Godfathers, Mandanas, Wenches – oh my!

We decided to move up GNO to late June, since the last few times we’ve gone down in August its been too cold to sit on the beach.  The Angels ascended upon AC in the evening, only to visit a local yocal bar by recommendation from the hotel receptionist, which was just that. I felt like we walked into a cafeteria with a juke box.  It wasn’t that bad, the bartender did show us that adding Chambord to a Mike’s Hard Lemonade made it tasty!  Then went across the street to the acclaimed “Bar and Grill” whose parking lot was full.  Can’t say either of these places was our best choices for the night, but they served their food and drink purpose.  At the acclaimed “Bar and Grill” the food was good and the drinks were cheap, we had prime seats and somehow they forgot to charge us for the last 2 drinks. Thank you! And thank you for having the security system on your tvs to pan the parking lot. Unfortunately and unplanned I did not get up to visit the ladies room on purpose to leave one of the Angels alone on a bar stool, unsuspecting to the short yocal who needed nothing more than just someone to listen to his problems besides the bartenders.  Whoops! 

 

The amount of bachelor and bachelorette parties continue to grow, but you will be impressed I only told one group who I will talk about later, not to ‘eat the cake’.  Even after I rode the elevator with a bachelorette party all decked out in matching tank tops, I still bit my tongue (I guess now a days it makes it easier to find your drunk entourage).  We walked passed the Godfathers, who I must say got the award for most creativity for a bachelor party, they were older, and each person had a characters name on the back, similar to Ho’s Bachelor Party with Best Man #1, etc.  Kudos to you guys for not being tacky.  We met Flash Gordon who was babysitting the bachelor party he was with who honestly just wanted some adult conversation with people of his own age.  ‘Flash’ ‘ AAAHH’.  Haha…. Our last group of unsuspecting boys started with a lie.  He came over to the table next to us and was taking pictures with all of them, then fed us a line that he needed to take as many pictures as possible, that it was a scavenger hunt because he was the groom.  At least I got to see the new Samsung phone!  Anyway, this poor guy, well, he did ask for it, had no idea what was about to happen next.  He said he was only with his fiancé, so he really never saw another vajayjay.  (I think you can tell where this is going) The amount of jokes that came from that, well, he asked for it.  He admitted to only seeing his moms’ vajayjay, then said he felt uncomfortable talking about it until he compared himself to the size of a corona bottle.  From then on it just spiraled into another conversation of “Do you like clams?” until the rest of his entourage including “Uncle Joey” and the guy with one chest hair showed up to collect the stray drunkard who was not the groom.  I did tell them to not let the bride eat the cake, but no one seemed to care.

 

Although we were missing one Angel on this trip, she was in our thoughts. We found a new way to kick off the weekend with tequila shots, free drinks from Captain Morgan and the wenches, people watching on the beach and inside the casinos, which led to another fun bought of a A-Z rating system and giving guys with buns nicknames such as MB (manbun), any guy wearing a bandana was a mandana.  They did however leave us confused as to why guys (obviously who do not exercise) would wear ladies fitness tank tops that say ‘It’s my cheat day’ because that could mean many things.  Boogie Nights and Providence rounded out the night for us. Kudos to the 80’s club that never disappoints and we never get harassed or groped in the process of shaking our groove thing. 

 

After the Angels left we still had a day and a half left, being incognito at Bungalow hiding from the ‘Uncle Joey’ entourage, which you couldn’t miss because one had on bright Nike sneakers, which seemed to be trending if you wanted to find your friends the next day.  We closed out the Dueling Piano bar at the Playground, which, as long as they remain open next year, will be our hot spot to hit.  We have to retain our ‘girls with the wavy arms in the back’ status!

And always on our last day on the beach we get the old man who sits next to us, passes out and wears the shorts without a liner….nothing appealing about lifting your head up to see or not see that!  Maybe next year they will have designated beach areas for ‘family friendly’ and ‘seniors only’.

 

 

No Parking and Plenty of Looney Tunes

An overdue girls night out on an extremely cold night led to an unexpected evening of sorts and a parking nightmare.  Let’s just say that the overall ratio of guys to girls more than decent including the variety of age groups.  It wasn’t like the bars in Morristown, the trust fund babies, those home from college who show up at 11 pm already hammered, there were people older than us at the bar and closing the place out when we left.  I’m so thankful to have friends who will drive to hang out for a few hours, who value a friendship, who will put up with the bar-babies even when we’re not looking for any.  But in our typical Angel fashion we met some interesting Looney Tunes that night. 

1. Sean – “See those older guys over there, the one with the Irish ‘turban’, they double dog dared me to come over here and buy you ladies some drinks” >> it was actually his father and for once a guy didn’t believe an Angel’s real name
2. Dougie Houser – “I go to Med School” >>He ordered a Long Island Ice Tea
3. Metro – “How old are you? You don’t have a ring on you must not be married?” >> He asked all the wrong questions and admitted to waxing his eye brows and manicures once every 3 months
4. Egghead Jr. – “I just wanted to come over and say you ladies are beautiful, just let me order a drink and I’ll get outta here because your husbands and boyfriends are around here somewhere who will kick my ass” >> He ordered Fireball on ice and gets the nod for best conversation of the night.
   
5. Jesse – “You gonna pay my tab too?”  then he paid his tab at the bar with the blond bartender and ended it with “By the way my name is Jesse” >>Thank you Tony Siragusa for making an appearance
6. Justin – >> he left that much of an impression we don’t even remember what he said
7. Prick – “OH! OH! You wanna dance?” >> “No thank you”.  I’ve never seen a guy drink from a straw that still had the wrapper on it.

Prick ended the night…the nice bartender came by and asked if he was bothering us.  Apparently he was the trouble token for the night making his rounds.  So the next time he swung around and wouldn’t go away after I deflected his drink from being spilt on us we got ‘security’.  At least I wasn’t given the sign to get my dukes up….this is why we go out with bulky rings on J

Surviving the Big D: Lesson’s Learned

Now that you’ve ‘survived’ here’s your “Lessons Learned” – it’s not easy and it’s another painful experience to go thru but you will survive – hey hey! It will also make you a wiser, stronger person in the long run.

**Disclosure: The following is an excerpt of my experience with my ex, my friends, my family as I went through the divorce.  This does not have any reflection on your current situation.

  

Do not expect:

The ex to be civil, easy to deal with, able to get things done.  Do not expect phone calls to be answered or returned, certified letters to be received/accepted either.  Sometimes the most important things are never on their priority list.

For your divorce do not go thru a Mediator – he or she will want you both to work it out yourself, this takes longer (took me almost 2 years).  Get a good lawyer, it will all pay out in the long run and there will be less frustration on getting things done on time since you have legal assistance (and the ultimate threat of ‘going to court’).

Make sure you incorporate due dates into the Property Settlement (it took 5 years for him to refi because I neglected to add ‘due dates’…hence why you should not use a mediator, it also took a letter from a really good Lawyer to push the issue)

What to Expect:

1. Expect your family not to understand.  Expect them to offer unsolicited advice such as “Have a baby it will fix things”.  No it won’t, it would have made things a lot worse and more difficult. 
2. Expect friends to disappear and take sides.  The ones that stick around were you true friends in the long run.
3. Expect to be abandoned by your married with children friends.  You were once part of their network because you like many others were married and expecting to have children.  Now you are single and without children, they may not want to hang with you or be a part of your new life. **I do not know how it is when you have children, I can only speak from my experience. This hurts at first, but it is okay, you will again realize who your true friends are, you will also make new ones.
4. Expect to feel like an outcast for a little while.  I hid from co-workers and some friends for a very long time, I did not want them to know my business, what was going on.  You’ll feel like you’ve done something wrong and this is ok.  What you’ve done was try to make it work, it didn’t so you moved on to find your happiness.  Life is too short.
5. Expect to feel like this at holiday events – don’t worry you’ll get used to it and they’ll get over it.
6. Expect to be the poster child for a “Plan B”.  Expect your unhappily married friends to ask you ‘how did you do it?’ what process was needed, the pain, pitfalls, emotional stress, etc.  It’s okay, everyone needs support and its best to get it from those who already went through that experience. You may even get a referral to use their lawyer.
7. Expect changing your name back to be a PITA.  See what I wrote back in 2010 here.  Note to future self: if I cannot write my future next husband’s last name in one fluid motion (not breaking it up into multiple parts just to dot ‘i’s’) then I know it won’t work out.
8. Expect men from your past (who you may not have dated) to come out of the woodwork and profess their undying love for you.  Stalkers included.
9. Expect your parents, grandparents, other family members to take more time to get over it than you.  They may not understand the situation, they may ask you if the two of you still talk.  Be patient with them, they will eventually get over it and accept the new love in your life.
10. Expect to be bitter (for a while) until you seek your happiness/closure.  Question newly engaged couples, putting bets on relationships, telling ‘bachelor’ and ‘bachelorette’ parties to make sure ‘she doesn’t eat the cake’.  (Yes I still do this, I’m a true believer that eating the cake is evil)

and now that you’ve got your own place:

• Expect men from your past to come out of the woodwork now that you are single and own a place, especially those who are renting, living at home or have roommates.
• If you do not get the closure you are looking for – write him a letter.  I did, but I never sent it.

And most of all, when you are comfortable talking about it, when all the signatures are dry, due dates are met, papers are filed, tell your story to help others.  For me, its closure, its telling my side of the story to help myself, to get it off my chest, to help others who may be going thru this even if I went thru this 7 years ago.  Some would rather stay together and be miserable but life is too short to be anything but happy.

This ends my ‘Surviving the Big “D” Series’, a story of how I survived, what I experienced, learned, and am now talking about. I moved out of the apartment, bought a house (mortgage is cheaper than rent), bought the right car (I bought a 4 door pre-divorce which sooo wasn’t me), am in the best shape of my life, have my head screwed on straight and am back to doing what I love, what makes me happy and that includes spending time with my friends doing what we do best.

I hope this brings those who have gone thru a divorce and are currently going thru a divorce some comfort in knowing ‘you are not alone’, ‘you will get thru this’ and most importantly ‘you will have a happier life’.

To read the entire series visit the links on the right hand side under “Surviving the Big “D” Series”

Surviving the Big D: Dating

They say the only way to get over someone is to get involved with someone else.  Yes, okay maybe when my head is screwed on straight and I know what end is up, then ask yourself “What do I want/don’t want in a relationship this time?”  Usually the ink is dry by now or at least in the process of.  Many potential ‘dates’ do not want to get involved with you seriously (for more than just a date-date) if they think there’s a slight chance you could get back with the ex if all the T’s aren’t crossed and papers aren’t filed.  There should be no loose ends when you get back into the dating world.  You should not be dependent on the ex for anything – cut all ties and most of all you should be over him/her.  “Getting back together” at this point is not an option – no matter how much your family liked him/her.

Now I’m not against dating right away, you can venture out with your friends and meet people.  The rules haven’t changed (just technology), but they will seem foreign to you, again it’s just like riding a bike.  You did it before, you can do it again.  This time there’s the online dating universe which you really have to weed through, it’s also best to do it with a good friend as a screener.  This way if someone is really trying to scam you by posting their picture from 10 years ago and your friend happens to meet them before you at least you have a warning.  Yes that actually happened (I may have written something similar in the “Starting Fires” blog with my Shrek reference and continued into “Another Saturday Morning Cartoon”).  Dive right in, fill your calendar, practice, learn and you will find someone.  You may even find someone while you are waiting for someone else to show up at the restaurant.  You can’t think of the dating world right out of a divorce as hoping to find Mr./Mrs. Right Again right away, it’s not realistic.  It should be the furthest thing from your mind until your head is screwed on straight and you have direction in your life.  I’ve known too many people who jump right to #2, or #3 right out of a divorce, amazing how many have gotten remarried within a year or 2 of a divorce and some divorced again. I’m not saying they didn’t find Mr./Mrs. Right Again but you do need to figure things out for yourself..at least I did. 

I dove into the online dating scene after my divorce on three different sites, when one wasn’t working for me, I signed up for another one.  Dates that never got past the 2^nd date-no sparks.  Dates that didn’t last 2 months.  Dates that got weird – doesn’t matter which site you use, they are almost all the same.  You do have to kiss a lot of frogs (again) and yes they are all out there, I’m sure a few of those ‘winners’ made it on the blog at one point.  Once you’re out in the scene and things aren’t going as planned notice your dating patterns – are you still attracting the wrong guys?  Are you sending out the wrong signals? Are you wearing the wrong clothes (i.e. too conservative/too much cleavage)?  Chances are it could be you.  If you keep buying the same cereal you’ll never discover the next one on the shelf.  Learn from your mistakes, write down your requirements.  Did you have a bad divorce? What do you want now?  (You can refer back to the beginning of the ‘Surviving’ series and read the “Requirements” for hints.)  You weren’t put here on this earth to settle if it doesn’t make you happy.

Those dating stories that you bring back to your friends (single/married etc) are the ones you share over drinks and laugh about.  We all have learned from each other’s mistakes in the dating world, there are plenty of books and online blogs out there to help you too.  I’m a total advocate that if you meet Mr. M and he asks you out there’s no reason why you can’t accept a date for the next night with Mr. Y.  Right? Why not?  You are weeding through what’s out there, even if it’s online dating or getting fixed up by friends until you meet one who you only want to spend your days and nights with.  If you’ve been out there recently with single friends there are slim pickins to what you find out at a bar (at our age) so you have to find other means.  So date online, fill your calendar with every flavor possible, go to dinner, have coffee, meet people, let your friends fix you up, take notes from Steve Harvey (yes the grocery store after 8 pm does have single men food shopping on certain days of the week) - when you’re ready for Mr./Mrs. Right Again it will happen.

I can’t pinpoint the exact point when my head was screwed on straight to get back out there, but it all fell into place as it should have (after the ink was dry and the T’s finally crossed) and my heart is where it belongs. ;-) 

Surviving the Big D: The Every-days

So you’re alone, you’re by yourself in your space, whether it’s the house that you kept or an apartment, your parents house, your friends couch or somewhere else.  You have no one to answer to, no one to complain to, no complaints to hear.  Your everyday changes.  You begin to wonder what you are going to do with yourself now, you ask yourself “how do I spend all this free time?”  Use your family and friends as support, you will find out who your true friends are once you go through a traumatic experience in your life, such as a divorce.  They are the ones that stick through it with you.  Do not ask them to choose sides, it’s not their place to get involved with your personal issues, they are not paying that legal fee.  It can make things worse for everyone.  And if they do choose the opposite side, then they really weren’t your friend after all.

As you begin this new chapter in your life, think of it as ‘getting the old me back’.  I gave up a lot of things I liked to do, friends I had, clothes I wore, just to name a few and it made me miserable.  In hindsight it was for nothing.  I learned now I will not lose who I am in a relationship because it’s who I was before I got there. It’s who he fell in love with.  I will not wear baggy clothes at family events because a family member continually tells me “You’re too skinny”. I will not say “No” to friends’ bbq’s because my SO doesn’t want to go.  I will wear my clothes, I will go anyway.  I will not lose who I am and be miserable again.

But you learn this, as I had to relearn this.  I learned it takes time to heal, time to figure it all out and that time may be 6 months, it might be a year, it might be longer.  I learned to get my life in check, get ‘me back’ before I had any sense of direction.  I learned and so will you.  Again, it takes patience with yourself.  It’s a rediscovery, a do-over.  So I ask you who were you before?  Did you give up what made you happy only in the end to discover it made you miserable?  What makes you happy?

I started writing again, in different forms. I do occasionally still write poetry, I’ve written a few spoken word pieces and now my main focus is blogs (short snippets of my life, some true, some highly exaggerated).  Thank you Carrie Bradshaw!  I dove into exercise, not that I needed it but I found other interests such as running and cycling (thanks to having a Schwinn in my teens) to fill up all that extra time. I’m secretly waiting for the roller skating itch to return…shhh.  You will find that filling up your days with doing the things you love, what makes you happy, what you enjoy doing will be rewarding.  You will find new friends, reconnect with old ones, discover new hobbies.  Remember that bucket list?  Here’s your chance to start to cross some things off. 

It was difficult for me, having all this time to myself, filing my weekends with the big question “hmm what can I do today?” Everything and anything is possible.  Having friends and family to support you makes all the difference in getting through the every-days.

Just another installment in 'Surviving the Big D'

I’m Still the Same Person (I just live in a different state)

My commute to and from work has given me a ton to think about. Not that its odd for me to be thinking while driving, since thinking always occurs anyway and the topics usually change.  But this topic…hmmmm..how can I say or not say it exactly.  So while I do not choose to offend anyone I’m sure I will anyway, but it’s the truth, and I’m willing to accept it if you are. 

                I’m the first to admit I’m bad at calling people back – yes actually calling people back.  I find that time is never enough and I don’t like to talk while driving either, since 90% of this summer I drove with the windows down.  (Yes I like the fresh hot humid air thank you.)  I can’t talk at work either, everyone can hear everyone else's conversations since the renovation and its horrible.  I could call at 12, or 12:30, or 1 pm.  I’m not sure how that would work either, depending on who I'm calling.  I’m not that bad at responding to emails or messages (I think).  I am not on FB 24/7 like some of you are, connected to the world 24/7 with the latest smart phone gadget ( I don’t want to be that accessible and exploit my life).  My real friends know how to get in touch with me and know what I’m up to.  I can’t access FB at work (not that I would choose to anyway) and I’m not about to run home, log on and see a repeat of what people post everyday.  I don’t care if you took little Johnny to the park (again).  I really don’t, and I wouldn’t dare post where I’m at on a Friday night in hopes that all 200+ friends of mine might see it to come join me.  Heck no!  It’s a virtual friendship network and any true friend, again, I’m repeating here, really knows how to get me. 

                While I’m apologizing, I’ll tread on this plank that I’ve never tread on before (in the virtual world).  I’ve lost friends, a ton of friends over the years.  Most of which dump me because I don’t have any kids, I’m looked at differently because I’m divorced, no kids.  Yeah and?  I’m still the same person as I was before, what’s the difference?  I admit over the years even when I was married I turned down bar-be-que and party invites for stupid reasons, partly because the ex worked a lot, the drive there, and because we might have had other plans.  I would have went alone, in fact I should have.  I regret that now, but even if I don’t make your party and I try to meet up with you over the years, at least get back to me (answer an email, a voicemail) and set a date.  I’m sorry I don’t have kids, that going to ‘bring your own kid’ parties are frustrating because I can’t fit in with the ‘mommy’ conversations.  What would I say anyway “Hi, I’m single, dating and I’m having a great time.”

                I’m an hour away from my friends or my friends that choose to disown me, I was always a distance from them no matter where I’ve lived.  But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t meet up halfway somewhere.  Hey, we’re all busy, technology makes us busy (if we let it), and so busy that we spend 2 minutes uploading a photo to FB when those 2 minutes could have been spent trying to make plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while.