The holidays
are a stressful time for anyone and everyone (Easter, Thanksgiving and
Christmas are the big top 3). You go thru the following questions every
holiday: “Who do we see first, who gets shafted for dinner or dessert, who gets
left out this year? Why don’t we host so we’re not running around like
crazy?” Now that you are on your own your holidays change and for me it
was for the better. I didn’t have to deal with the stress of answering those
questions anymore. I went where I wanted to (or just stayed home), stayed
as long as I wanted to stay (not to satisfy the hosts), there was no more
juggling, no more stressful holidays when those dates came along on the
calendar. I had spent most of my driving life (with and without being in
relationships choosing where to spend my holidays because my parents were
divorced) so this was a relief.
One thing to keep in mind, whether you are separated/divorced/single
you will be the topic of conversation to family members who haven’t seen you in
a while. It’s best to let them speak their mind as you nod and smile to
comprehend, they do not need to know all the details of the separation/agreement
as to spread that information across the soup can telephone lines to the rest
of the family. If you are uncomfortable then just politely say “Please
respect my privacy as I wish to not speak about this at this time.” I
can’t quite put a finger on when the whispers stopped for me as I had other
things to contend with the details of the agreement. I know after five
years certain family members refrained from asking if we still talk because my
response had been nothing but ‘no’ or “I’m waiting for him to refi”. Not
something I wanted to discuss at the family dinner table while passing the vegetables.
Since my
divorce, I’ve hosted Thanksgiving, which was not stressful at all thanks to
Mom’s stuffing. I love hosting events, if you’re late we don’t wait to eat, too
bad. We drink, we have no filter at the table which makes the traditional
family dinners not so traditional to some. The adults man the television
which means football is on at all times – except maybe during dinner when
there’s dinner music on. Just like it was when I was little, I had no say
over what was on the TV after dinner at Grandpa’s, the Uncle’s had football
on. The next day, Black Friday I’m up and shopping, a new tradition that
was started over the last few years with my Mom and my sister when the three of
us are together. Thanksgiving, like
Easter is one day a year, you don’t need to spread it over an entire weekend - especially
if you just saw those people the previous weekend for dinner or a
birthday. I’ve always wanted to celebrate it with friends, perhaps one of
these years.
I actually
look forward to Christmas morning on my own terms now instead of the dread of
waking up and having to be at someone else’s house at zero-dark-thirty watching
their kids open their gifts while mine sat under the tree at home. I no
longer have to deal with the brilliant idea of rotating the holidays and then
having to face disappointment when the SOs family doesn’t ‘get it’ or
understand that you have family too. (Ah I got that out again, yes I’m
still a little bitter from my previous life, but the last few years of doing it
all my way have been way more enjoyable, this is the last time you’ll hear me
mention that I promise!)
Now I wake
up on Christmas without an alarm (even if I’m out on Christmas Eve), visit
family on my schedule and theirs. Christmas is one day to spend with those
you love how you want to, not what is expected of you. Others’ will just
have to deal or for a better term, concede to the other, especially when most
of us have to work the next day. My Christmas’
since the divorce have been most memorable.
One thing I almost forgot which is a huge factor in deciding
who to keep or toss from your friends list - when the Christmas cards come rolling in
family and friends may not remember you’ve changed your name back, they may not
know about your divorce. It’s best to get your cards out first this way
you won’t be angry if they address your envelope with “Mr. & Mrs.” Or “Mrs.
(insert married name here)”. Saves you the frustration of having to write
off your friends and family based on their lack of paying attention to minor
details.
Then there’s
Easter…Easter for me is always just another Sunday dinner and reminiscing about
our matching Easter outfits as children. We no longer color eggs, but we
hold the traditional baking of multiple recipes of Babka from Grandma. I still
don’t think we actually have the entire recipe – she must have left something
out on purpose. Overall unless they’re
questioning you at the dinner table again, Easter isn’t a big deal since its
only a few hours and there aren’t any gifts being exchanged.
Being
married and then divorced and single, having to split holidays between
two-three families even prior to all of those events gives one a different
perspective even though I do not have children. We share the holidays
with those we love, we should not have to experience subconscious guilt because
we choose to spend the holidays with someone else’s family or friends.
Yes we’re not getting any younger and our families are getting older but in
hindsight we should not have to feel that we’re doing something wrong if we
chose the latter. Society places such high regard on expectations of
everyone that we spend most of our holidays stressing about them instead of
enjoying them. We spend too much time worrying about what other people
think and hurting someone’s feelings.
And lastly….after dealing with the ‘rotating’ and traveling
from house to house do not feel pressured to show up with a date to your
families holiday dinner. Do not by all means succumb to the
pressure. I for one do not want to schlep my new SO around when he could
be spending time with his family. It would be entirely different if I was
engaged or married again, however while you are single you stick to your family
and him to his. It’s so much easier on both of you that way, there’s no
stress or fighting. Forget what your family might think it’s not their
life, and you’ve already ‘been there done that’ and probably didn’t enjoy
it. I’m not saying write it off entirely, if there is an opportunity to
share a holiday then great, otherwise there should be no pressure to rsvp to
dinner with a +1. You can always go to dinner another time. Because
the minute you show up with a date the new whispers start of ‘how serious is
this one?’, ‘oh do you think he’ll/she’ll get married again?’ will come along,
and if he or she doesn’t show up with you for the next holiday, god help
you because society wants us all to be attached at the hip and now you’re not
so something is wrong in their eyes and they break out the soup cans to start the
telephone line. The vicious cycle begins, so its best to just do your own
thing until you’re absolutely ready to bring someone to the holiday dinner
table.
So this year
I ask you to spend the holidays as you want to, without the stress, the
unwanted expectations from outsiders. If they do not understand then its
their problem, do it your way and you will enjoy the holidays.
**I didn’t include July 4th, New Years, Memorial
Day as those are holidays that don’t particularly count as ‘shared’ events, more
for spending time with friends.
