the end of their name, hence the term suffix and everyone trying to one up the other based on that piece of paper they earned after their 4 to 10 year plans of school. The dramatic rubberband ‘reply all’ effect triggered a ‘street festival’ of comments and laughter. The best section of the emails that I caught was the geek squad member who replied to all indicating why subscribers could not get ‘unsubscribed’ to the “Everyone” list. The only way to get unsubscribed would be to get fired obviously then you are removed from all lists. If people were smart they would move the ‘global’ emails to their SPAM folder or to a personal ‘global’ folder where they can dump it later instead of dumping on everyone else. But I’ll return back to the book I was reading instead of these adolescent distractions and find my page marked with a lucky notecard about the TFDU and a fine horse race ticket.

Monday, June 9, 2008

One Dolla, One Dolla..Everything One Dolla

I learned about reflective sunburn this weekend after running a garage sale and sitting in the garage for most of the sweatfest temperatures while selling water bottles for a buck. Sitting in the garage did not protect me from the suns rays bouncing off the black pavement in the driveway causing my shins to turn a nice shade of pink, hence the need for SPF. The “Guess My Age $.25” sign was flipped to “Keep Staring $.50” by a slight breeze, and the highest bidder was $5.00. I told him to go home and kiss his wife. But that was not the highlight. The highlight was having 2 menoise se toi’s (misspelling & probably not what you are thinking) and seeing Mario Andretti have dinner at a posh place wearing nothing but a tshirt and shorts.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Ah the good old days.....

Reminiscing about the old neighborhood....
Strolling reached an all time high of 42 times in one day, meanwhile the total combined amount of consumed water bottles between the healthier kids on the block equal 120. That would be $120 dollars if we were to pay vendoland for the water not that they’d change their style and add juice or eliminating the sugar containing soda that keeps most of these people stuck in their chairs when its 80 degrees outside. They should get up and stroll…it does a body good.

Sunday, June 1, 2008


Its late Sunday afternoon and she sits by her window carefully composing her thoughts in her diary…yes, I said diary, that she keeps. It’s not a typical diary but it contains many volumes of thoughts. It could be anything lately and fortunately it’s not a daily entry anymore because the pens would run out of ink and the notebooks were becoming expensive. The sun is beautiful at this time of day as it slowly sets beyond the trees in the distance, sometimes hidden by clouds, other times just hanging out like a shirt that doesn’t want to be tucked in. As the pen continues to write and the lines on the pages slowly become filled with never ending descriptive words she pauses…slowly looks out the window and smiles. If you only could imagine what she just wrote down and only I know, and will know as those pages will come to rest when indeed it is my time. But for now, I write for me and sometimes about you and for you. So now, as I conclude I have carefully composed my vague thoughts once again and exposed to you absolutely nothing but a reflection. Today I was not pissed off by my neighbor or anyone else for that matter…but my thoughts took on a mind of their own and only I know where they went.