Surviving the Big D: Dating

They say the only way to get over someone is to get involved with someone else.  Yes, okay maybe when my head is screwed on straight and I know what end is up, then ask yourself “What do I want/don’t want in a relationship this time?”  Usually the ink is dry by now or at least in the process of.  Many potential ‘dates’ do not want to get involved with you seriously (for more than just a date-date) if they think there’s a slight chance you could get back with the ex if all the T’s aren’t crossed and papers aren’t filed.  There should be no loose ends when you get back into the dating world.  You should not be dependent on the ex for anything – cut all ties and most of all you should be over him/her.  “Getting back together” at this point is not an option – no matter how much your family liked him/her.

Now I’m not against dating right away, you can venture out with your friends and meet people.  The rules haven’t changed (just technology), but they will seem foreign to you, again it’s just like riding a bike.  You did it before, you can do it again.  This time there’s the online dating universe which you really have to weed through, it’s also best to do it with a good friend as a screener.  This way if someone is really trying to scam you by posting their picture from 10 years ago and your friend happens to meet them before you at least you have a warning.  Yes that actually happened (I may have written something similar in the “Starting Fires” blog with my Shrek reference and continued into “Another Saturday Morning Cartoon”).  Dive right in, fill your calendar, practice, learn and you will find someone.  You may even find someone while you are waiting for someone else to show up at the restaurant.  You can’t think of the dating world right out of a divorce as hoping to find Mr./Mrs. Right Again right away, it’s not realistic.  It should be the furthest thing from your mind until your head is screwed on straight and you have direction in your life.  I’ve known too many people who jump right to #2, or #3 right out of a divorce, amazing how many have gotten remarried within a year or 2 of a divorce and some divorced again. I’m not saying they didn’t find Mr./Mrs. Right Again but you do need to figure things out for yourself..at least I did. 

I dove into the online dating scene after my divorce on three different sites, when one wasn’t working for me, I signed up for another one.  Dates that never got past the 2^nd date-no sparks.  Dates that didn’t last 2 months.  Dates that got weird – doesn’t matter which site you use, they are almost all the same.  You do have to kiss a lot of frogs (again) and yes they are all out there, I’m sure a few of those ‘winners’ made it on the blog at one point.  Once you’re out in the scene and things aren’t going as planned notice your dating patterns – are you still attracting the wrong guys?  Are you sending out the wrong signals? Are you wearing the wrong clothes (i.e. too conservative/too much cleavage)?  Chances are it could be you.  If you keep buying the same cereal you’ll never discover the next one on the shelf.  Learn from your mistakes, write down your requirements.  Did you have a bad divorce? What do you want now?  (You can refer back to the beginning of the ‘Surviving’ series and read the “Requirements” for hints.)  You weren’t put here on this earth to settle if it doesn’t make you happy.

Those dating stories that you bring back to your friends (single/married etc) are the ones you share over drinks and laugh about.  We all have learned from each other’s mistakes in the dating world, there are plenty of books and online blogs out there to help you too.  I’m a total advocate that if you meet Mr. M and he asks you out there’s no reason why you can’t accept a date for the next night with Mr. Y.  Right? Why not?  You are weeding through what’s out there, even if it’s online dating or getting fixed up by friends until you meet one who you only want to spend your days and nights with.  If you’ve been out there recently with single friends there are slim pickins to what you find out at a bar (at our age) so you have to find other means.  So date online, fill your calendar with every flavor possible, go to dinner, have coffee, meet people, let your friends fix you up, take notes from Steve Harvey (yes the grocery store after 8 pm does have single men food shopping on certain days of the week) - when you’re ready for Mr./Mrs. Right Again it will happen.

I can’t pinpoint the exact point when my head was screwed on straight to get back out there, but it all fell into place as it should have (after the ink was dry and the T’s finally crossed) and my heart is where it belongs. ;-) 

Surviving the Big D: The Holidays

The holidays are a stressful time for anyone and everyone (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas are the big top 3).  You go thru the following questions every holiday: “Who do we see first, who gets shafted for dinner or dessert, who gets left out this year?  Why don’t we host so we’re not running around like crazy?”  Now that you are on your own your holidays change and for me it was for the better. I didn’t have to deal with the stress of answering those questions anymore.  I went where I wanted to (or just stayed home), stayed as long as I wanted to stay (not to satisfy the hosts), there was no more juggling, no more stressful holidays when those dates came along on the calendar.  I had spent most of my driving life (with and without being in relationships choosing where to spend my holidays because my parents were divorced) so this was a relief.

One thing to keep in mind, whether you are separated/divorced/single you will be the topic of conversation to family members who haven’t seen you in a while.  It’s best to let them speak their mind as you nod and smile to comprehend, they do not need to know all the details of the separation/agreement as to spread that information across the soup can telephone lines to the rest of the family.  If you are uncomfortable then just politely say “Please respect my privacy as I wish to not speak about this at this time.”  I can’t quite put a finger on when the whispers stopped for me as I had other things to contend with the details of the agreement.  I know after five years certain family members refrained from asking if we still talk because my response had been nothing but ‘no’ or “I’m waiting for him to refi”.  Not something I wanted to discuss at the family dinner table while passing the vegetables.

  

Since my divorce, I’ve hosted Thanksgiving, which was not stressful at all thanks to Mom’s stuffing. I love hosting events, if you’re late we don’t wait to eat, too bad.  We drink, we have no filter at the table which makes the traditional family dinners not so traditional to some.  The adults man the television which means football is on at all times  – except maybe during dinner when there’s dinner music on.  Just like it was when I was little, I had no say over what was on the TV after dinner at Grandpa’s, the Uncle’s had football on.  The next day, Black Friday I’m up and shopping, a new tradition that was started over the last few years with my Mom and my sister when the three of us are together.  Thanksgiving, like Easter is one day a year, you don’t need to spread it over an entire weekend - especially if you just saw those people the previous weekend for dinner or a birthday. I’ve always wanted to celebrate it with friends, perhaps one of these years.

I actually look forward to Christmas morning on my own terms now instead of the dread of waking up and having to be at someone else’s house at zero-dark-thirty watching their kids open their gifts while mine sat under the tree at home.  I no longer have to deal with the brilliant idea of rotating the holidays and then having to face disappointment when the SOs family doesn’t ‘get it’ or understand that you have family too.  (Ah I got that out again, yes I’m still a little bitter from my previous life, but the last few years of doing it all my way have been way more enjoyable, this is the last time you’ll hear me mention that I promise!) 

Now I wake up on Christmas without an alarm (even if I’m out on Christmas Eve), visit family on my schedule and theirs.  Christmas is one day to spend with those you love how you want to, not what is expected of you.  Others’ will just have to deal or for a better term, concede to the other, especially when most of us have to work the next day. My Christmas’ since the divorce have been most memorable.

One thing I almost forgot which is a huge factor in deciding who to keep or toss from your friends list -  when the Christmas cards come rolling in family and friends may not remember you’ve changed your name back, they may not know about your divorce.  It’s best to get your cards out first this way you won’t be angry if they address your envelope with “Mr. & Mrs.” Or “Mrs. (insert married name here)”.  Saves you the frustration of having to write off your friends and family based on their lack of paying attention to minor details. 

Then there’s Easter…Easter for me is always just another Sunday dinner and reminiscing about our matching Easter outfits as children.  We no longer color eggs, but we hold the traditional baking of multiple recipes of Babka from Grandma. I still don’t think we actually have the entire recipe – she must have left something out on purpose.  Overall unless they’re questioning you at the dinner table again, Easter isn’t a big deal since its only a few hours and there aren’t any gifts being exchanged.

Being married and then divorced and single, having to split holidays between two-three families even prior to all of those events gives one a different perspective even though I do not have children.  We share the holidays with those we love, we should not have to experience subconscious guilt because we choose to spend the holidays with someone else’s family or friends.  Yes we’re not getting any younger and our families are getting older but in hindsight we should not have to feel that we’re doing something wrong if we chose the latter.  Society places such high regard on expectations of everyone that we spend most of our holidays stressing about them instead of enjoying them.  We spend too much time worrying about what other people think and hurting someone’s feelings.

  

And lastly….after dealing with the ‘rotating’ and traveling from house to house do not feel pressured to show up with a date to your families holiday dinner.  Do not by all means succumb to the pressure.  I for one do not want to schlep my new SO around when he could be spending time with his family.  It would be entirely different if I was engaged or married again, however while you are single you stick to your family and him to his.  It’s so much easier on both of you that way, there’s no stress or fighting.  Forget what your family might think it’s not their life, and you’ve already ‘been there done that’ and probably didn’t enjoy it.  I’m not saying write it off entirely, if there is an opportunity to share a holiday then great, otherwise there should be no pressure to rsvp to dinner with a +1.  You can always go to dinner another time.  Because the minute you show up with a date the new whispers start of ‘how serious is this one?’, ‘oh do you think he’ll/she’ll get married again?’ will come along, and if he or she doesn’t show up with you for the next holiday,  god help you because society wants us all to be attached at the hip and now you’re not so something is wrong in their eyes and they break out the soup cans to start the telephone line.  The vicious cycle begins, so its best to just do your own thing until you’re absolutely ready to bring someone to the holiday dinner table.

So this year I ask you to spend the holidays as you want to, without the stress, the unwanted expectations from outsiders.  If they do not understand then its their problem, do it your way and you will enjoy the holidays.

**I didn’t include July 4^th, New Years, Memorial Day as those are holidays that don’t particularly count as ‘shared’ events, more for spending time with friends.

No Plan? No Second Chance

Ladies, ladies, ladies, my single ladies, my newly single ladies, my newly back in the game again ladies what are you doing? I too was one back in the game and had to re-learn the new or old rules, which pretty much remained the same except texting replaced a pager.  But I did not faulter, lean or hand out second chances to anyone undeserving. 

Normally I do not write about my friends experiences however I thought this deserved a spot.  Recently one of my Angels met this guy at a fine restaurant at a work happy hour, they exchanged numbers, talked for what seemed to be an eternity then she hoped he’d contact her for a potential date.  He contacted her to talk, via text and somewhere along the conversation he got short with her and said ‘whatever’ to something they were talking about.  It seemed he did not get the joke, that whatever was in the exchange he took personally.  He never responded for 4 days.  Rule number one, when first meeting a guy and texting for the first time do not have marathon texting sessions. I won’t tell you the main reason why because then it would be giving away more of our secrets,  other than the obvious where one of you misunderstands something in the conversation.  After  4 days he finally texts her and they chat and he asks her out for Saturday night, he said “We’ll go to dinner then dancing”.   I was leary for her to do this since he was AWOL for 4 days and now I guess he’s free Saturday, all comments and misunderstandings aside.  Plus, we had a side conversation that perhaps this guy was accustomed to having his way so he misinterpreted what she said.  Any guy that takes what you say personally has issues and those issues can never be fixed. 

So she’s all excited, she texts me what she’s wearing, needed some advice on what shoes to wear, purse, etc.  (this is what us gals do).  I tell her to be careful and have fun, something was still off about this one, even if I never met him.

The next morning I get a ‘that f-in sucked’ text from her.  I listen, I ask minimal questions and then she says, ‘he’s got one more chance’.  Um – hell no!  This guy asked her out, he said he would take her out for ’ dinner and dancing’ so he should have had plans for the evening.  Apparently there was no plan, no set dinner reservations, no ‘dancing’ venue he planned ahead to go to.  Nothing.  Where did they end up? Houlihans!  This is a 40 year old man, who asked my friend out.  If a guy asks a woman out he better have a plan for the evening.  Men do not get do-overs for not having a ‘plan’ on a first date.  She gave him her number because there was something there, so he needs to impress her with a plan for the evening.  If roles were reversed and she asked him out she would have had a plan for the evening.

Life is too short to deal with this nonsense – Men who have plans are sexy especially on a first impression.  It’s down the road where you can wing it and negotiate plans, but most definitely not on a first date.  You got our number, now impress us.

Of course I told her nicely that he does not get a second chance for being incompetent.  He had all those days he didn’t talk to her, plus the time he set up the date to before the date to make plans.   Sorry buck-o, she tossed you back into the loser pool to move on to something better.

**Last  night I was witness to a similar situation, my friend’s friend just happened to be meeting a guy for a first date at this restaurant we were at.  She walked over and said hi to us and explained the situation.  While we were talking her date texts her and said he’d be there at 8:30 pm, it was 7:45, they had planned to meet at 8.  She told him she’d have a drink and if he wasn’t there by then she was going to leave.  8:30 rolls around and we’re waiting with her and he texts her ‘Closer to 9’, she oh so nicely replied, ‘I’m leaving’.  I’m not sure what happened after we all left the restaurant, if he even contacted her to reschedule (again, apparently this was the 2^nd reschedule). I implied that he never left in the first place.   You set plans for 8 pm, don’t expect us to wait for you either.  NEXT!

Surviving the Big D: The Requirements

I’ve posted the ‘Requirements’ a few years ago and here is how I got to that point.  In no particular order of how you want do get back your sanity, write a list of everything you want in your next relationship, or as I’ve called it “Requirements”. These “Requirements” should be a list of what you are looking for in a relationship, from your potential significant other including situations you do not want to happen in your next relationship.  For example my ex-MIL forgot about the doorbell and calling first before stopping by and my ex never-ever confronted her about it.  Yeah that won’t happen again. 

As you meet people out with friends, dating, you’ll find this as a guide, not necessarily as a list to live by, more as a guide to keep you in line from making those same mistakes again.  My first requirement was ‘Can you boil water?’ in others words, ‘can you cook?’  It’s one of those ice breaker questions you can bring up just meeting someone and they won’t know exactly where you’re going with it (even if it is a bit sarcastic).  You may add other ‘requirements’ as you go along and set up your own rating system.  Not every person you meet has to meet all the requirements, although having a form to easily carry in your purse to hand out to prospects had crossed my mind at one point.  I’ve encouraged my single friends, including those still in the dating pool to make their own list.  There’s always something that happens in relationships we were in that we promise ourselves we won’t deal with again, well..write it down! 

 I no longer abide by my list of “Requirements”, yet it is a great frame for the future and makes a great conversation Q&A to jerks you meet along the way in your newly single life.  Share it with your friends, ask your friends to add to it.  It’s therapeutic as well when you get together with friends and laugh about it and never gets old.  I wonder why I didn’t have this in the first place?

Samples of the ‘Requirements” 

• Must know how to cook – at least boil water and make mac and cheese
• Must knowhow to do laundry – there is a big difference between whites and darks
• Must have manners – meaning..open A door for me, whether it be the car door or any door. Opening 1 door that night is a big brownie point winner.
• If he has a pet, make sure he spends quality time with the pet, otherwise I may find myself locked in the basement when he wants to be alone

Requirement #2: Must Do Own Laundry

After a much needed girls luncheon, chat and a ‘don’t eat the cake’ lesson passed on to a future bride to be, I couldn’t resist writing about olden times.  Not golden years, but there’s something so funny about the people you date along the way that change your point of view on things. In fact, after a few dates with this particular person I added a few more items to the Requirements.  As always, my disclosure - this happened soon after my divorce, when I was in the infamous dating pool of on-liners, those you meet through friends, at parties and just out. 

To start, yes I do have a nickname for this one, unfortunately sharing it with the virtual world would give his identity away.  Perhaps his ideals have changed, so I wouldn’t want to tarnish his reputation should he in fact still be reading my blogs.  I met him out with a group of friends.  We went out a few times, dinner, movies, typical dating mantra, nothing over the top spectacular, mind-blowing, making me want to share stories with my girlfriends.  He had his quirks, he was nice, always treated me with respect, held the door open, call when he said he’d call. I don’t quite remember when it got weird, weird and weirder as in ‘would you wear a crotchless full bodysuit’ weird, weird as in would rather chat on AOL than actually see me weird.  Here’s how that led to the final deal breaker- he was in his mid 30’s, he lived with a roommate, had a decent job with benefits and still brought his laundry to his mother’s house for her to do, because he didn’t have the heart to tell her that he was a grown man and that she needed to let him be one.  At least that’s what he told me, he couldn't tell her to not do it anymore.  B-S!  I immediately knew this wasn’t going to work.  If a man can’t tell his Mother, his family, his friends or anyone else for that matter to respect his life, where he’s at in life, to give him some space, there’s a problem.  It will never change, they will never change unless you step up and set boundaries.

Anyway, so between the bodysuit request, Mom folding his tighty-whities and then following it up with needing to be on AOL I was done.  I definitely didn’t want a relationship with a guy who would rather use me as an erotic muse online than to physically want to be with me in person.  Granted, he had the best of both worlds, his Mom does the laundry, the girl satisfies his needs which leads to he doesn’t have to see her, he has more free time to sleep, etc.  What more could he ask for?  He’s not as weird as the Elvis poster guy, but with all that free time, you’d think he would have spent more valuable time at the gym instead of talking about it.

I’m Still the Same Person (I just live in a different state)

My commute to and from work has given me a ton to think about. Not that its odd for me to be thinking while driving, since thinking always occurs anyway and the topics usually change.  But this topic…hmmmm..how can I say or not say it exactly.  So while I do not choose to offend anyone I’m sure I will anyway, but it’s the truth, and I’m willing to accept it if you are. 

                I’m the first to admit I’m bad at calling people back – yes actually calling people back.  I find that time is never enough and I don’t like to talk while driving either, since 90% of this summer I drove with the windows down.  (Yes I like the fresh hot humid air thank you.)  I can’t talk at work either, everyone can hear everyone else's conversations since the renovation and its horrible.  I could call at 12, or 12:30, or 1 pm.  I’m not sure how that would work either, depending on who I'm calling.  I’m not that bad at responding to emails or messages (I think).  I am not on FB 24/7 like some of you are, connected to the world 24/7 with the latest smart phone gadget ( I don’t want to be that accessible and exploit my life).  My real friends know how to get in touch with me and know what I’m up to.  I can’t access FB at work (not that I would choose to anyway) and I’m not about to run home, log on and see a repeat of what people post everyday.  I don’t care if you took little Johnny to the park (again).  I really don’t, and I wouldn’t dare post where I’m at on a Friday night in hopes that all 200+ friends of mine might see it to come join me.  Heck no!  It’s a virtual friendship network and any true friend, again, I’m repeating here, really knows how to get me. 

                While I’m apologizing, I’ll tread on this plank that I’ve never tread on before (in the virtual world).  I’ve lost friends, a ton of friends over the years.  Most of which dump me because I don’t have any kids, I’m looked at differently because I’m divorced, no kids.  Yeah and?  I’m still the same person as I was before, what’s the difference?  I admit over the years even when I was married I turned down bar-be-que and party invites for stupid reasons, partly because the ex worked a lot, the drive there, and because we might have had other plans.  I would have went alone, in fact I should have.  I regret that now, but even if I don’t make your party and I try to meet up with you over the years, at least get back to me (answer an email, a voicemail) and set a date.  I’m sorry I don’t have kids, that going to ‘bring your own kid’ parties are frustrating because I can’t fit in with the ‘mommy’ conversations.  What would I say anyway “Hi, I’m single, dating and I’m having a great time.”

                I’m an hour away from my friends or my friends that choose to disown me, I was always a distance from them no matter where I’ve lived.  But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t meet up halfway somewhere.  Hey, we’re all busy, technology makes us busy (if we let it), and so busy that we spend 2 minutes uploading a photo to FB when those 2 minutes could have been spent trying to make plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while.