What I Learned and How I Survived the Big “D”

Divorce is not easy on anyone, whether you have kids or don’t have kids, its not easy, its not cheap either.  But I survived and so will you.  I needed to have a little patience with myself.  I was now on my own and alone.  I got a do-over as I like to call it. 

I am in no way shape or form an expert on how to survive a divorce, what I can tell you is how I survived, what I did, how I found my happiness again.  This is my personal experience, a verbage of after affects from an unhappy marriage, when counseling didn’t work and things probably wouldn’t have changed regardless.  I do not have kids.  In the end it was a mutual breakup and not ‘surprise I’m asking you for a divorce' followed by a 'sign here’ sticker.  I can only tell my story and hope that you will find something which provides you comfort, hope and your do-over.  Always remember you are A #1, you must do what makes you (and your kids if you have them) happy.

Look for multiple installments of ‘Surviving the Big D” in days to come.  

Primer Showdown

Benefit’s The Porefessional vs Revlon PhotoReady Perfecting Primer

 - main use to cover the visible pores and fine lines that have been appearing as I age (seem to find a new one every year).

The Porefessional  I received as a sample with a purchase from Sephora at my last visit.  I was able to get 2 uses out of it.  After I applied my daily moisturizer and let that set in I applied the Pore Professional around my eyes, my forehead and those newly appearing lines by my lips.  It applies like a creamy mousse, has a soft satin texture to it once you apply it and perfectly blends in with my skin tone.  I did let it dry completely before continuing with my foundation, concealer, etc.  which does dry smooth and without a greasy finish.  It does not soak in my powder either.  Retails for $30 for 0.75 oz squeeze tube.

Revlon PhotoReady Perfecting Primer I bought at the local drugstore, I didn’t want to break the bank on a first time primer not knowing what the results would be, how it would feel on my face, even after reading the reviews.  I applied it again after my daily moisturizer set in to the problem areas, same routine as above.  It goes on smooth, it’s a light pink color that blends in well with my skin tone.  It did leave my skin shiny on humid days but nothing a little powder couldn't fix.  Retails for $12.49 for .90 oz pump jar.

Overall I’d have to say I like the texture of Porefessional better than Revlon PhotoReady.  They both cover the problem areas the same, however Porefessional dried quicker and didn’t leave my skin oily on a humid day even with moisturizer.  After speaking to my makeup friend about primers she suggested to try Smashbox and that I’d like that one better.  Back to Sephora I go after I finish PhotoReady – if not to buy then at least for samples J. 

Requirement #2: Must Do Own Laundry

After a much needed girls luncheon, chat and a ‘don’t eat the cake’ lesson passed on to a future bride to be, I couldn’t resist writing about olden times.  Not golden years, but there’s something so funny about the people you date along the way that change your point of view on things. In fact, after a few dates with this particular person I added a few more items to the Requirements.  As always, my disclosure - this happened soon after my divorce, when I was in the infamous dating pool of on-liners, those you meet through friends, at parties and just out. 

To start, yes I do have a nickname for this one, unfortunately sharing it with the virtual world would give his identity away.  Perhaps his ideals have changed, so I wouldn’t want to tarnish his reputation should he in fact still be reading my blogs.  I met him out with a group of friends.  We went out a few times, dinner, movies, typical dating mantra, nothing over the top spectacular, mind-blowing, making me want to share stories with my girlfriends.  He had his quirks, he was nice, always treated me with respect, held the door open, call when he said he’d call. I don’t quite remember when it got weird, weird and weirder as in ‘would you wear a crotchless full bodysuit’ weird, weird as in would rather chat on AOL than actually see me weird.  Here’s how that led to the final deal breaker- he was in his mid 30’s, he lived with a roommate, had a decent job with benefits and still brought his laundry to his mother’s house for her to do, because he didn’t have the heart to tell her that he was a grown man and that she needed to let him be one.  At least that’s what he told me, he couldn't tell her to not do it anymore.  B-S!  I immediately knew this wasn’t going to work.  If a man can’t tell his Mother, his family, his friends or anyone else for that matter to respect his life, where he’s at in life, to give him some space, there’s a problem.  It will never change, they will never change unless you step up and set boundaries.

Anyway, so between the bodysuit request, Mom folding his tighty-whities and then following it up with needing to be on AOL I was done.  I definitely didn’t want a relationship with a guy who would rather use me as an erotic muse online than to physically want to be with me in person.  Granted, he had the best of both worlds, his Mom does the laundry, the girl satisfies his needs which leads to he doesn’t have to see her, he has more free time to sleep, etc.  What more could he ask for?  He’s not as weird as the Elvis poster guy, but with all that free time, you’d think he would have spent more valuable time at the gym instead of talking about it.

My Wedding Dress

The dress that every girl dreams of for that momentous occasion once in her life. The dress she dresses her Barbie’s in and plays 'wedding' with her Ken doll.  That dress has now been donated to an organization that will give that dress to women who are well deserving.  That dress will now make some other bride-to-be happy.

I remember the day at David’s Bridal, sifting through the racks, knowing in my head exactly what I wanted which they didn’t have so I settled.  I settled for a dress that spoke to me after I put it on and looked in the mirror.  If I remember correctly it was the third one I put on.  It was nice, my Mom loved it.  It had white beading on the front, and a detail along the bottom, very princess like, sans the crinoline please.   And so it went, the fittings because obviously the dress wasn’t fitting me right in any curve (I think that’s how they get you to spend money on their services).  The shoe shopping, the hair sessions, and of course the pre-makeup session.  All for about 6 hours of my life that I briefly remember.  Yet I’d do it all again, differently, and definitely a different style dress.

A few months after the wedding, like every other bride, I had the dress preserved (professionally cleaned and placed in a box, which is pretty pricey), it has remained in that box for 10 years.  Now what? Well honestly it was taking up space in my basement, I had no further use for it and I sure wasn’t going to wear it again.  Even if I ever had a girl I wouldn’t let her take a picture in it because well, to be honest it’s not her dress.  Those pictures look ridiculous anyway.  Heck, I spent good money on it to get it professionally cleaned, I am NOT taking it out of the box for a ½ hour photo session.  I even thought of having a ‘recycled wedding dress’ party, but then again, do we really want to daunt the dress for an evening?  Probably not. 

What do I do with this? I thought of donating it to Salvation Army, but after doing some research online I found a non-profit organization that grants weddings and renewals to couples facing terminal illness and serious life-altering situations.  And they accept wedding gowns as donations.  Bingo! I finally decided to mail the entire box, unopened, rather then take it out of the box and donate money for them to have it cleaned – again.  The trip to the post office was a hoot, the man at the counter told me how much this was going to cost (in walks a female customer behind me).  “That’s fine, its my wedding dress and I’m donating it so it’s a write off” I said in reply, hoping the woman behind me heard me for some odd reason I have yet to determine.  Then he said it was going to cost a bit more for weight, “That’s fine, again, it’s a total write-off” I replied with a smile and a chuckle, (deep inside I was laughing).  As I paid the man and he handed me my receipt, I knew inside I was doing a good thing.  To me at this point in my life it was just a dress, to someone else, it was granting a wish.

"Where do you find clothes that fit?"

“Where do you shop?” A friend of mine asked who is working out to get her sexy back.  Apparently the stores she’s used to shopping in, either the smaller sizes are scarce or the clothes don’t fit her like they should.  Yes we workout to look better, to feel better in our clothes, to be healthier, yet retail stores are misleading people by making a ‘true size 6’ be a size 2 just to make people think they are really that size, they are appeasing the public.  It’s unrealistic.

Some of us are truth to this, I no longer shop at NY&Company, I used to wear a 2 or a 0, well I can fit 2 of me fit in a size 2 now and they normally only have 2 size 0s on the rack.  You’ll find me shopping at Express, Ann Taylor Loft or the outlets.  Ann Taylor Outlet is great for all sizes (btw the store is 60% off this week).  The clothes fit and are reasonably priced. Their sales staff will even make suggestions for you.  I rather pay $50 for a pair of work pants which fit right that I do not have to hem!   Trust me it was hit or miss for a while, I’d get frustrated, I dreaded going to the mall, knowing half the clothes I’d like wouldn’t fit and I didn’t want to stoop low enough to shop in the juniors department at my age (even if their clothes are cute, the pants never fit right because they don’t have a booty)!  It’s also helpful when you shop with a friend, who also went through the same thing I did searching for dresses at Macy’s, she then found exactly what wanted (and what fit right) at Express.  My mom, my sister and I all shop the outlets, Mom even shops at Express (sometimes)!

JC Penny is another store, they have cute skirts for spring, but nothing smaller than a 2.  I said my peace to their customer service department, no wonder stores are losing money.  Their customers are losing weight and they aren’t keeping up with stocking small sizes to keep those customers. 

So it’s not just me, or just you, it’s a group of us striving to find the ultimate fit at the right price!  While retailers stock their racks with larger sizes to appease the general public.  I’m not sure whose winning but I’m not spending my money there.

1 out of 3 Ain't Bad

The year was 2003, we gussied up and put on our best dresses and even our wedding gowns and walked down the aisle.  Today it’s the year 2013 and there is only 1 happy couple still standing out of the three weddings that I attended that year.  For me, it was right at the time, but now I’m happier than I ever have been.  We expect those we marry and those families we marry into to be in harmony, to allow us to grow together and respect us as husband and wife.  I expected things to change, to have more privacy, to not fear that an inlaw would forget to use the doorbell again and walk right in, even without knocking.  I expected certain things to change, certain levels of respect to appear and they didn’t.  Some things just can’t be fixed.  I’m not perfect, I had my flaws, I was in the wrong and there are other reasons why things just didn’t work out.  But today I can proudly say I did what was best for me, put that chapter behind me and am very happy in a chapter that is supposed to be.  

Ah-Choo!

Unlike the rest of my friends and family and co-workers, I live with airborne, food and pet allergies – the triple whammy.  You’ll find me reading the labels in the grocery store aisles making sure I can eat what the product is made with.  In fact, Lara Bar only makes one protein bar that I can eat, its called Cherry Pie, and it is very delicious.  You’ll also find me asking restaurants if they could make a specific dish ‘without nuts’ because of I’m allergic to certain tree nuts.  I was tested for all kinds allergies at a young age and now that I’m older am going through the motions of retesting myself at a minimum and with parental supervision (and Benadryl handy).  I have narrowed down some foods that I can eat, and those that will still put me in the hospital.  Some food allergies, such as pineapple I have grown out of, yeah!

My airborne allergies aren’t fun either, in fact I believe they have gotten worse with age.  Thankfully, I found a great ENT (ear, nose, throat specialist) that has prescribed the appropriate medications to ‘clear my head’.  It’s not fun, I do not enjoy keeping that box of tissues handy when the yellow haze starts to appear on my car. 

I try to keep my desk in my office dust-free as best as I can with these great throw away mini-dusters! When in doubt, I ask those who may leave goodies in the kitchen after a holiday weekend or inhouse event what the ingredients are.  Basically if it looks like it contains something I’m allergic to, and there isn’t a label for me to read - I pass.

I sympathize with everyone out there who has an allergy to something, you may be lactose intolerant, you may have an allergy to gluten, your friends and family may forget and make a food you’re allergic too (don’t worry, I truly think they are not trying to kill you).  So the next event you see me at, you might find me next to the bowl of mixed nuts, or hanging out with the pet Golden Retriever, guaranteed I’m having a lousy time and I’m leaving early one way or another.