Monday, December 10, 2012

I’m Still the Same Person (I just live in a different state)

My commute to and from work has given me a ton to think about. Not that its odd for me to be thinking while driving, since thinking always occurs anyway and the topics usually change.  But this topic… can I say or not say it exactly.  So while I do not choose to offend anyone I’m sure I will anyway, but it’s the truth, and I’m willing to accept it if you are. 
                I’m the first to admit I’m bad at calling people back – yes actually calling people back.  I find that time is never enough and I don’t like to talk while driving either, since 90% of this summer I drove with the windows down.  (Yes I like the fresh hot humid air thank you.)  I can’t talk at work either, everyone can hear everyone else's conversations since the renovation and its horrible.  I could call at 12, or 12:30, or 1 pm.  I’m not sure how that would work either, depending on who I'm calling.  I’m not that bad at responding to emails or messages (I think).  I am not on FB 24/7 like some of you are, connected to the world 24/7 with the latest smart phone gadget ( I don’t want to be that accessible and exploit my life).  My real friends know how to get in touch with me and know what I’m up to.  I can’t access FB at work (not that I would choose to anyway) and I’m not about to run home, log on and see a repeat of what people post everyday.  I don’t care if you took little Johnny to the park (again).  I really don’t, and I wouldn’t dare post where I’m at on a Friday night in hopes that all 200+ friends of mine might see it to come join me.  Heck no!  It’s a virtual friendship network and any true friend, again, I’m repeating here, really knows how to get me. 
                While I’m apologizing, I’ll tread on this plank that I’ve never tread on before (in the virtual world).  I’ve lost friends, a ton of friends over the years.  Most of which dump me because I don’t have any kids, I’m looked at differently because I’m divorced, no kids.  Yeah and?  I’m still the same person as I was before, what’s the difference?  I admit over the years even when I was married I turned down bar-be-que and party invites for stupid reasons, partly because the ex worked a lot, the drive there, and because we might have had other plans.  I would have went alone, in fact I should have.  I regret that now, but even if I don’t make your party and I try to meet up with you over the years, at least get back to me (answer an email, a voicemail) and set a date.  I’m sorry I don’t have kids, that going to ‘bring your own kid’ parties are frustrating because I can’t fit in with the ‘mommy’ conversations.  What would I say anyway “Hi, I’m single, dating and I’m having a great time.”
                I’m an hour away from my friends or my friends that choose to disown me, I was always a distance from them no matter where I’ve lived.  But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t meet up halfway somewhere.  Hey, we’re all busy, technology makes us busy (if we let it), and so busy that we spend 2 minutes uploading a photo to FB when those 2 minutes could have been spent trying to make plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Don't 'like' to 'check in'

Buying gas this morning and always being in the habit of ‘checking in’ to Foursquare made me realize today that this app is not getting me anywhere.  The app is not rewarding me besides bragging rights for mayorships for being such a creature of habit by checking in every time I enter a store, etc.  It got me thinking all it does is allow my friends to ‘stalk’ me besides compete for mayorships.  Again, this goes along with my thoughts on ‘liking’ a page because those sponsors, brands, retailers who don’t give us anything either.  In fact, they are taking from us. 

By ‘checking in’ we are allowing that application and  all its affiliates to track us, track our spending, track our entertainment, where we go, where we eat, what we like to do, who we might have ‘checked in’ with. They are learning about us (similar to us being watched by those we cannot see from space).  The information they are gathering about us, about our friends, about their friends, all through a small button called ‘check in’ or ‘like’ is phenomenal.  No wonder my inbox is getting hammered with more junk mail, I can’t prove they are selling my information to third party vendors, this is just a theory.
Another theory I have is that society is preparing us for the end of days, moreso for the days where we cannot leave the house.  Think about it, they want us to post pictures, tag others, share interests all online.  Even a simple RSVP by a small button on the internet is foreign to some.  So instead of physically having people over for the holidays, we are seeing photos of Christmas trees being decorated, children taking pictures with Santa Claus.  Taking the personal out of Christmas, holidays and the day to day interaction of people on a physical level.  Could this be brainwashing us in the event the earth goes through a devastation prohibiting us from leaving the house? Are they preparing us – subliminally in hopes to not cause mass chaos when and if it does happen?  Just a thought, it does make sense to me at least.

As of today, I am ‘unliking’ pages I have liked (at least by having a store credit card they send me monthly coupons and/or accumulate points to purchase other items).  I am not ‘checking in’ anymore to places where I could be stalked, that don’t reward or award for any purpose other than to track my whereabouts.  It’s taking up too much valuable time when I could be doing something else more rewarding.

You may think I am overreacting, overthinking this, and becoming paranoid.  The honest truth of the matter is our identity is who we are, where we live and what we do, our time is precious, our privacy sacred.  For any app or internet service to take advantage of that secretly, and for anyone else to have access to that information is purely not acceptable (hence the increase of identity theft).  Might as well carry a tracking device on our backs, similar to EZPass or hire a PI.  I will not ‘check in’ with the  brainwashed at least not until those from space decide to ‘like’ my mind.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Won't You Be My Neighbor

My neighbors have not been the same since I grew up.  When I was younger I remember our neighbors were an older couple on both sides of our house.  They dealt with the occasional ball being tossed over their fence and later find me in the backyard retrieving it.  I hardly saw the guy who lived behind us, and that itself provided some fear.

In my adult life, I had a neighbor who’s kids would leave their toys in my yard, let’s just say those toys (including a very nice football) made other people’s kids at work very happy.

In the apartment the obnoxious drunk neighbor would leave his drunk girlfriend asleep on the couch and show up at my door with two martini glasses and a bottle of vodka.  This is why old softball bats make great weapons at the front door.

Now that I bought a place, my neighbors are strange.  I get along with most of the neighbors around here, everyone except for those who are directly next to me.  The first couple was nice, I hardly saw them and when I did they were friendly.  They did have a dog with separation anxiety so during the day he got zapped when I was home (yes those things do work).  Since they moved out and didn’t leave a forwarding address the new lady is horrible.  At first I thought this older woman with a limp had bought the place, and I wondered how she would manage all those stairs.  Turns out it was her mother.  I have never been formally introduced to her, not even after the incident with her dog (giant fur ball) who decided to play chicken with my car.  The woman didn’t have the common sense to run after her dog who was inches from my back bumper (it would have made a great Youtube video) instead she chose to yell at it.  Finally, after about 10 minutes of yelling she decides to go after it to pick it up.  Yes, finally.  I never see her, I never know she’s there and when I do, she’s walking the fur ball and staring up in my kitchen window.  Anytime during the summer you want to see her in a tube top outside with her laundry hanging from the patio umbrella, feel free to stop by, I will provide refreshments to help you break the ice.  I did meet her man during the time Sandy rolled into town when I had ventured out to the mailbox, he was outside smoking a cigarette and lived down the shore.  I found out more about him in 5 minutes than the woman who has lived next to me in a year! 

Fourth of July rolls around and she decorates the bushes in the front of the house.  Not with anything representing normal patriotic decorations, she uses Christmas ornament sized red-white-blue light up balls, hence the butt of jokes for balls on bush.  This woman has a grown child in college who makes weekend stops to do her laundry and always blocks my mailbox.   I still don’t know why she decorates.  Halloween and Thanksgiving come and go and two 5’ light up trees appear flanking her front door.  Thanksgiving had sunflowers in the tree, prompting me to assume she bought these as a package deal.  You know the type of holiday decorations that you can swap out for the season? Something that you’d find on QVC.  I was right.  Black Friday weekend the sunflowers were swapped for Christmas Ornaments and the bushes no longer had any colored light up balls on them, but just plain white Christmas lights.  I’ll have to pay attention for Valentine’s day, the bushes could have light up candy hearts on them.

Overall, the rest of the people around here are nice, it’s a civil neighborhood, even the lady next to the ‘decorating lady’ who always sees me running or cycling and yells “You go girl!” when I pass her on the hiking path.  You can pick your friends, you can’t pick your neighbors and eventually you’ll get that one neighbor that makes you say to yourself “WTF?”

Monday, November 26, 2012

Holiday Relief in a Bottle

When my parents got divorced I had to choose my holidays, who gets Thanksgiving? How do I split Christmas?  That impending stressful anxiety flowed into my first marriage because now I had three families to deal with (yes ‘deal’ with and one was less understanding than the others).  We always had to make someone happy while one was unhappy.  Anyway, now that I do not have three families to choose from,  I no longer have that anxiety.  And yes, as many of you will admit, it is anxiety, and you will agree you’ve all said ‘I hate the holidays’.  What is it we all ‘hate’ about the holidays?

Coming from experience (and only those who have gone through this have a right to judge so save the psycho-babble) I traveled miles between Thanksgiving and Christmas up and down the GSP for most of my adult driving life and the day that I woke up and realized I could do what I wanted was the relief you feel after downing a whole bottle of Pepto Bismol.  Ahhh!  I went to happy hour the eve of, I slept in the day of, I didn’t have to be at someone else’s house on Christmas morning (every year) to watch their kids open gifts while mine waited till I got home (yes I still have a little baggage).   Now it’s life as a slice of my favorite chocolate cake.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the whole ‘spend time with family’ scenario because I do spend time with family, it’s just on my terms now.  So if I choose to ask the man in my life to Thanksgiving dinner, I do not want the unnecessary assumptions that I’m going to marry this one and please save the interrogations  “Is he coming for Christmas?”.  Again, stressful holiday – does not apply anymore.  As adults we should not feel pressured by our family because society makes it out to be such a life changing event if you bring someone home for a holiday dinner.  Again, there’s that unwanted stress, the whispers of rings and babies, and whispers when you’re at their house for a holiday about you, because you are not at your families’ dinner table. 

This is how I feel in a nutshell, I’m not going to schlep around the man in my life just to appease the family at the holidays.  In some ways some families forget that the other person in that relationship has a family too.  So next time you question why so and so is not at the dinner table, just remember he or she is spending precious time with their family, just like you are with yours.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving (the Adult Version)

Of course, what is Thanksgiving without turkey and an allergy test?  Well, many of you know I am allergic to certain foods, nuts and animals.  I was tested as a child and for most of my adult life dealt with being allergic to pineapple, walnuts, hazelnuts, cashews, I basically stayed away from all those nuts you find in the assorted nut bowl on the dinner table at the holidays.  So with a box of Benadryl and the phone handy to call 911 I started my own testing surrounded by family and friends.  First was pineapple, I had a piece and waited about 15 minutes for a reaction, then had another piece, an hour later, the usual symptoms of hives did not appear, hence I love pineapple now.  Throughout the last 5 years I’ve done this, this year its Pistachios and unfortunately as much as they were tasty I cannot have them.  They are in the same family as cashews and will definitely put me in the hospital (so unless you want to leave your turkey dinner early, I suggest not feeding them to me. :)

Most of you do not know that Thanksgiving is one of the most vulgar holidays of the year.  Take note to what is said at the dinner table, especially when the conversation strays off topic.  You may want to keep a small notepad handy to jot things down.  

Some key off topic comments: “Want to know what it tastes like?” Can’t get that smile off my face.” “There’s no a$$, or tits in here, but thanks anyway.”  “Now I gotta reach for it.”  “She can eat you under the table.”  “Was I supposed to tell you to stop?” “For the last 5 minutes you’ve been choking the neck, so what’s the difference?”  “Do you sing? – “Yes” – “Do you have a shower?” “It destroys the brass nuts.”

You can come up with your own story, for ours, it was another delicious meal followed by a 130 calorie homemade Pumpkin Spice cake by yours truly and ending with Black Friday shopping to burn off those unwanted extra calories. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I'm a Politicians Worst Nightmare

My voting strategy is a little odd, especially for selecting local candidates.  I do make sure to watch the debates, whether I watch them on the DVR or live is a different story.  I like to DVR them so I don’t miss anything or fall asleep during the live debates.  I also DVR any political ‘cliff notes’ on CNN, Fox News, etc. after the debates to get a birds eye view on what I may not have understood or missed during the debates.

Since I have been able to vote anyone that I vote for has not moved passed ‘ballot’ status. I do my best to research who is on the ballot for office and participate in taking an online quiz to see whose views are best closest to mine.  “2012 Presidential Candidates Quiz: Find Your Match” which is helpful if your candidate continues on to actually run in the election, but not always correct in my opinion.  That only applies to major elections, not the local polls, which I was sorely uninformed about if only for a few commercials on TV.  Had I known the hottie in the suit at my polling place was actually on the ballot, I would have stopped to listen to what he had to say to the group of seniors crowded around him.  Again, I was misinformed which sprouts an idea to have their pictures next to their names..hmm…maybe not.

I look at the ballot and then the strategy kicks in for those I do not know by the following criteria.  “Does the person’s last name end in a vowel?” If YES, then no need to proceed to “Does the person’s last name sound Italian?”  If I’ve answered “No” to those two then the tiebreaker is launched, which this year was the first year I’ve used this.  “Is the candidate a female?”  I can blame myself for not being informed on the local level, and also by not designating a party therefore I do not get political flyers in the mail, phone calls or emails from candidates.  I could have researched the ballot prior to leaving the house to vote, since none of those people had commercials on TV.  I will be writing to the County to ask if they do send out ballots prior to (Similar to how NJ does it) and note that they should have antibacterial wipes handy since the poll machines are ‘push’ button.  Two good things came out of this election, 3 out of the 7 people I voted for won by my ‘strategy’ and at least I can’t blame my township for how the rest of the state voted or the fact that we didn’t get “I Voted” stickers afterwards. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Adventures in Baby Shower Planning

Many of you do not know but I moonlight as a Party Planner, probably way before I planned my own wedding.  My dad’s surprise 50th party was not the first successful party under my belt as I planned and executed many other surprise birthday’s prior to that in college.  And the list continues on with most recently two surprise 60th’s (my mom’s venue had to be changed the day of with that freak snowstorm October 2011 all within a matter of a few hours).   I even assisted with planning the ‘renewal of vows’ for my folks, trying to keep individual secrets from both parties was a chore, but it went off without a hitch including flowers and a real wedding cake. (I think I learned from my mistakes when I planned my wedding to make it easier and beautiful for them, get something simple and make it their day, not a day for everyone else.  Yes we do learn and yes I’d do it all differently, with a different groom of course if that day ever comes). 

Now I get to add “Baby Shower in another state” under my belt.  I had no idea how to start this one, but thankfully my sister provided a potential list of venues, along with her list of attendees and bakeries in the area making it a bit easier to just pick up a phone.  I like to call it ‘her requirements’, which everyone should take note. I am now a firm believer that surprises should be left to all events except a baby shower – the Mommy-to-be should not be surprised!  She even provided ideas for invitations, favors and dessert, my brother in law even said he’d help out if we had questions.  The only ‘surprise’ about this one will be the venue and I am taking every precaution to make sure what is on the menu is not part of the ‘pregnancy no-nos’ she’s experiencing.  I even asked her what kind of cake she wanted – had she asked for a PB one, I would have gotten her a small personal cake and a regular one for the rest of us.
I’m extremely grateful that her two SIL’s stepped in to help and also one of her good friends, without their help, assistance, suggestions and trust this would be very difficult from afar.  I even asked her husband for some thoughts, suggestions and a birds eye view on what she says and hints at.  I did want to be very detailed and personal for her shower, especially the cake.  Everyone does a twist on “We’re having a baby” cake and I wanted to personalize it with something she said or made reference to, not something the bakery has in their abundance of pictures of cakes they’ve done for others in the past.  I almost went with ‘Flutters of Hope” until she said ‘he’s kicking now and it hurts”, so I went with a twist on what she has been referring to her little boy as “little man”.  “Welcome to the World Little Man Messia” was written on the cake, thanks to Coccadotts in Albany for the fantastic cake (and the 12 crazy cupcakes we walked away with). 

She requested a ‘green’ shower, and by that meant do not wrap anything!  Not ‘does she like green?’, ‘does that mean the gifts have to be wrapped green?’ By doing this, all the gifts were on display on the gift table and she went through revealing the gifts and opening the cards (shaving off at least 1 hour and a half and saving the environment at the same time).  She then had time to spend with everyone who came to her shower instead of 3 hours opening gifts. 

The only thing we did not expect happening was people not showing up who RSVP’d and someone bringing a friend along.  My mom said, “that woman was not invited” as if she memorized the RSVP list (see all the more reason to take attendance at the door).  This woman did in fact bring a gift and with us having a few less people for the headcount she didn’t cost us any additional money.  Had she not brought a gift, I might have gone “Carmela Soprano” on her. 

At the end of the event, my sister had a smile on her face, everyone seemed to have a great time (even with a cash bar) and I not only held my first baby shower event, but was hinting at being hired for “Little Man’s” first birthday party (whichever one he’ll remember)!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Still Stitched Up

Removing my stitches could not have come at a better time.  I’ve had to deal with being more uncomfortable than when I had stitches in my hand.  This was pure bad luck.  I learned I was allergic to the glue used in the medical tape they used to put the gauze on to cover the 11 stitches.   I also learned that after 3-4 days of using the bacitracin I was starting to get an allergic reaction to that as well.  So now I had this box of a rash around the stitches from the tape and also had to figure out a way to air out the wound.  (Laying on my side with half my body covered in a blanket seemed to work).  Then in my quest for something other than Neosporin, since I’m highly allergic to it moreso the ingredient neomycin, which is also one of the top 10 topical ointment skin allergies, I hit a wall.  Apparently the same first aid cream found in a white tube, made by Johnson & Johnson that I had used when I had stitches in my hand has been discontinued.  (This worked like a charm on my hand, so thanks to Google I found a good substitute (First Aid Ointment contains same ingredients).  Thankfully I ended up at Walgreens and bought the “First Aid Ointment” only after asking the cashier to hold my stuff so I could go home and get my wallet (the excitement got to me or was it the Percoset?)

Week three I’m stuck wearing only khakis and sweats because they do not apply any pressure on my hip where all the rest of my pants seemed to fall, oh and don’t forget the underwear, anything low rise was used because the waistband fell way below the stitches line.    I have not worked out in now going on three weeks,  except for push ups, I have not worn jeans in the same amount of time.  I have had it and thanks to Sandy, I can’t reschedule my appointment yet because the office is closed.  Take these things out please.  I am fearing the worst, that this will go on another week.  I should have taken my SIL’s advice over the weekend when she offered to remove them herself.

This has not been fun, I thought having stitches in my hand was rough, this is now uncomfortable going into the 3rd week.  I guess it could be worse, but today, yes today, now that power is restored, I venture on the treadmill. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

RSVP 2012 – things still haven’t changed

As a follow up to my 2011 post “The Reasons behind RSVP” I have met this feat with great disrespect for the term.  I recently planned my sister’s baby shower, and those of you who have done this have probably gone through the same frustrations as I, especially because we need a headcount for the caterer, the games, the favors, etc.  You are dishing out money for this event so you need to stay on top of everything, you want to make this event special.   Hence why we put RSVP by such-n-such date.  The invites were mailed out about a month in advance, giving everyone ample time to RSVP by email or by phone (by giving people choices I thought would make things easier).  The due date for RSVP came with 10 people we had to follow up on, not entirely bad, but how hard is it for adults to respond yes or no.  I’m sure they’ve been through this before.  Anyway, having to hound people for a response is my forte’, it’s like collecting money, you pay up or you don’t get anything, not that this is the case we just needed an answer.  As one who may have delayed RSVPing to the very last day to some events I’ve been invited to, I can attest that these invites can get lost, misplaced, or just plain forgotten about.  Now what does that say to the person the event is being held for? I don’t think anyone thinks about that – its very disrespectful.  We’re not mind readers either, we’re not going to assume because you live in another state doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t make the trip. 

So had this not been for my sister, had this been a friend of mine (with a sense of humor), or even an event of my own, I would not think twice about checking off an ‘rsvp’ list to those who walk through the door,  “Oh I’m sorry you didn’t RSVP, we don’t have a seat for you.” Now that would teach them.   I do feel sorry for those of us who have to ‘hound’ adults and hold their hand to this simple task.  Either way, my sister is going to have a very special baby shower and I will bite my tongue just this once to those who show but didn’t RSVP.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Pre-Cancerous Spot Removal

The official term for removing this mole is called an excision, not quite an exorcism but an excision.  I guess because its half in the body and half out.  I was fairly calm walking into the appointment and having to deal with their computer technical difficulties before the procedure.  One of the release forms I read on a printed piece of paper, but signed via IPad explained all the risks associated with an ‘excisional surgery’ or complications such as scar, bleeding, infection, nerve damage, not so bad, I don’t care about nerve damage on my hip anyway.  Cancer is a lot worse than what they have listed and again, thank god I’m doing this now.  Then I read down to postoperative care (another reason why I checked my first aid stash), not so bad I can handle this. 

Now I’m in the room answering more typical medical questions (the nurse started our introductions with 'Hello, I'm _____, you look nervous as hell') um, heck yeah. Then I clued her in that I thought the doctor would use a cork screw to take it out.  She hands me the typical paper examining robe and the doctor comes back in to mark the spot. He pulls out a black Sharpie and draws an ‘eye’ (yes an actual eye) on the mole using the cornea as the mole itself.  In my opinion it reminded me of those old  ‘color by number’ books we had as kids.   After he leaves she injects the Novocain which felt like the needle was in there forever, it was a cold and warming feeling (thank goodness I emptied my bladder before I got there).  About 10 minutes later the doctor comes back in and here we go.  I felt what I thought were three incisions, the outline of the eyeball and then taking out the middle.  Followed by “you’re going to hear a little buzzing” (um ok), they should have said it would be followed by a burning smell. I asked if it was a laser and he said he quarterized it (he didn’t answer my question or he did and I was just too numb to ‘get it’). Anyway that was it, then he stitched me up and said he was doing them ‘surgically’ to limit how big the scar would be.  (Sure I don’t care, its going to be covered by my underwear waist band anyway.) Then I got dressed, got my next appointment to get the stitches removed in two weeks and off I went to get my meds filled.  I guess when a doctor gives you a script for Percoset it means I’m going to feel some sort of pain afterwards.

I was in the office for 1 hr and 12 minutes for a 5-8 minute procedure not counting the 10 minutes it took to numb me up.  I love it when they say, “You’re going to feel a little pinch” (um ok) and “Let us know if you feel something” (um ok) then what, are you really going to shoot me up again?  I felt the last two stitches go in (it was no more than a ‘little pinch’) and then I took a peek before she put gauze over it.  Nice and straight like train tracks (11 stitches in all). 

Overall I’m glad this is done and over with, except for the part of going back in two weeks to get the stitches removed.  I don’t want to be part of a statistic for fair skinned females getting skin cancer, another reason why it’s important for everyone on a yearly basis to get screened.  Now I have to find all my low rise undees that won’t put any pressure on the wound for two weeks and no swimming in the pool for me!

Spot Removal – Part 2 the final countdown

Finally after almost a month the doctor called with the results of the biopsy they performed on the two moles they semi-removed.  Finally…and I took a breath and listened as she told me “the one on you back came back negative” (whew) “and the one on your hip came back with abnormal cells” (inhale), “that came back as not cancerous” (um ok) “but could turn into something in the future” (um ok) “so we’d like to remove that as a precautionary measure.”  Great…my heart is racing at this point just imagining had I not gone this year, had they not suggested to biopsy these..well let’s not think about what could it be down the line.  I finally exhaled and inhaled again and had her repeat what she said about the mole on my hip, which they want to take the rest of it out, requiring stitches.  “Ok, now how do I do this around softball, I wanted to run the 5k in October” I thought, and then thought about it again from a realistic standpoint to f$%# my schedule - I want this taken care of now. 

I found myself saying ‘no’ to events people are planning ahead for in October, I’ll miss a few games of the fall season.  I won’t run in October in that race, hoping it will be back next year. I said ‘no’ to a race in November, knowing I won’t have time to prepare.  It actually gives me a goal or two to work harder toward in the winter and to get stronger.  Strong enough to do a 10K when this comes around next year.  Strong enough that I made it clear I’m doing the 40 miles in the Grand Fondo bicycle race in 2013. 

But now a week to go and its on my mind. How many stitches? How are they going to remove this? How much pain am I going to be in? Do I have to buy more gauze? (My first aid supply is quite abundant since I had my first bout with stitches 3 years ago.)  Are they going to use a cork screw to take it out?  What’s the over/under for the amount of stitches?  All I know is that I have to come back in 2 weeks to take them out..who knows what kind of, if any pain I’ll be in for that time.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Not-so 'free screenings' blow smoke

This is the 2nd year my company has been offering a free ‘bio screening’ for getting a discount on health insurance premiums (we have to pass all their requirements “take a biometric test and test nicotine free” >>We get a deducted amount of money out of our pay check per month, however, if you think about it, each year the premiums go up, and if we meet their health goals then we get the discount. I still haven’t decided if I’m ‘winning’ anyway.)

So last year I pass it with flying colors, not a smoker (not sure why they have to actually test for that anyway when the rest of my results were stellar).  This year I booked one of the first appointments, to get it out of the way.  They do a cheek swab for ‘nicotine’, prick my finger for blood work for cholesterol and right after (why they do it after and not before) they check my blood pressure.  Results are finalized by some small computer thing on the table and I walk over to their ‘freebie’ consultant table. I’m still not convinced these people are certified, yet qualified to tell me how to change things if anything was abnormal.  She makes me retake my blood pressure, obviously since it had elevated after they pricked my finger, she makes a comment about my HDL (the good cholesterol), level was slightly lower than normal.  Everything else was on par.  **They only use a small sample of blood from your finger to conduct these tests and you do not have to fast.

I had a yearly physical scheduled for the next month anyway, deciding to bring my paperwork with me to compare what they did.  Three weeks later I received a letter from the company that runs the nicotine test, saying the test revealed ‘cotinine’, which is an indicator of tobacco smoke exposure, aka 2nd hand smoke to a non-smoker (which I am).  The results didn’t show any ng/mL levels, but regardless I was furious, because I am a non-smoker and I am not surrounded by chain smokers who pay little respect to me as a non-smoker by blowing smoke in my face.  Immediately I call my doctor to see if they can add on the nicotine test to my blood work when I come in for the physical which they most certainly can.

Now my appointment, where I tell  my doctor the story and he laughs as if he were a made man, “that’s crazy, don’t worry we’ll take care of it.”   Routine physical done, blood work done – check, now I can’t wait for the results.  I was actually very impatient about this because having to prove to my health provider that I wasn’t a smoker p-d me off.  In a way I felt violated, having to prove myself and thinking now that someone is getting a kickback.  Anyway, my proof came in a phone call when my results came back from my doctor, all perfect, negative for nicotine as expected and off goes the fax to my health care provider.  Too bad I couldn’t attach a note saying “See I told you so.”

Don’t mistake this for knocking on a free service provided by my work’s healthcare provider, it may benefit some people, especially those that need to change their health for the better.  However a yearly trip to my doctor for a physical is definitely worth it because its covered under health insurance (sans the write off for a co-pay).  Yes it’s a PITA for an appointment, and to fast just for blood work but to get the expert test results done right and to make sure all systems are go its well worth the drive.  It’s such a shame us healthy folks have to go through all this trouble for a discount.

*Ultimately I think someone was getting a kickback to have x amount of people test positive for cotinine or nicotine, so you won't see me lining up for the freebie next year > JMO.

Monday, September 3, 2012

CAMPING 101 and other things

(Parental Guidance is Suggested)

I start off regretting never doing this all the other times I went camping, aside from the funny pictures back then, the ‘caution tape’ woman, endless sangria and burning of clothing pictures I do not have any quotes from those trips.  Here’s to starting off camping the right way – and never telling you ‘who said that’!

Look I have a big pole.

Is that a mallet?
And a polar, you got a Klingon.

The box is too small.

Are you putting our fly up?

The hoses are underground but the heads you can see. (obviously talking about the sprinkler system)

Ours goes up quick.

Don’t touch the sides?
Is it ok if I touch the front?

Need to get a little protein in there
That’ll be the 16 inches

You’re a fatty pants that’s why you need a big tent.

You have the right to bear arms.

A little bit of ____ (I’m refraining from putting exactly what was said here, the entire conversation would have to be typed out to understand)

This looks like Occupy ## Old Penn Drive

How much length can you take?

I like the body wash, it has a nice smell to it.

I really hope it clears up tonight, I was looking forward to seeing Uranus and the rings of Saturn.

I had a huge one and put it in a box.

You’re gonna be wrapped up inside me so don’t worry about it.

Dad you taught me that tongue action.

Is it soft enough so you can bite into it?

The tents big enough I won’t smell you.

Is there room in there for morning juice?
Morning juice is the sweetest type of juice
Well, I don’t know about YOUR morning juice

She can sit in there till the morning for all I care.

That was cold in my mouth

Check out Rob’s wood

There’s a difference between a cougar and a mountain lion

Its pixilated

This looks like a sex toy
This is more complicated than it needs to be

There’s always time for wine.

You have to put it on and tie it where you want it.
You can actually reuse it too.

50 shades of Earl Grey

It’s a vent hole…like the sheep.

Push it in the hole – its too deep.

She’s making a club up in here

Its not the size of the tent it’s the time it takes to pitch a tent

U can multi size them? 

Every day for the rest of my life

I wanted everyone to find my nipples tonite

Did you see the size of his head?

Finish your poo!

I’ve got my thing hanging out waiting to get bit and swollen.

He schmeared it all over himself.

Got to get it limp first before you carmelize it and get it hard.

That takes big ones

You can pull the cord anytime you want.

That’s a good piece of wood.

Obviously anything you say during camping can be misconstrued, but it takes the right group of people to make it funnier!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Adventures of-the-not-so-kind-in Babysitting

Car packed, ezpass ready to go and the ‘angels’ headed to the shore for the annual girls trip.  We returned to the scene of the crime beach bar where three years ago I drank too much and didn’t eat enough and never made it back out of the room for the nightlife (or as I like to put it, the bed was much more comfortable).  The tables turned this time as one of the angels was in that same situation.  We hit our usual beach bar, figuring we’d eat later, and we should have just ordered an appetizer first.  A few drinks later, one bachelor party and an old man sitting next to me who got an earful we moved on to food.  After eating and making sure the angel was fine without us, we put on our dresses and headed out to this new club HQ in Revel (new hotel).  At 1 am there was a line to get in and somehow we got asked by this group of college guys to go in with them. Of course the birthday girl pulled out the birthday card and the ‘leader’ of their pack paid for her admission along with shots of Birthday Cake vodka for everyone.  Little did he know that in about 5 years from now offering to buy ladies free drinks will not get him anywhere.  I will say that was the funner group of the night, especially the version of Titanium sung by the taller of the pack making me think the high pitched sound was a hint he was gay.  Unfortunately when being sandwiched on a dancefloor there isn’t room to get away so to speak so we walked around and dodged and dived every guy who wanted to reach out and touch one of us or buy us a drink.  I can’t count the times we were asked, it was unreal.  On to the next pass…where this guy, all by himself, a Sean Astin look alike from the LOTR, said “You three ladies look like you need a drink” and bought us Patron shots, actually they were double shots, and did not leave us alone, he got all touchy feely creepy (if that’s at all possible in one sentence) but thankfully we were saved by the other pack of college kids (do you see a pattern here?). They at least held a conversation and bought a decent round of drinks, yet hard to ditch on the dancefloor after telling stories of being in a car accident, who wouldn’t want to ditch them?  And yet we were entertained by their naivety as usual, because none of them were convinced we were in our 30s.  “Yes, really!”

HQ was comical to say the least, I wanted to huddle and yell “21, 26, 37 hut hut hike” haha.  We vowed to card the next pack prior to accepting any drinks next time out.

On to 5 am noodles to get us balanced and back to reality, yet getting to 5 am noodles through the pack of ladies of the night and their groupies was a trip.  “Hey, you could use some chocolate around that milky white mouth of yours,” as we yelled back “White milk”, “fat free’, “skim”!  Yes I know, its bad, but he asked for it.

Down one angel we venture out the next night to Boogie Nights, the remedy for our search for a dancefloor with room to move and no one to grope us.  Seeking refuge in Michael Jackson, Vanilla Ice and KC and the Sunshine Band was the cure we needed, along with the older (much older) guys that joined us (and did not grope us, try to pick us up or buy us drinks).  They were great, we never even got their names but I have a picture of them below, they were good sports.  We were also asked for one last ‘kid’n’play’ move before we left, had we accepted it I would have been barefoot since the running man and staying alive put our dogs out for the night. 

The next day views on the beach were none to gawk at, we saw a tiki hut in bright colors set up by a family, we were tempted to go see what drinks they had after we caught wind of someone smoking the funny stuff.  The 80’s couple was cute, all decked out in a wife beater and pony tail , while the female wore a short denim skirt and her hair teased out in ponytail with a scrunchie, she must have followed Warrant as a teenager.  But it takes a real man to carry his daughters hot pink and purple backpack.

Overall my vote goes to testing the baseball cap theory: “Don’t take offense to this but I have to ask, are you bald under there?” and the guy nicely replied, “No I’m not offended” removed his hat and said “Yes I am”.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Pavement Tri-fecta

I just realized I’ve ran three 5K’s in 3 different states in 2 years.  This last one was rough.  I trained for it, actually ran in the hot and humid late June and July heat and made sure I made it up the steep hill by my house without stopping and not walking it.  I continued doing my own personal training plan which included indoor intervals on the treadmill, then a long run, then just running for endurance.  The heat didn’t get to me, if anything the bugs along the path by the creek did.  I began to see more people along the path, making running after work more comfortable, seeing the same faces and cyclists and that chipmunk that my stepdad released from his imprisonment after snatching peaches off their tree.  My next goal was personal, this was one of the main reasons why I was running and why I was running this event.  Left known only to me and a choice amount of others I had to do this.  It wasn’t about beating my previous times for a personal record it was to prove a point, at least to me.  On this overcast humid day, I set out with a goal.  I had a healthy breakfast of oatmeal and berries, lunch was a spinach and feta cheese omelette, my choice of snack about 90 minutes prior was a banana.  That seemed to work well the last few weeks for me. Hydration was not an issue, I love water.

The event was not well organized, we did not line up by anticipated finish times similar to the previous races I’ve run in. I was stuck in a sea of jogging strollers, walkers and runners of all shapes and sizes.  This was a free for all.  Needless to say my usual mantra of finding someone to pass went out the window until I dodged the traffic in my way.  “Walkers to the right” I yelled before reaching the half mile marker, and I continued to yell to help fellow runners who were coming up behind me.  I was pissed, this was going to screw up my plan.  Somewhere along the way I just gave up the mantra and just ran, I had heavy tunes in my head, a good pace going and then I found my target.  I had to pass this woman in an orange tank top.  I don’t know why she became my victim but it worked, then I had to pass this old man, and so on.  Anyone that started with me I didn’t see along the way, our team was scattered.  As I reached my sprinting point my energy was almost depleted from the amount of hills we had to conquer.  After the last corner we turned I finally saw the time at the finish line and I had to hurry.  I was close to beating my time from the Albany race at least in my head but I was still unsure where I sat with my personal goal.  I kicked it up a notch and let the tank run dry as I passed the finish.  It was only then when I saw my friend that I said, “Holy $$$$, that was f-in hard!”  She was pretty sure I reached my goal, but we had to be sure and I wouldn’t know for sure until the results were in.  The only reassurance I had was a friend telling me that I had this in the bag, that my training was going to pay off.

I must say I beat the pavement hard on this one, my body aches, I’m still exhausted two days later and I do not curse the person that ever put running in my head.  I actually thank them because I am faster, I have more endurance thanks to this new found cardio and yes, I conquered my personal goal. Dad would be proud.  Who knows you may see me again next year.

Beating on the Pavement

The funny thing about running a 5K for the second time is you do not know what to expect. After training for about a year (or moreso doing real cardio for a change instead of just playing softball) and getting used to ‘running’ for more than just the time it takes to run the bases, I competed in my first 5K. The route was small and narrow, there was about 2000 other women all shapes, sizes, races, ages.  It was a sea of eggs.  It was cold that morning in October, I was freezing but my UnderArmour capris and top kept me warm.  Once I got running, the music pumping in my ears, I couldn’t stop, not even the side stitch I got after the first mile was going to stop me.  The amount of people on the narrow path made it hard to navigate around them but once I found an open spot I dashed around the slower runners and walkers and continued on my way.  About the last .5 mile I sprinted, I took off, there was enough space to just run and I mustered up enough energy to finish.  Later on I was discouraged, I didn’t like running with those unexperienced runners (even if I was one myself).  Many of them didn’t know to move to the side if they were slower or walking.  I wasn’t sure I’d do it again.

And I did, I kept running throughout the year, actually added it as cardio to my weekly workout and entered a race with my sister, the runner in the family.  No way in hell would I be able to beat her best time, so I told her she might be waiting about 8 minutes for me at the finish line.  June in Albany was not expected to be a cold and rainy day, but we were racing in the Freihofers run. Thankfully the rain was just a drizzle when we lined up and only downpoured after we finished on the way to the car.  I followed my same mantra only this time I picked out people who were ahead of me and said to myself “I have to pass that one, and that one and that one” and it worked.  Only the last stretch did I slow my sprint down in fear that I would fall flat on my ass because of the slick roadway on the hill to the finish line.  And I finished again in a sea of green and orange bibs, my purple one was the only one by itself.  A much more organized race, with Olympic athletes leading the pack is definitely my cup of tea. Only next year I’ll add more music to my mp3 and will remember to pack my foam roller (instead of using my sister’s rolling pin).  Now I have a better time to beat and a sport that I can compete alongside my sister.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Spot Checking

This is the second year I’ve gotten checked for skin cancer, or the more technical term when making an appointment at the dermatology “a full body scan”.  My previous doctor had left the practice and they were closing down, she had yet to send me a ‘change of address’ card for this year so I found someone else through my health insurance.  We pay enough for it as it is thanks to the shady healthcare plan put into place by the powers that be (of course I’m also paying for someone else to get scans as well – you know the ones without insurance).  Anyway, standard procedure is they review your medical history, its mostly a scantron form (check yes or no if you have been diagnosed with any of the following), then they put you in a room and review your forms.  You are then handed a paper robe so to speak, its similar to what they give you at the hospital and yes you have to leave the back open but can leave on your under garments.  First I met with the nurse practicianer (female) who would do the initial scan and then the doctor would come in.  She went over everything, checked in my hair, from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet.  I asked her a few questions about  the spots I already had that I was told to ‘keep an eye on’.  One spot in particular was a dark spot on the top of my hip that was just ugly but hadn’t changed in size, shape or color.   She made note of them and then called the doctor in, who also came in with another nurse.  She sat in front of the computer basically taking notes of the exam.  There are now 3 people plus me in the small exam room.  It’s a bit crowded for my liking.  Again, we review the spots, the one on my hip, the raised one on my back (which never really was an issue, it would itch me every now and then).  Then the doctor asked if I’d like the spot near my nose removed, its basically a clear beauty mark that I’ve gotten used to, so I declined.  The cut marks on my legs from years of cutting myself shaving, then cutting them again and again, which have scarred are normal (to me they are ugly, I may go back in the winter to get them taken off).  It was then decided to remove the spot on my back and the one on my hip.  So now I’m laying on my stomach as if I was sunning while the nurse practicianer measures the spots and injects me with novicaine.  They told me it would be a quick procedure that the spots would be shaved off.  OK, now I’m slightly shaking and nervous, especially since I’m light skinned and had visited a tanning booth more than twice in my lifetime (only prior to any trip to the carribean in the winter) and was a ‘baby oil’ tanner back in the 90’s. I didn’t know any better back then but after years of sunburns and money spent on aloe products I could only hope these spots weren’t cancerous.

As I laid there waiting for her to begin, I wasn’t at all prepared for this after all we don’t have a family history and crazy things starting running through my mind.  The last few years (especially after a lesson in expired sunscreen and what that can do to you) I’ve been happily using SPF30, and only 50 if I’m out in the sun all day.  Unfortunately or moreso fortunately I did not inherit the Italian skin from my dad’s side of the family where my skin would become a nice brown leather color.  I get dark but not too dark and if I want to tan then I’ll use the fake tanner sparingly.

I was told “you’d feel a little pinch” when she began, and at first it felt as if she was tracing around the spot, not at all like using a razor to remove it.  Within seconds she was done and on to the next.   Liquid bandaid was used to seal them and yes it does work, I’ve only used a bandaid when I went running and during the day on my hip to not risk opening it up or catching the scab.  When she was finished putting me back together, she said the samples would be sent out to ‘path’ for testing and they’d be in touch if they found anything.  And since I can’t use Neosporin (yes I have a freak allergy to it) I stopped at CVS stocked up on bandaids (if you checked out my first aid drawer at home you’d think I had enough) and bacitracin, I can’t imagine pouring my good old friend Peroxide on these wounds. 

I don’t have a moral of the story nor anything funny to say in conclusion. I just advise you to get checked at least once a year to have peace of mind, if you are in the high risk -light haired, light skinned category and especially if it runs in your family.   Always reapply after an hour in the sun, always date stamp your SPF if it isn’t already and buy new if after a year. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

"Fat" Freebies

After seeing the ice cream truck pull up at work a co-worker said to me ‘no wonder American’s get so fat if everything is fun to eat’. What this person neglected to add at the end of that statement was ‘and free’.  Building management brought the truck here so it wasn’t entirely the company’s idea of making us want to indulge again after a holiday weekend. I can only do so much at work to try to eat healthy, drink water, bring my own lunch, pass on the freebies of pizza, burgers, dogs, etc. Motivate our ‘active’ team that 20 minutes a day is worth something, to work up to working out more than ½ hr, that working out can be fun and enjoyable, that eating healthy is an essential part of the deal.  But I find eating healthy the hardest point to get across with these folks since some of them fill their plates up to the brim with the freebies as if they aren’t going to eat dinner at home.

I pass on a lot of the freebies because during the work week I do not have a ‘cheat’ day to eat what I want and when it is its usually only one meal for me that’s a ‘cheat’ meal.  But again, one can only do so much to motivate and to get the point across.  What gets me is ‘cookie monster’ (I’ve mentioned this person before in a previous blog) wanted to take my ice cream, knowing I wasn’t having any.  Again, the self proclaimed ‘I go to the gym’ goes in my ear and out the other when I see this person poaching everything.  One could only guess this person hits the gym twice a day, but at that rate I still haven’t seen any difference (usually when someone works out the first thing you notice is their face gets thinner).  In closing we are what we eat – what we put in we need to burn off somehow.  We all cannot be perfect but we can get close to it by eating right (in and out of the workplace) and getting that best body you ever had!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

My Birthday...finally some closure

Birthday’s over 30 should be properly phrased as such “We’re going out for my birthday” not ‘I’m having a birthday party!’   Anything hinting otherwise such as lavish cake, dinners, dramatic family gatherings should be avoided at all costs as to not assume that Homey the Clown will show up with a pinata and make a Shrek balloon.  With that said, family members/significant others/friends should not be limited to throwing you one as long as it’s a surprise and something that you would want (i.e. if I dream of one of my milestone birthdays to be celebrated at a rooftop bar in NYC don’t have the party at the K of C instead!)  Birthday’s are a celebration of you, not the typical political debate over the healthcare plan either by whoever was invited to celebrate with you.  Birthday’s are not for presents, at least I don’t care for them. If we go out for my birthday, I’m not expecting a gift. 

Overall, I’m not saying you shouldn’t celebrate your birthday, the day you were born, the day your parents became another extension of their adulthood, but there comes a time when you’re not ‘sweet 16 anymore’ and the balloons and cake turn into shots and martinis.

To my friends who aren’t afraid of driving to party and those who sent the snail mail cards..thank you, it means a lot.  I’m over the excuses for why my so-called friends can’t make it, I’m used to the let downs on a holiday weekend where bbqs are more important.  I just hope if you’re pregnant and due around a holiday to hold it in and not scar that kid for life, because trust me it does stick with you for life. 

So I’ve come to terms with the closure I’ve needed for my birthday, realized that true friends will make the effort to party, to bring back the traditional sleepover, peruse the Kama Sutra and add to the requirements list.  To joke about the past, to vent, to gripe, to drink more wine, to vent again and laugh some more.

I will always have one reason why I love my birthday and that makes up for all the reasons why I used to hate it.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

BYOPizza? Huh?

Amazing how easily one’s body language changes when they feel threatened.  Evenmoreso when something as innocent as a group of people standing in a circle talking can provoke it.  It wasn’t my fault  “Young Eddie Murphy” ended up standing next to me in the circle jerk.  I have my own man, I don’t need “Young Eddie Murphy” plus the guy needed to use a razor.  Strike one.
(Insert for your viewing pleasure a business casual bar/lounge setting) – now I ask you, would you have pizza delivered to your table at this semi-upscale bar/lounge?  Clearly not.  I am surprised management did not saying anything since business was being taken away from purchasing any type of food at their bar/lounge. Strike two.

Thankfully, having my wits about me I decided to stand and take in the sights and obvious people watching occurring at this bar/lounge while a band comparable to Hanson played Maroon Five and the latest Top 40 hits.  Had I not been standing, Rosanne Bar minus 50 lbs would have gotten clocked for taking up more than two seats in the booth.  I can’t recall the last time I sat down while a band played at a bar/lounge – unless it was an intimate setting!  At least the sights contributed a bad sweater contest and the girl wearing a prison skirt (glad I didn’t drink the water while I was there).

Since my chariot was going to turn into a pumpkin I left after Chucky Cheese made his 300 calorie slice appearance and before the balloon making clown arrived.  Sometimes going out and witnessing these idiocies is worth it.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Underwear and Workouts

Sometimes the type of underwear, panties, jockeys, gotchies you wear can make or break your workout.  I must say unfortunately guys I can’t workout/play sports in a thong sorry, I’ve tried.  There’s just something about sliding into a base and having that dental floss ride a bit higher than its supposed to.  Not to mention having to readjust every few minutes while riding a bike or during a workout  It just doesn’t work.  I have my go-to athletic undees, those that will not ride, will not show a VPL (visible panty line), the ones that you don’t even know you have them on.  Those are not VS panties for obvious reasons.  I can’t say that VS makes ‘athletic – will not ride’ ones unless its their cotton line.  Even those leave a VPL.  The ones I have on today are a bit annoying and they are VS.  But like I said, underwear makes or breaks your workout, nothing like being in the back row taking a gym class with the wrong ones on hoping that no one sees you pick that wedgie from the wall to wall mirrors.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Star Struck

Sometimes stories that I bring back to life now are funnier than when they actually happened.  In my younger years I attempted to give a guy a 2nd chance, knowing this time around he actually had his license back (so I wasn't the one carting his a$$ around).  I can’t recall if it was the 2nd date or if it was the 1st, but the moment I stepped into his dorm room and he turned off the lights (trying to be Mr. Romantic) I was in sheer horror, I didn’t know whether to laugh or run out of there.  So I stayed and realized the spark wasn’t there anymore AT ALL…and I doubt it had anything to do with the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling swaying my opinion.

Where'd I go?

I just finished reading a regional blogger talking about how she put her life on hold to conceive, and how she was realizing that she had lost a part of who she was in order to do this.  She became someone else, someone who she quite frankly didn’t know.  I think we all have gone down this similar path, maybe not in hopes to get pregnant but to change for someone or something else.  In her blog she goes on after realizing this drastic change made her unhappy that she was searching to ‘get back to where she’s meant to be’ and that entirely means doing the things that makes her happy and pushing aside the paranoia for all things leading to pregnancy.  I left a comment on her site encouraging her ‘never forget who you are and always be true to one’s self’, which ultimately in the grand scheme of things, no matter where you are in life you cannot forget yourself, who you are, what you do that brings happiness to your life.  In the end doing things that make other people happy usually bring misery to your life and well being.  Once you lose that side of one’s self, it may be destructive to find it again, and if and when you do you will be happier and wonder why you ever left in the first place.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Cookie Monster

I recently had a conversation with someone about going to the gym, running, working out and eating right.  How often do I workout, how many miles do I run a week, how I eat healthy at work instead of hitting the vending machine and diving into the free food leftover from a meeting, you know the drill.  This person told me how hard it is now that they are older to watch what they eat, have the discipline to go to the gym and eat healthy, etc. and they are trying to maintain a schedule to lose 15 lbs.  I thought that was just an excuse, first I’m older and somehow have adjusted without limiting myself to having chocolate and snacks when I want (but at a minimum – more like a treat).  I say NO to the leftovers at work because I pack healthy snacks (almonds, protein bars, fruit). Real easy….right? So yesterday I was approached by this person with leftovers.  You can imagine what is going through my mind after hearing about the plight to eat healthy and go to the gym and so on and here this person is offering me a cookie, not bite size, it was larger than a baseball probably close to 200 calories not to mention the amount of sugar that would have sent me off to naptime at about 3 pm.  I politely said, “No thank you, I have fruit for a snack”.  I won’t lie and tell you that yes you can go to the gym and work out 5-6 days a week, eat junk food and you’ll get that hot body.  Who are you kidding? Don’t offer me a cookie unless you are David Beckham, because then we can talk about how to burn off those calories later!