Random Texts from the Ex

I’ve heard people talk about receiving the ‘random text’ from an ex, or even someone you went on a date with once or twice and never heard from again.  I’ve also received random texts from the guy I went on a date once, who only text me on holidays at closing time at the bar. (I haven’t gotten one of those since I moved.)   I do think it’s amusing when you receive a random text, I mean completely random, not sent on a date with symbolic or historical meaning from the person in that past relationship.  Not sent because you were two freight ships passing by and looking the other way, not sent because he’s Facebook stalking me (I assume).  Completely random on a Friday night, without any meaning to me at least, not having spoken to each other in about 3 + years – just random.  So I will use this opportunity to tell you, my readers exactly what happened. J

I had just finished playing a co-ed softball game on Friday night, walking back to my car my phone text message alert goes off, I think it’s my boyfriend but no…it’s my ex-husband.  Out of the blue, completely random he sends me a text.  At first it made no sense to me since we haven’t spoken in 3+ years AND it wasn’t a symbolic or historic date in our past relationship.  Obviously something must have triggered a memory or triggered me to his memory, but something prompted him to send me a random text.  Seems even after all these years he still has no idea what the true reason for our divorce was or stemmed from.  I wasn’t about to respond back with the list of the series of events that led us down that path to remind him.  I wasn’t about to start hashing out the past.  It’s the past, I’ve moved on and he should too.

I can’t say I’ve ever written this way before about what happened to that relationship, other than I wasn’t number 1 as every wife thinks they will be once they put a ring on it.  I can’t say I’ve ever felt so angry before either, how this text made me so mad, mad at the fact that he hasn’t moved on and that he consumed a portion of my Friday night.  Then I laughed, I laughed pretty hard actually.  So I write, because now I feel better knowing that at least in the virtual world I have closure to what the dry ink says on paper.  A chunk of my life is gone, it’s in the past, it had its great times and it had its ending.  Knowing that in my current life, my happiness is what matters, my life is complete now and I’ve moved on and have grown up from the random texts (but they still make pretty good stories).

Surviving the Big D: Wedding Photos

13 years later I’m going thru my wedding photos.  I’ve been divorced 8 years, I don’t need all of these.  I paid for a crazy amount of photos, photos I thought would mean something, photos to look back on.  Well those are in the wedding album I had made, that I never got back from the ex.  Thankfully the photographer gave us 2 sets of proofs, plus now I have the negatives. 

 

I’ve had all of these albums plus the video (VHS) I never wanted done in the first place in a box, taking up space in my storage area.  It was time to go thru them.   In sorting thru all of the photos I began to realize how angry they make me.  Not because I got divorced and all those painful memories are coming back, but because of things that happened, or things missing from the albums.  I’ll start with things that happened.  First off, if children are part of the wedding, the mother should speak to the bride to be sure about what attire to put them in.  I was left out of that conversation.  My ex-SIL decided to go buy a dress for her daughter, and not consult me.  Secondly, children should not be at the reception.   These pictures reminded me of how angry I was to continually get interrupted on the dancefloor. I’m sorry, but that was my day, they should have been in bed.  I love my niece and nephew like crazy and would be happy to pay for a sitter.  Thirdly, my parents are divorced, my mom remarried, I have three families.  These albums show 2 ½ families.  I’m missing a whole side of the banquet hall with that side of the family and friends.  I know they were there but key photos that could have been taken on that day would have meaning now.  Especially now that my father has passed away.  I have enough photos to remind me of that day with him, but being the organized, detail oriented person that I am, I think I had pretty good instructions for the photographer.  I am grateful for my friends that day who shared with me their photos, a lot of them are better than what I paid for.

 

Other things that set me back 10 years of flooding emotions, my bridesmaid pictures, at least I have one good one of just us, and not with the children.  My sister and her new boyfriend at the time, where are they?  Had it not been for a good friend of mine at the time, I would have never seen the video recorder tripod set up in the corner, which I did not want.  Yes I watched the tape once, in fast forward it is hysterical, and you actually see her telling me about it and pointing to the set up.  I didn’t want to cut the cake, but somehow they wrangled me into it.  A lot of things that went on that day even though it came out of our pockets, it still had some influence from one side of the families.  All of that will not be repeated if I ever decide to do this again.  It’s the couples’ day, not everyone else’s.

 
I’m going thru the 2^nd book of proofs now, and I’m still angry.  I’m mostly angry on how much we paid for all this, how many photos show me with a ‘fake’ smile.  Which I now have seen for myself in many photos that were taken.  It was a reaction to the amount of photos being taken and the fact that I had to be a bride and be an organizer at the same time rallying everyone to the main picture taking area.  What a PITA.  What was I paying people for?  Anyway, the garbage men are going to get an eye full if they even look at my recycling pile.  I have no idea who that girl is in the white dress anymore, she is long gone in a life far far away.  The memories I have with my family that day cannot be repeated in photos, they are snapshots in time for only me.  Photos that could have been taken.  So I write this as closure to tossing out the past yet again and knowing the next time, if there is one, this anger will not exist because I know better.  

Surviving the Big D: My Photo Albums

Yes this deserves a mention, because had I known I would have taken them with me.  In the midst of the separation, his parents moved into the Dream House while their new retirement residence was being built, and also sometime that year or the year after (since it took over a year to finally get divorced) he was storing his friends things at the Dream House.  Somehow my photoalbums went missing.  Years of my childhood, pictures of friends at the beach, softball, pool parties at my house in Carteret, parties at the apartment in Edison, my head in the trash can after a New Years Eve party, pictures of my sister and I at Halloween, how my mom dressed us in similar outfits at the holidays, pictures of my Great Aunts and Uncle Mickey, my Grandmothers and my Grandfathers left behind and now are missing.  Some of the last pictures taken with my father before he passed away are somewhere in that Dream House, especially a picture of him that I recall from my wedding where he just looked so GQ, my Dad all dressed up in a tux.  They are albums in a brown box, probably with the word ‘PHOTOS’ on all four sides somewhere in that house unless he tossed them or his parents took them with them OR his friend accidentally moved it out with his things.

 

I’m still angry, I still don’t know why someone would want to hold onto my photos, photos from before his time.  Photos that he wasn’t apart of.  Photos that mean something to me.  I’ve stopped calling and texting for them back, at the time the refinance was more important (even that took 5 years after the D), but now I’m still angry, I think I always will be angry. 

I’m angry that I lost part of time in photos, that I can never show my niece and nephew pictures of their Grandfather, their Great Grandmother and Great Great Aunts and Uncle.  I can’t show them what it was like back then, I can only tell stories of the past.  I’m angry that they were never returned to me.

Yet I learn now that when I leave a relationship even if its for a temporary ‘break’ take everything with me, leave nothing behind because the person you once trusted for all those years is mostlikely not trusting with your things. 

 

Surviving the Big D: Letting Go of the Dream House

There are some things I will never forget about my first house, my ‘dream house’ (at the time).  It was 5 bedrooms, 2 ½ baths, in ground pool, garage, privacy, deck off the kitchen.  I never thought I could afford a place like that, and even still as difficult as it was to negotiate the purchase, it was just as easy to walk away from it during the separation and then the divorce.  The house was just an item, it didn’t have sentimental value other than my negotiating skills hard at work but some memories still linger of a place I only spent a few short months in.

• Never use the sellers agent as your own – they can’t help you negotiate or give you an idea of a ‘best and final’ ball park figure.
• The day of the walk thru (which is usually the day or night before the closing), a bird crapped on my shoe, I figured it was a sign that my dad approved.
• On the day we got the keys, my now ex-MIL was waiting in the driveway (and we hadn’t even used the keys yet) Not Cool!
• I moved us in, met with Pest Control to get rid of any present and future insects (as much as my phobia of spiders and bees I did this from the driveway while the guy took care of business)
• Although the gesture was very thoughtful, people should ask the homeowner what if anything they need first before they buy or offer to buy outdoor patio furniture (don’t just show up with one that’s not even their taste with a “Surprise, we got you a patio set from Shop Rite”)
• On the day of the first family bbq…my ex inlaws were giving tours of the house as if it was their own (sorry you don’t pay the bills you will not give the tour)
• I held my first family Christmas from all sides (trying to bring back childhood memories when both sides of the family met at one house – no toting us around door to door).  This does not include Christmas morning because that too was at someone else’s house (which I promised I wouldn’t bitch about anymore in a few past postings) J
• I’ll always pay extra when replacing the windows to make sure the contractor also completes it with trim and painting the trim.
• I will not miss finding frogs from the creek behind the house in the pool filter
• The round trip commute from Rt.80 to 206N was a bitch - my commute now is 10x better.

Where I live now I think I’ve stayed the longest in (not including my childhood), and I’ve unpacked all the boxes. There isn’t a ‘staging’ area like I once had in one of the spare guest rooms in my ‘dream house’.  I guess that was another sign it wasn’t my ‘dream house’ after all.

Surviving the Big D: Lesson’s Learned

Now that you’ve ‘survived’ here’s your “Lessons Learned” – it’s not easy and it’s another painful experience to go thru but you will survive – hey hey! It will also make you a wiser, stronger person in the long run.

**Disclosure: The following is an excerpt of my experience with my ex, my friends, my family as I went through the divorce.  This does not have any reflection on your current situation.

  

Do not expect:

The ex to be civil, easy to deal with, able to get things done.  Do not expect phone calls to be answered or returned, certified letters to be received/accepted either.  Sometimes the most important things are never on their priority list.

For your divorce do not go thru a Mediator – he or she will want you both to work it out yourself, this takes longer (took me almost 2 years).  Get a good lawyer, it will all pay out in the long run and there will be less frustration on getting things done on time since you have legal assistance (and the ultimate threat of ‘going to court’).

Make sure you incorporate due dates into the Property Settlement (it took 5 years for him to refi because I neglected to add ‘due dates’…hence why you should not use a mediator, it also took a letter from a really good Lawyer to push the issue)

What to Expect:

1. Expect your family not to understand.  Expect them to offer unsolicited advice such as “Have a baby it will fix things”.  No it won’t, it would have made things a lot worse and more difficult. 
2. Expect friends to disappear and take sides.  The ones that stick around were you true friends in the long run.
3. Expect to be abandoned by your married with children friends.  You were once part of their network because you like many others were married and expecting to have children.  Now you are single and without children, they may not want to hang with you or be a part of your new life. **I do not know how it is when you have children, I can only speak from my experience. This hurts at first, but it is okay, you will again realize who your true friends are, you will also make new ones.
4. Expect to feel like an outcast for a little while.  I hid from co-workers and some friends for a very long time, I did not want them to know my business, what was going on.  You’ll feel like you’ve done something wrong and this is ok.  What you’ve done was try to make it work, it didn’t so you moved on to find your happiness.  Life is too short.
5. Expect to feel like this at holiday events – don’t worry you’ll get used to it and they’ll get over it.
6. Expect to be the poster child for a “Plan B”.  Expect your unhappily married friends to ask you ‘how did you do it?’ what process was needed, the pain, pitfalls, emotional stress, etc.  It’s okay, everyone needs support and its best to get it from those who already went through that experience. You may even get a referral to use their lawyer.
7. Expect changing your name back to be a PITA.  See what I wrote back in 2010 here.  Note to future self: if I cannot write my future next husband’s last name in one fluid motion (not breaking it up into multiple parts just to dot ‘i’s’) then I know it won’t work out.
8. Expect men from your past (who you may not have dated) to come out of the woodwork and profess their undying love for you.  Stalkers included.
9. Expect your parents, grandparents, other family members to take more time to get over it than you.  They may not understand the situation, they may ask you if the two of you still talk.  Be patient with them, they will eventually get over it and accept the new love in your life.
10. Expect to be bitter (for a while) until you seek your happiness/closure.  Question newly engaged couples, putting bets on relationships, telling ‘bachelor’ and ‘bachelorette’ parties to make sure ‘she doesn’t eat the cake’.  (Yes I still do this, I’m a true believer that eating the cake is evil)

and now that you’ve got your own place:

• Expect men from your past to come out of the woodwork now that you are single and own a place, especially those who are renting, living at home or have roommates.
• If you do not get the closure you are looking for – write him a letter.  I did, but I never sent it.

And most of all, when you are comfortable talking about it, when all the signatures are dry, due dates are met, papers are filed, tell your story to help others.  For me, its closure, its telling my side of the story to help myself, to get it off my chest, to help others who may be going thru this even if I went thru this 7 years ago.  Some would rather stay together and be miserable but life is too short to be anything but happy.

This ends my ‘Surviving the Big “D” Series’, a story of how I survived, what I experienced, learned, and am now talking about. I moved out of the apartment, bought a house (mortgage is cheaper than rent), bought the right car (I bought a 4 door pre-divorce which sooo wasn’t me), am in the best shape of my life, have my head screwed on straight and am back to doing what I love, what makes me happy and that includes spending time with my friends doing what we do best.

I hope this brings those who have gone thru a divorce and are currently going thru a divorce some comfort in knowing ‘you are not alone’, ‘you will get thru this’ and most importantly ‘you will have a happier life’.

To read the entire series visit the links on the right hand side under “Surviving the Big “D” Series”

Surviving the Big D: Dating

They say the only way to get over someone is to get involved with someone else.  Yes, okay maybe when my head is screwed on straight and I know what end is up, then ask yourself “What do I want/don’t want in a relationship this time?”  Usually the ink is dry by now or at least in the process of.  Many potential ‘dates’ do not want to get involved with you seriously (for more than just a date-date) if they think there’s a slight chance you could get back with the ex if all the T’s aren’t crossed and papers aren’t filed.  There should be no loose ends when you get back into the dating world.  You should not be dependent on the ex for anything – cut all ties and most of all you should be over him/her.  “Getting back together” at this point is not an option – no matter how much your family liked him/her.

Now I’m not against dating right away, you can venture out with your friends and meet people.  The rules haven’t changed (just technology), but they will seem foreign to you, again it’s just like riding a bike.  You did it before, you can do it again.  This time there’s the online dating universe which you really have to weed through, it’s also best to do it with a good friend as a screener.  This way if someone is really trying to scam you by posting their picture from 10 years ago and your friend happens to meet them before you at least you have a warning.  Yes that actually happened (I may have written something similar in the “Starting Fires” blog with my Shrek reference and continued into “Another Saturday Morning Cartoon”).  Dive right in, fill your calendar, practice, learn and you will find someone.  You may even find someone while you are waiting for someone else to show up at the restaurant.  You can’t think of the dating world right out of a divorce as hoping to find Mr./Mrs. Right Again right away, it’s not realistic.  It should be the furthest thing from your mind until your head is screwed on straight and you have direction in your life.  I’ve known too many people who jump right to #2, or #3 right out of a divorce, amazing how many have gotten remarried within a year or 2 of a divorce and some divorced again. I’m not saying they didn’t find Mr./Mrs. Right Again but you do need to figure things out for yourself..at least I did. 

I dove into the online dating scene after my divorce on three different sites, when one wasn’t working for me, I signed up for another one.  Dates that never got past the 2^nd date-no sparks.  Dates that didn’t last 2 months.  Dates that got weird – doesn’t matter which site you use, they are almost all the same.  You do have to kiss a lot of frogs (again) and yes they are all out there, I’m sure a few of those ‘winners’ made it on the blog at one point.  Once you’re out in the scene and things aren’t going as planned notice your dating patterns – are you still attracting the wrong guys?  Are you sending out the wrong signals? Are you wearing the wrong clothes (i.e. too conservative/too much cleavage)?  Chances are it could be you.  If you keep buying the same cereal you’ll never discover the next one on the shelf.  Learn from your mistakes, write down your requirements.  Did you have a bad divorce? What do you want now?  (You can refer back to the beginning of the ‘Surviving’ series and read the “Requirements” for hints.)  You weren’t put here on this earth to settle if it doesn’t make you happy.

Those dating stories that you bring back to your friends (single/married etc) are the ones you share over drinks and laugh about.  We all have learned from each other’s mistakes in the dating world, there are plenty of books and online blogs out there to help you too.  I’m a total advocate that if you meet Mr. M and he asks you out there’s no reason why you can’t accept a date for the next night with Mr. Y.  Right? Why not?  You are weeding through what’s out there, even if it’s online dating or getting fixed up by friends until you meet one who you only want to spend your days and nights with.  If you’ve been out there recently with single friends there are slim pickins to what you find out at a bar (at our age) so you have to find other means.  So date online, fill your calendar with every flavor possible, go to dinner, have coffee, meet people, let your friends fix you up, take notes from Steve Harvey (yes the grocery store after 8 pm does have single men food shopping on certain days of the week) - when you’re ready for Mr./Mrs. Right Again it will happen.

I can’t pinpoint the exact point when my head was screwed on straight to get back out there, but it all fell into place as it should have (after the ink was dry and the T’s finally crossed) and my heart is where it belongs. ;-) 

Surviving the Big D: The Holidays

The holidays are a stressful time for anyone and everyone (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas are the big top 3).  You go thru the following questions every holiday: “Who do we see first, who gets shafted for dinner or dessert, who gets left out this year?  Why don’t we host so we’re not running around like crazy?”  Now that you are on your own your holidays change and for me it was for the better. I didn’t have to deal with the stress of answering those questions anymore.  I went where I wanted to (or just stayed home), stayed as long as I wanted to stay (not to satisfy the hosts), there was no more juggling, no more stressful holidays when those dates came along on the calendar.  I had spent most of my driving life (with and without being in relationships choosing where to spend my holidays because my parents were divorced) so this was a relief.

One thing to keep in mind, whether you are separated/divorced/single you will be the topic of conversation to family members who haven’t seen you in a while.  It’s best to let them speak their mind as you nod and smile to comprehend, they do not need to know all the details of the separation/agreement as to spread that information across the soup can telephone lines to the rest of the family.  If you are uncomfortable then just politely say “Please respect my privacy as I wish to not speak about this at this time.”  I can’t quite put a finger on when the whispers stopped for me as I had other things to contend with the details of the agreement.  I know after five years certain family members refrained from asking if we still talk because my response had been nothing but ‘no’ or “I’m waiting for him to refi”.  Not something I wanted to discuss at the family dinner table while passing the vegetables.

  

Since my divorce, I’ve hosted Thanksgiving, which was not stressful at all thanks to Mom’s stuffing. I love hosting events, if you’re late we don’t wait to eat, too bad.  We drink, we have no filter at the table which makes the traditional family dinners not so traditional to some.  The adults man the television which means football is on at all times  – except maybe during dinner when there’s dinner music on.  Just like it was when I was little, I had no say over what was on the TV after dinner at Grandpa’s, the Uncle’s had football on.  The next day, Black Friday I’m up and shopping, a new tradition that was started over the last few years with my Mom and my sister when the three of us are together.  Thanksgiving, like Easter is one day a year, you don’t need to spread it over an entire weekend - especially if you just saw those people the previous weekend for dinner or a birthday. I’ve always wanted to celebrate it with friends, perhaps one of these years.

I actually look forward to Christmas morning on my own terms now instead of the dread of waking up and having to be at someone else’s house at zero-dark-thirty watching their kids open their gifts while mine sat under the tree at home.  I no longer have to deal with the brilliant idea of rotating the holidays and then having to face disappointment when the SOs family doesn’t ‘get it’ or understand that you have family too.  (Ah I got that out again, yes I’m still a little bitter from my previous life, but the last few years of doing it all my way have been way more enjoyable, this is the last time you’ll hear me mention that I promise!) 

Now I wake up on Christmas without an alarm (even if I’m out on Christmas Eve), visit family on my schedule and theirs.  Christmas is one day to spend with those you love how you want to, not what is expected of you.  Others’ will just have to deal or for a better term, concede to the other, especially when most of us have to work the next day. My Christmas’ since the divorce have been most memorable.

One thing I almost forgot which is a huge factor in deciding who to keep or toss from your friends list -  when the Christmas cards come rolling in family and friends may not remember you’ve changed your name back, they may not know about your divorce.  It’s best to get your cards out first this way you won’t be angry if they address your envelope with “Mr. & Mrs.” Or “Mrs. (insert married name here)”.  Saves you the frustration of having to write off your friends and family based on their lack of paying attention to minor details. 

Then there’s Easter…Easter for me is always just another Sunday dinner and reminiscing about our matching Easter outfits as children.  We no longer color eggs, but we hold the traditional baking of multiple recipes of Babka from Grandma. I still don’t think we actually have the entire recipe – she must have left something out on purpose.  Overall unless they’re questioning you at the dinner table again, Easter isn’t a big deal since its only a few hours and there aren’t any gifts being exchanged.

Being married and then divorced and single, having to split holidays between two-three families even prior to all of those events gives one a different perspective even though I do not have children.  We share the holidays with those we love, we should not have to experience subconscious guilt because we choose to spend the holidays with someone else’s family or friends.  Yes we’re not getting any younger and our families are getting older but in hindsight we should not have to feel that we’re doing something wrong if we chose the latter.  Society places such high regard on expectations of everyone that we spend most of our holidays stressing about them instead of enjoying them.  We spend too much time worrying about what other people think and hurting someone’s feelings.

  

And lastly….after dealing with the ‘rotating’ and traveling from house to house do not feel pressured to show up with a date to your families holiday dinner.  Do not by all means succumb to the pressure.  I for one do not want to schlep my new SO around when he could be spending time with his family.  It would be entirely different if I was engaged or married again, however while you are single you stick to your family and him to his.  It’s so much easier on both of you that way, there’s no stress or fighting.  Forget what your family might think it’s not their life, and you’ve already ‘been there done that’ and probably didn’t enjoy it.  I’m not saying write it off entirely, if there is an opportunity to share a holiday then great, otherwise there should be no pressure to rsvp to dinner with a +1.  You can always go to dinner another time.  Because the minute you show up with a date the new whispers start of ‘how serious is this one?’, ‘oh do you think he’ll/she’ll get married again?’ will come along, and if he or she doesn’t show up with you for the next holiday,  god help you because society wants us all to be attached at the hip and now you’re not so something is wrong in their eyes and they break out the soup cans to start the telephone line.  The vicious cycle begins, so its best to just do your own thing until you’re absolutely ready to bring someone to the holiday dinner table.

So this year I ask you to spend the holidays as you want to, without the stress, the unwanted expectations from outsiders.  If they do not understand then its their problem, do it your way and you will enjoy the holidays.

**I didn’t include July 4^th, New Years, Memorial Day as those are holidays that don’t particularly count as ‘shared’ events, more for spending time with friends.

Surviving the Big D: Why now?

I have been asked, “Why are you writing about this now? Why are you making this public? Why talk about it?"  To be honest, I was officially divorced and had my name changed 5 years ago, however I felt I had to wait for certain ink to dry to not put myself in jeopardy of anything else in my life being delayed any further, so I kept quiet.  Trust me it was like banging my head against the wall.  One of the biggest mistakes I made with the mediator (besides getting a mediator and not an attorney) in the Property Settlement was I did not put when any dates for specific things were due by, thus allowing the ex to take his time to refinance the house.  With that being said, my name was still on the mortgage, it still showed up on my credit report, which when I went to apply for a mortgage on my current place I had to prove I wasn’t responsible or living there anymore.  What’s worse when I went for any loan, whether it be a car loan or personal loan it looked like I owned two houses.  Thankfully things were written out in the property settlement explaining the ex had to refinance (sans the ‘due date’), and I began to carry a copy of it around on a USB device as a safety net.

Five years later, it’s clearly off my credit report thanks to the brilliant Divorce Attorney who wrote the letter to apply the pressure,  that was definitely money well spent.  I would like to thank the ex for keeping up with the payments to not put my credit in jeopardy although others may not be so kind to do so as from other stories I’ve heard.  So that is why I waited to publish my series of “Surviving the Big D” and anything else about my divorce.   Now that the ink is dry and papers are filed away, I can ‘talk’ in hopes my experience helps someone else. 

Stay tuned for the next installment, this one is perfect for the ‘holidays’! 

Surviving the Big D: You are #1

My divorce happened before the chance to have kids came around , so at this point in my life I was looking out for me and that meant doing things for myself for a change and not worrying about everyone and everything around me.  I treated myself to a day at Depasquale Spa with one of the Angels – something I’ve never ever done before. I’ve heard this place was expensive but worth it – and the ‘lounge’ and facial treatment was well worth it!  What had I been missing out on?  I also spent money on something I mostlikely would have never ever purchased before, something out of my price range but that I could ultimately pay off without living off of Raman noodles.  That was my ‘independence’ purse.  I bought my first gold Coach purse, which started a moderate collection of bags afterward.  I still look upon it as my ‘independence’ purse, it could have been any purchase but for me just buying this new purse meant starting my life over again. 

As far as books and movies go, rent the entire series of Sex in the City with or without your girlfriends.  After watching the entire series you will be tempted and driven to update your hair and wardrobe and get that sexy back.  I spent a Friday night watching episode after episode of one season that inspired me (more like motivated after a glass of wine) when I woke up Saturday all I wanted to do was buy shoes and so I did.  I went and bought 2 pairs of sexy heels and 2 pairs of knee high boots.  It was an impulse but I do get plenty of wear of out them.

Read ‘Eat Pray Love’ do not see the movie.  I enjoyed the book much better than the movie.  It will make you think, believe and regain that self confidence once again, I can’t truly explain what you’ll personally obtain from it, but you will find something.  “Rules” books are ok to indulge in if you do not take them seriously.  I mean, rules haven’t really changed, just the fact pagers and pay phones are nonexistent, IM is a thing of the past, that texting is the latest means to conversation and trust in yourself to not put up with any b-s (see your bucket list if you need a refresher).   

If you still need to get yourself sorted out and your head screwed on straight, then I suggest talking to a counselor, overall it can’t hurt, its confidential and covered by most health insurances.  Talking to a complete (professional) stranger about your issues instead of burdening your friends all the time is part of the healing process.  I did and for one session a week for three weeks sure set my mind right when I had failed in ‘couples’ counseling.  It also helped me deal with my father’s sudden passing, so it is worth it to talk to a professional even if you have the support of your friends and family.

Make yourself over and pamper yourself (expensive) just once, get your make up done, get a new hair style, get a spa manicure/pedicure.  Get your ‘guts’ out on the table and feel like you can conquer the world.  You are #1 now, go do things for YOU that make YOU happy. 

Aging Like Fine Wine (minus the plaid skirts)

I spent most of the car ride to my 20 year high school reunion trying to figure out how to answer the “so where’s your husband?” question.   Numerous responses came to mind such as “He’s in my dream house” (at the time of purchase it indeed was a dream house), “I left him home but my escort cancelled”, “I don’t have one anymore”, “He fell off a boat”.  Only to be asked one question by a classmate married with children, “So what’s your story, single, married, etc?” With my response being “Divorced” and his immediately being, “That bastard” which is much better than the typical “Oh I’m so sorry to hear that”.  It was a funny, classic moment and definitely uplifting since it was coming from someone not even knowing anything about me in the last 20 years. 

Amongst friends new and old, and old acquaintances being brought up to speed the night could have been without the breeze (and smell) of low tide and burnt popcorn.  Kudos to the bartender for remembering (and properly pouring) my drinks for the evening. 

And thanks to my fans, my new fans who I had no idea you were reading this, it means a lot so please comment often!  I will try to keep it ‘honest and raw’ for ‘Hello my name is ____ husband’ who wants to one day make the blog. Well then I guess I’ll coordinate an outing with your wife and we’ll all go out and I’ll bring my notebook.  I wasn’t expecting to write anything after Saturday, yet wanted to extend my utmost thanks to my followers who like to ‘keep it real’ and ‘honest’.  Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes its worth a laugh, if only I wasn’t so in deep with poetry 20 years ago imagine the stories I would have told back then!  

Surviving the Big D: The Every-days

So you’re alone, you’re by yourself in your space, whether it’s the house that you kept or an apartment, your parents house, your friends couch or somewhere else.  You have no one to answer to, no one to complain to, no complaints to hear.  Your everyday changes.  You begin to wonder what you are going to do with yourself now, you ask yourself “how do I spend all this free time?”  Use your family and friends as support, you will find out who your true friends are once you go through a traumatic experience in your life, such as a divorce.  They are the ones that stick through it with you.  Do not ask them to choose sides, it’s not their place to get involved with your personal issues, they are not paying that legal fee.  It can make things worse for everyone.  And if they do choose the opposite side, then they really weren’t your friend after all.

As you begin this new chapter in your life, think of it as ‘getting the old me back’.  I gave up a lot of things I liked to do, friends I had, clothes I wore, just to name a few and it made me miserable.  In hindsight it was for nothing.  I learned now I will not lose who I am in a relationship because it’s who I was before I got there. It’s who he fell in love with.  I will not wear baggy clothes at family events because a family member continually tells me “You’re too skinny”. I will not say “No” to friends’ bbq’s because my SO doesn’t want to go.  I will wear my clothes, I will go anyway.  I will not lose who I am and be miserable again.

But you learn this, as I had to relearn this.  I learned it takes time to heal, time to figure it all out and that time may be 6 months, it might be a year, it might be longer.  I learned to get my life in check, get ‘me back’ before I had any sense of direction.  I learned and so will you.  Again, it takes patience with yourself.  It’s a rediscovery, a do-over.  So I ask you who were you before?  Did you give up what made you happy only in the end to discover it made you miserable?  What makes you happy?

I started writing again, in different forms. I do occasionally still write poetry, I’ve written a few spoken word pieces and now my main focus is blogs (short snippets of my life, some true, some highly exaggerated).  Thank you Carrie Bradshaw!  I dove into exercise, not that I needed it but I found other interests such as running and cycling (thanks to having a Schwinn in my teens) to fill up all that extra time. I’m secretly waiting for the roller skating itch to return…shhh.  You will find that filling up your days with doing the things you love, what makes you happy, what you enjoy doing will be rewarding.  You will find new friends, reconnect with old ones, discover new hobbies.  Remember that bucket list?  Here’s your chance to start to cross some things off. 

It was difficult for me, having all this time to myself, filing my weekends with the big question “hmm what can I do today?” Everything and anything is possible.  Having friends and family to support you makes all the difference in getting through the every-days.

Just another installment in 'Surviving the Big D'

Surviving the Big D: The Requirements

I’ve posted the ‘Requirements’ a few years ago and here is how I got to that point.  In no particular order of how you want do get back your sanity, write a list of everything you want in your next relationship, or as I’ve called it “Requirements”. These “Requirements” should be a list of what you are looking for in a relationship, from your potential significant other including situations you do not want to happen in your next relationship.  For example my ex-MIL forgot about the doorbell and calling first before stopping by and my ex never-ever confronted her about it.  Yeah that won’t happen again. 

As you meet people out with friends, dating, you’ll find this as a guide, not necessarily as a list to live by, more as a guide to keep you in line from making those same mistakes again.  My first requirement was ‘Can you boil water?’ in others words, ‘can you cook?’  It’s one of those ice breaker questions you can bring up just meeting someone and they won’t know exactly where you’re going with it (even if it is a bit sarcastic).  You may add other ‘requirements’ as you go along and set up your own rating system.  Not every person you meet has to meet all the requirements, although having a form to easily carry in your purse to hand out to prospects had crossed my mind at one point.  I’ve encouraged my single friends, including those still in the dating pool to make their own list.  There’s always something that happens in relationships we were in that we promise ourselves we won’t deal with again, well..write it down! 

 I no longer abide by my list of “Requirements”, yet it is a great frame for the future and makes a great conversation Q&A to jerks you meet along the way in your newly single life.  Share it with your friends, ask your friends to add to it.  It’s therapeutic as well when you get together with friends and laugh about it and never gets old.  I wonder why I didn’t have this in the first place?

Samples of the ‘Requirements” 

• Must know how to cook – at least boil water and make mac and cheese
• Must knowhow to do laundry – there is a big difference between whites and darks
• Must have manners – meaning..open A door for me, whether it be the car door or any door. Opening 1 door that night is a big brownie point winner.
• If he has a pet, make sure he spends quality time with the pet, otherwise I may find myself locked in the basement when he wants to be alone

Surviving the Big D: The Bucket List

First things first, in order to start a new while I was waiting for the papers to be in stone I wrote a bucket list.  This bucket list is everything I ever wanted to do, places I wanted to see, when I was married (and prior to) but he didn’t want to do them with me or had already done them.  These are my hopes for the future that are somewhat attainable, things to plan ahead for.  My item of seeing a great white shark probably would never happen in a safe situation but it’s a clear reminder that is something I’d like to see one day (out in the wild, in a safe environment, but not at a zoo).  Once the list was completed and typed out legibly I hung it on my refrigerator.  It served as a constant reminder that this is who I am/was/am going to find again and these are the things I will accomplish.  If you decide to do this for yourself you can start anywhere and check them off as they are completed.  Living close to NYC for most of my life off the NJ Turnpike I had never been to the top of the Empire State Building, so when my friend and I were sent to the city for IT training, she went with me to cross that one off the list.  Share it with your friends, they will want to help you and you will have fun doing so. I still have mine, there are a few yet to be crossed off such as a trip to Australia and Cooperstown, and buying a pair of black leather pants.

If I've learned anything from this is that if you are in a relationship you will do what it takes to make that other person happy, even if they've never been to the Empire State Building and you have.  Taking trips to learn things together, experience it all over again creates memories that will last a lifetime.  

What I Learned and How I Survived the Big “D”

Divorce is not easy on anyone, whether you have kids or don’t have kids, its not easy, its not cheap either.  But I survived and so will you.  I needed to have a little patience with myself.  I was now on my own and alone.  I got a do-over as I like to call it. 

I am in no way shape or form an expert on how to survive a divorce, what I can tell you is how I survived, what I did, how I found my happiness again.  This is my personal experience, a verbage of after affects from an unhappy marriage, when counseling didn’t work and things probably wouldn’t have changed regardless.  I do not have kids.  In the end it was a mutual breakup and not ‘surprise I’m asking you for a divorce' followed by a 'sign here’ sticker.  I can only tell my story and hope that you will find something which provides you comfort, hope and your do-over.  Always remember you are A #1, you must do what makes you (and your kids if you have them) happy.

Look for multiple installments of ‘Surviving the Big D” in days to come.