Friday, December 11, 2009

Thursday Night Fever

You know I’ve never done this before. I’ve never come home and automatically sat down in front of my trusty keyboard and just belted it out until here goes. A very nice evening took a turn to the street of creepy and almost left every man and woman for themselves. So maybe I shouldn’t have accepted a dance from a guy who looked like John Travolta in a leisure suit, how was I supposed to know he was going to get damn creepy the rest of the evening. But you know, even when you told me you didn’t want to know my name, that you just wanted to dance, that you didn’t want to take me home, I didn’t give a shit. I don’t care, I wouldn’t have given you the appropriate name anyway you loser, nor would I have allowed myself to travel to any distance to be close to where you say you would have resided. All I did was dance with you. And you did not take “No” for an answer the next time around, and the next, and the next. So being the immature adult that you are, you started staking out my friends and coworkers for allies. You were attempting to befriend them for good words, then you insisted that everyone wanted to fight you. Bad move, see you don’t get that I overheard your real name ANGELO and NO I’m not afraid to post it here, because any chick in their right mind better not fall for your stupid lines in a f-ing leisure suit. I saw it from a mile away but I did accept one dance, one dance that you just couldn’t get enough of. It was pathetic that you just wouldn’t go away. And now that I know you’re name, you, the sleezeball that almost ruined my evening because you wouldn’t let it go, you will regret the day we met. I know you, I know what you look like, I know your name. That’s all I need to know. Its been a very long time since I drove home scared, crying my eyes out thinking that if my unsung heroes, my co-workers weren’t there I’d be in a ton of trouble and not even typing this right now. But that’s it, I’m done. I didn’t ask for this, this is not my fault, but welcome to my world. My eyes are swollen from crying the last 30 minutes on the ride home, my heart is pumping a mile a minute because I truly would call a ‘hit’ on this sleezeball had I known someone out of one of the mafia books I’m reading. So I end it here, I know who you are, yes, this is a threat. Don’t you ever come near me again or its your face against my fist. I owe a ton to my co-workers tonight, for if not for them I would have been fearing walking to my car alone. And had my other plans materialized I wouldn’t be saying this at all.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Its Free Coffee

I wonder why I get myself in these predicaments. I’m a private person, I get home, I pull in the garage, shut the garage door. I don’t socialize with my neighbors around here, they actually are just there for the noise. I like people don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to make friends with these idiots. Here’s where the story begins. I should have known….

I had taken the garbage out one day and happened to walk past one of these neighbors washing his truck. He said “Hi”, introduced himself, asked me if I was the one with the white Altima. I should have known…. We exchanged pleasantrees, he told me he hardly saw me out, and I said “I sleep and eat here, I’m out a lot.” Its really none of his business what I’m up to, I hardly know this guy. That was that, I hadn’t seen him for a few months until my doorbell rang and it was him. I normally don’t answer the door at all, my friends will call me if they are in the area, they won’t just show up unannounced. I answered the door nicely and he had asked me a few questions that seemed normal, like if I had boyfriend, if I wouldn’t mind going for coffee one night…blah blah blah. I’m like, ok, no problem, this dude is harmless. It took a lot for him to come over and ring my doorbell and ask. Whatever, he’s harmless. I shoulda known..

The next night my doorbell rings again and I’m comfortable on the couch watching a chick flick, well its him and he asks me for coffee. So what the hell, its free coffee! Let me get this straight, I think I would have been a little bit more excited had he been anything but attractive, sparks flying, yadda yadda. But I didn’t see it like that at all. I get my free coffee and he’s doing all the talking which was fine, because the day I had I wasn’t really up for starting a conversation myself. Its about time someone does all the talking! Haha. He tells me he ‘finds me attractive’, aw that’s nice, this guy has no idea that I’m just not into him! OK, so anyway, he also tells me this..which is basically a no no when you first meet someone, rather than when you meet someone even if you’ve known them for a long time. He told me he’s nosy, he knows when I get home, my picking up the mail pattern. OK that really creeped me out, and I got real quiet and just wanted to get the hell out of there. Thankfully it was time to jet and he said goodnight, shook hands and that was that.

12 hours later I’m closing my curtains, shutting my blinds in the front windows..I feel like I’m in the bungalow all over again when the neighbors were within throwing distance and their kids would leave their toys on the front yard. I shouldn’t feel like this in my own place, now I feel violated somehow. I’m not sure how I’m gonna handle the next encounter besides not answer the door unless I know who it is for sure. But my new stalker has got to go.

Monday, August 31, 2009

No More Mich Ultra's?

Something very strange about people wearing Zorro masks at a bar in the middle of August and a grammar school dance circle made to MJ’s “Beat it”. These things do not belong in the age group that was let in to this place over the weekend. I should just start critiquing bars and their clientele. But most of that clientele didn’t make it to midnight sober or out of the bathroom. That shouldn’t be surprising after all, counting the ‘people shorter than me’ became the joke of the night in a crowd of plain janes and guys who think the latest pick-me-up clothing is a striped polo shirt they would wear to work on casual Friday.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Billy Bob vs Kentucky Don – not your average UFC match

I called it, I saw it from across the bar, Mr. Polo Shirt, who later we named Kentucky Don, came a strolling over to us. Little did we know the next things to come out of his mouth would have left us in hysterics the rest of the night. “You girls know you are the best lookin’ girls in this whole bar.” Now if that ain’t a good pickup line or what! Add a southern drawl, give the boy a cowboy hat and a horse and tell him to turn around and ride out on that horse he road in on. Kentucky had one good thing going for him, he did buy us a drink, which we graciously accepted and wandered off to enjoy the band, (we ain’t comin’ back now ya’ hear’). Next comes Billy Bob, not quite looking like Mr. Thorton himself, but we had to give him a nickname. Billy Bob’s line of the night was “You’re beautiful” multiplied by 10. Yup, by 10. ANNOYING! I’ll give him a few points for the way he approached my friend after Kentucky left to smoke a cig, but that’s about it. Later, Billy Bob stops me and says “My friend likes you”, (ok, how old are we again?) So I said, “That’s nice” and walked away. Sorry, have the balls to talk to me not send your mediator, because you decided to wear a wife beater to go out with the boys.

Now for the main event….for three hours they would not leave us alone. Three hours! We set ourselves up in front of the band to dance and get away from them and they follow us around like puppy dogs waiting for us to throw them a bone and give them the time of day. Mr. Wife beater did try to make conversation about the guitarist but I didn’t want to talk to him anyhow. I actually did ignore Kentucky too when he was talking to me, I was having a ‘find a spot on the wall and just stare at it’ moment. You can classify him as the ‘local yocal who drinks and tosses lines at anything with a pair of boobies.’ He did enter my ‘no zone’ with some comment about ‘wiping my ass on the dancefloor’, I don’t know whatever he said sounded vulgar and he’s lucky I didn’t lay him out right there cuz thems fighting words. Needless to say the car ride home was hysterical, southern drawls, top lines of the night (including the one about how we were in our twenties….our early twenties) and a realization that just cuz the musclehead across the bar has a great upper body, doesn’t necessarily mean his lower half is in shape.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Silent victories always put a smile on my face

I just love waking up to the sound of birds outside my window at 5 am, listening to the sound of workboots pacing above me and walking in my shared garage to find a clutter of trailer trash. Ok, maybe not so trailer-ish, but a go-cart, a used stainless steel Char-broil grill, things that you find after a bad garage sale. Oh, and did I mention my neighbor is a garbage man/landscaper – yes this man multi-tasks but he paces at 5 am!! Anyway, aside from that seeing an ‘ex’ last night at my game with his new wifey & dog in tow was so out of pocket, but at least I’ve aged much better than him (and stayed in shape) in the last 13 years. I’m not sure she saw me or knew of me, but he did because when she returned from the ice cream man, they bolted out of there. And we did win the game by the way, my injury isn’t deterring me from going 1 for 3, with 2 sacs and a RBI single and playing 2B as if I was still in high school.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Make Sure You Do Not Lean too Far Over an Open Flame

Maybe this birthday isn’t so bad. Maybe trying to ignore the getting older factor doesn’t really work since no matter how much I’ve hated anticipating my birthday surprises still put a smile on my face! Like the guy upstairs keeping quiet so I can sleep past 4:30 am this morning, or the cute unexpected serenade I got in the office after my keyboard tray fell on the floor and I spent half the morning trying to fix it with my boss. It might have also been Pep-Rally eliminating the word “baby” from the chatter this morning after wishing me a happy day. Little did I know he was going to personally call me and wish me a happy birthday a few hours later, and then tell me that he was going to try to hit a single for me tonight. I don’t care about that, just buy me a beer afterwards!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Summer Tease

An outdoor martini (or two), a Sprite and some much needed girl time, minus the people watching was had tonight, a surprise summer tease from Mother Nature. But the people watching occurred when it was too obvious that our conversation of constant texting and lack of respect happened a few feet away. Situation: Man on date with girl in really bad neon clothes from the 80’s. She leaves to go to the bathroom (we suspect), he jumps on the phone to text (we assume). Had my girlfriend not said anything I wouldn’t have noticed that girl in the bad 80’s attire had left and was replaced by another female in a polka dotted skirt. I don’t have to tell you that we think he was texting his next date. Even so, had I been meeting a potential date at the place we were at I would have not worn something I could wear to an outdoor bbq, or that would make me the only person at the bar who was glowing. It would have been more than just jeans and a t-shirt for dinner at home, for this place a skirt and heels would have made an appearance, or even that dress I recently bought. It was a perfect night for the perfect…sexy…summer tease.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Bar Hopping Not the Standard Walk-A-Bout

Sitting fireside at a ski resort, and not actually ski-ing, random acts of kindness took place over wasabi tuna, and out of the norm beer munchies and above all typical evening out ending with people passed out in their own beds.
- Young waiters, really young waiters
- Old guys sitting at bar stools waiting for the bunny skiers
- Put a ‘hello my name is tag’ on the waitress so the guys can look at her boobies
- At next bar…we sat in high chairs for adults with cushions where super Mario served us pizza.
- ‘I have a big one’
- Shorty guys at 2nd bar stop, shorter than me and the ghosts can’t help that one
- Grandpa held grandma’s flower purse at the bar
- ZZ top band member was drinking at the bar with us
- ‘I’m totally wet”

Friday, March 13, 2009

In A Nut-Shell

I thought a particular website would have been better than the previous one. Yes, I agree it’s a ton of fun and I’ve re-connected with a bunch of people I went to high school, amongst others but yet again, the web has let me down. Just because I post an email address does not mean you can send me email solicitations. In fact, don’t even try to add names of my friends on my list to those emails either, that is such an invasion of privacy that I can’t begin to explain. So this prompted me to hide yet again, and resort to the oh-so-private life that I like to have, where you as an acquaintance who claims to be a friend, will have to work a little harder to ‘get to know me’ and not just ‘add me’ as a friend. My true friends know what I’m up to, how to reach me…I am not announcing it to the world anymore.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Not CSI or Grey's

It’s not every day that I sit and actually take notes on key words in meetings at the office. But today, since the topic got stonewalled and veered off course I decided to jot some things down. It doesn’t quite beat the normal people watching scenarios I write about, but it sure adds a bit of ‘funny’ to your every day professional business lingo. You have to imagine using these terms in a typical sentence during a conference call with other higher-ups and not a typical episode of CSI or Grey’s Anatomy:
- You have to circle back around on that one
- I (insert someone elses opinion here) that (insert 3 big words) and (add a clever catch phrase)
- Maybe I’m well out of school on this but…
- It’s a behemoth……you have to extrapolate that, and once it penetrates you hit the motherload
- They have situational amnesia
- That’s what I call an administrative irritant
- …that work intimately with that department
- Let them find the body
- Let them puke on it for a while
- That may be too deep in the weeds…
- …throw up on me on that one

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Probably Not Means No….and btw I was just trying to be nice

At first trying to schedule meeting up for a drink with an old acquaintance was not so bad, then came scheduling conflicts and then he got annoying. I wonder if it was my newly single status that made it so apparent that he was soooo desperate to see me. Either way, sending me constant emails or messages on other social websites thinking I check them often enough (which I don’t) was a huge turn off. I even let him know where happy hour was one evening after work, in which he persisted to ask me to send him directions. Now, this guy has been emailing me, I know he’s techy savy so why not google the place? Duh! So, the last straw of me being nice all these months came last week when he, yet again sends me a damn email, “So we gonna hang out or what ??” My response was “Probably not, I'm busy”. Well "probably not" was not good enough for him because he said it “left the door open”, yes I am quoting him btw. I had to put a stop to this and to stop being nice and just outright say “Probably not means No!!!” I swear, and you guys thought women were dramatic and that we read into things….probably not (all the time)!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

All the Single (and not so single) Ladies….

We were out in full force Friday night celebrating my newly ‘living single’ status, beer, leopard print hat, glasses and gold kitten heels. My ladies gave me the best kick off celebration possible along with some token skivvies, boxes filled with colorful and flavorful items (highly recommended), Little Mermaid bling and a Playboy Bunny! I have great friends, friends that could be an addition to my family and I’m so blessed to have such a supportive circle. The highlight of the night besides the man in the really bad trench who mistakenly thought I was the bride, was the ‘hat man’. The ‘hat man’ gave my friends on the couch, who were too shy to join us on the dance floor a little show in front of them…all for the price of a bottle of water. He was a bit shocked that I had so much energy and could keep up with him (actually mimicking his every move). Little did he know that one time, in another city about an hour away, I won a dance contest when I was a mere 16. Catholic school wasn’t all nuns and plaid…thank goodness for Club MTV! Cheers to my single and not so single ladies…and of course, my Pink Party Planner, who without all her efforts this would not have been possible!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Schoolwork vs Football…hmmm – at least its not my decision!

Just out having Sunday brunch with my 2nd mom today and I realized I was sitting next to a Princess. Yes, Princess. Some of you may know who she is or was, and why we called her that. At first I thought I was sitting next to a guy in his 20s and his mother. But then when I got up to leave I took a good look and it wasn’t that at all. They were a couple! Princess said that dinner was a major decision today and that his schoolwork was more important than the games at 3 pm. OK, does that sound like the guys mother? And how is Sunday dinner a major decision? I mean, unless you are entertaining, dinner on Sunday should not be a huge dramatic event! Either way I enjoyed my catch up conversation over pancakes and omelets, not quite eavesdropping as much as I would had I been bored. I wonder if Princess picked up the check too..hmmm I should have stayed around for the grand finale!

Friday, January 9, 2009

A Large Popcorn and Soda Pop please….

The last few days has not only been pure poetry and romance but could potentially make it to the big screen with a great soundtrack. “These things only happen in movies!” The new year has brought me some new things to smile about, to plan for, and to keep a positive outlook that everything will work out just fine while sipping on a hot caffe macchiato from Starbucks. “We have all the time in the world ahead of us.”

Had certain scenarios not played out on a cold New Years Eve/Day I would not be plotting my next holiday and purchasing airline tickets, shopping in the VS catalog for something sexy to wear, then again, it wouldn’t be me not to follow my heart, because sometimes destiny only knocks once…I am not going to miss my flight.

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A View from the 41st Floor

I seldom write about things that make me happy, that bring that neverending smile to my face because in all honesty..its not funny, I can’t make it funny on here. The other day, I got on a train by myself for the first time ever (yes, traveling this mode of mass transportation by myself was forbidden in a past life), and I had the most incredible evening with a darling gent, surrounded by millions of people, but it seemed it was only us on city streets, drinking Winter Peach martinis, in an indescribable ambience only seen in movies. As shocking as the two different fabrics on winter coats coming into close contact causing that spark, I have to admit I’m purely smitten, which is poetry in itself.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

I Love Dick! (Clark that is)

Happy New Year all! As 12:59 am approached I had such a great feeling about how this year was going to be, not a premonition but just a feeling and it wasn’t just from the alcohol or present company. I may have called you last night wearing a silver lei, a Happy New Year hat and a blinking pin that said Kiss Me Its New Years after I yelled “I Love Dick” at Dick Clark himself, a ritual that used to be part of the celebration in a past life. Besides someone drinking my beers, having me resort to Heiny Lite and a baby Guinness, a very Happy Viking, someone making it seem like they didn’t smack my ass, when I know they did when their date wasn’t looking, and multiple successful parties I attended, I’m happy to say that I have great friends, new and old, that leap tall buildings, go beyond the typical pong distraction and cross oceans for a down home party. The scent of a fresh shower washing away 2008, smells of beer pong, cigars, and the variety of fragrances from wishing everyone a happy new year are now gone and I’m reminiscing silently to myself over coffee and cookies. Il Bastardo you whorebath!...yes, you had to be there!