Sunday, November 30, 2008

Thank you…but no, I’m not 26

Just another night of ample people watching with the Angels, fashion disasters and boobies hanging out. A night of unexpected happenings after my phone rang and I quick changed from pjs to jeans. Had I worn anything less and more form fitting the bouncer would have not let me in, instead he would have gave me a free pass to an all-you-can-eat buffet to pack on some pounds. Men in horizontal stripes, argyle sweaters, navy blazers reminiscent of a yuppie yacht owner, All American Rejects hair knockoffs and girls that actually spend money on boots that won’t come back for another 20 years. Yup I had fun people watching, and feau kicking all the hobbit types that came down the stairs, oblivious to what was actually going on as most of the patrons at the establishment were. I started taking bets to see who would fall on my friend after leaning a little to the left on the way down, but I could have sat there all night, just taking notes and waiting for someone to pull the fire alarm. I will not give kudos to the ‘high five’ guy either, no matter how many beers you’ve had to make you believe you are cool…you are still an a-hole. And bar owners need to design bathrooms for men a little better, the view from the door opening all the time was not what I’d want to see, especially when us girls know…you don’t wash your hands.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Things You Don’t Say at Thanksgiving Dinner

..but do least at our table

  • I’m a legman, but I like the breast better.
  • I don’t shoot nothin’ anymore
  • I’ve been making love to trees all afternoon.
  • The amniotic fluid was green. He was a miracle baby!
  • Yeah, she likes the big nuts.
  • The pie looks like poopy diaper.
  • Can’t you smoke the funny stuff?
  • I think that was the best poop I ever scooped!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Beyond the Crayola Box..

My personal life, a hidden tapestry of colors, is mine and only mine. I seldom let my readers and my true fans in on a little something, always for you to decipher and figure out exactly what I mean. Most of the time you don’t get it at all and that is my point. To make you wonder and guess if only at a hint of emotion that I might have at that very moment and for you to take it to another level and color your own story.

I choose not to name names in what I say here and only call out the ones who never called again, the scaredy cats, the ones who start something and never finish it. But not all hope is entirely lost. There is something truly magnificent about a genuine original, with no limits, being just the way you are, being the way he is for that matter. And that my friends is where I leave it to you to color between the lines with an unforgettable hello and a more than perfect goodbye.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

My Therapy Rates are as Follows….

Just another Saturday night in stomping grounds that I don’t frequent often because of issues of the patrons but the people watching was at its all time high. Nothing like a John Goodman look-a-like in man-dals and shorts dancing to MJ, while his friends at the bar salivated over this one chick who had a lace top on. Yes guys we love it when you stare and not say anything, it’s typical of Morris County guys. And yes guys we love it when you walk over to us when your friends are at the bar getting shots…oh and I forgot to mention, your friends are girls. Hello…I swear Mr. Clean advertising for the Gap we aren’t stupid.

Besides wanting to hand block a guy who had no game at all in a bad shirt, the kicker had to be the session I had with a guy who’s ‘got a girl’. I was interviewed on what I wanted in a guy, what I was looking for…blah blah blah. This guy claimed he couldn’t figure out women. So I entertained him honestly, and he stuck around for more inquisition and honest answers. In my usual but completely honest voice I told him he’s dating some chick who is plainly screwing with his head and that if he’s not happy to move on. I don’t understand why men are so afraid to move on and be happy if they are miserable. Maybe its too much of an effort for them, just as it is to say “Hello” and not stare at us from across the bar.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Table-jumping and Weird Science

Quite the night at the lucky spot where not only did we meet a guy who was nice enough to bring chairs over to our table so we all could sit down, but then decided to table jump and chat with younger chicks who’s tat tas were hanging out. That’s ok, no harm there, Frank was getting annoying anyway, and we entertained ourselves with two guys out of Weird Science. Next spot wasn’t bad, eye candy was lacking and I noticed that certain guys go out in pairs wearing typical paisan track suits they are also the same height. The smoking section was great, water was flowing nicely, some potential eye candy and a guy or two who smelt very nice. I’ll give them that, along with a very nice dance partner who wouldn’t leave me alone all night. I’m a tough crowd and I speaka English.

Quote of the night: "You're hot!!!"

Monday, November 10, 2008

A New York State of Mind….

Many a sightseeing, people watching adventures, great coffee consuming and continental breakfasts in four days. An experience in commuting I always understood and never took for granted as one may think, but I would never do on a daily basis. Some tidbits from the trip from training with shades of London calling me back…..

· Please watch the gap – some gap at Broad Street
· Man on microphone knocks before announcements at every stop – every single time. Hello..are you listening?
· Le poi san, le poi san hee hee hee haw haw haw
· French and Polish people circa 1985 fashion in line at Empire
· Denium skirt with black tights…I’m having flashbacks of high school dances.
· Chicky streetwalking with man in bright yellow leather boots over the jeans – more like mustard
· Italian man in elevator kept saying “Mangia”
· Joe Pesci look-a-like on the train
· Poonjab waiter at Carmines
· Ahpoo collecting train tickets
· Counting many miles again in same eyewear
· No activity at the firehouse in four days meant no souvenier autographed calendars
· “Rail roaders do it day and night” sign – a bit disturbing and inappropriate at 6 am.
· Guy with bowl haircut from 1987 on ferry…and no I wasn’t seeing things.
· Cypress Hill at Nokia Theater had younger people than us in a line around the corner
· “From the top of the Chrysler Building!!!”
· Sister Mary Margaret taking a financial class
· Fanny pack counting – bet they got theirs at the $1 store too.
· You know you’re not from the US when the guys are wearing skinny jeans
· Cylinder man at seaport was busting a move to ‘Beat it’
· Walking up six flights of stairs to the top of the Empire is really 12 flights.
· Actually being under where the Twin Towers once stood was surreal.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Stupid Questions

The most perfect conversations aren’t scripted, pre-planned or rehearsed. They are improvised and the inquisitive questions that come out of your mouth should not be ones you hear in a job interview because the interviewer can’t come up with anything more creative than what is already scripted. As if these questions really do work and challenge your mind on the fly. There are two questions I can’t stand and will avoid at all costs because they are circa 1995. “Where do you see yourself in five years” & “What do you like to do for fun”. I don’t have a five year plan, I spent most of my past life planning only to have plans never happen, get ignored and thrown under the rug. I know where I want to be next year, how’s that. Ask me if I have any idea what next year has in store for me. That’s a little bit more creative than the generic script of typical questions. Everyone has their own interpretation of what ‘fun’ is. To me, it ranges from poking fun at others which prompts me to write these things, to shopping. “Fun” can be anything. I always have fun, if I’m not having fun then I’m bored. I challenge my fans and friends and family for that matter to think of something other than the norm, and something that isn’t a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. Bring on the multiple choice questions and the ability to think on the fly and not feel that you had to wear an interview suit in order to continue the conversation.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

My List

I have a bucket list of sorts, it hangs on my fridge and everyday I’m reminded that I have a lot to cross off, and that’s been there for almost two years. The list has things that I have never done but wanted to and never did in my previous life. A few items are in the category of ‘would like to but not necessary’. This week I drew a pretty thick line through two items that I wanted to do in the city…but never did…because. I’ll leave it at ‘because’. One of the items was to go to the Empire State Building and take the elevator up to the top. Even when I lived down the turnpike from NYC I never went there, in fact, I may have asked to go, for someone to take me there, but that never happened. So after an hour of standing in a line with the sun setting, surrounded by people who were in the city for the Marathon, the elevator went to the 80th floor and I got off and took the stairs another 6 flights. I needed to..I was a scaredy cat. My legs were literally shaking after the elevator floor number passed 60. But once I got outside to view the city I was fine. If you’ve ever seen An Affair to Remember, the story behind the two of them meeting on the top of the building if it was truly meant for them to be together, well, it wasn’t a romantic adventure for me this time….maybe when I go back during the day it will be.