Its Free Coffee

I wonder why I get myself in these predicaments. I’m a private person, I get home, I pull in the garage, shut the garage door. I don’t socialize with my neighbors around here, they actually are just there for the noise. I like people don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to make friends with these idiots. Here’s where the story begins. I should have known….

I had taken the garbage out one day and happened to walk past one of these neighbors washing his truck. He said “Hi”, introduced himself, asked me if I was the one with the white Altima. I should have known…. We exchanged pleasantrees, he told me he hardly saw me out, and I said “I sleep and eat here, I’m out a lot.” Its really none of his business what I’m up to, I hardly know this guy. That was that, I hadn’t seen him for a few months until my doorbell rang and it was him. I normally don’t answer the door at all, my friends will call me if they are in the area, they won’t just show up unannounced. I answered the door nicely and he had asked me a few questions that seemed normal, like if I had boyfriend, if I wouldn’t mind going for coffee one night…blah blah blah. I’m like, ok, no problem, this dude is harmless. It took a lot for him to come over and ring my doorbell and ask. Whatever, he’s harmless. I shoulda known..

The next night my doorbell rings again and I’m comfortable on the couch watching a chick flick, well its him and he asks me for coffee. So what the hell, its free coffee! Let me get this straight, I think I would have been a little bit more excited had he been anything but attractive, sparks flying, yadda yadda. But I didn’t see it like that at all. I get my free coffee and he’s doing all the talking which was fine, because the day I had I wasn’t really up for starting a conversation myself. Its about time someone does all the talking! Haha. He tells me he ‘finds me attractive’, aw that’s nice, this guy has no idea that I’m just not into him! OK, so anyway, he also tells me this..which is basically a no no when you first meet someone, rather than when you meet someone even if you’ve known them for a long time. He told me he’s nosy, he knows when I get home, my picking up the mail pattern. OK that really creeped me out, and I got real quiet and just wanted to get the hell out of there. Thankfully it was time to jet and he said goodnight, shook hands and that was that.

12 hours later I’m closing my curtains, shutting my blinds in the front windows..I feel like I’m in the bungalow all over again when the neighbors were within throwing distance and their kids would leave their toys on the front yard. I shouldn’t feel like this in my own place, now I feel violated somehow. I’m not sure how I’m gonna handle the next encounter besides not answer the door unless I know who it is for sure. But my new stalker has got to go.

No More Mich Ultra's?

Something very strange about people wearing Zorro masks at a bar in the middle of August and a grammar school dance circle made to MJ’s “Beat it”. These things do not belong in the age group that was let in to this place over the weekend. I should just start critiquing bars and their clientele. But most of that clientele didn’t make it to midnight sober or out of the bathroom. That shouldn’t be surprising after all, counting the ‘people shorter than me’ became the joke of the night in a crowd of plain janes and guys who think the latest pick-me-up clothing is a striped polo shirt they would wear to work on casual Friday.

Billy Bob vs Kentucky Don – not your average UFC match

I called it, I saw it from across the bar, Mr. Polo Shirt, who later we named Kentucky Don, came a strolling over to us. Little did we know the next things to come out of his mouth would have left us in hysterics the rest of the night. “You girls know you are the best lookin’ girls in this whole bar.” Now if that ain’t a good pickup line or what! Add a southern drawl, give the boy a cowboy hat and a horse and tell him to turn around and ride out on that horse he road in on. Kentucky had one good thing going for him, he did buy us a drink, which we graciously accepted and wandered off to enjoy the band, (we ain’t comin’ back now ya’ hear’). Next comes Billy Bob, not quite looking like Mr. Thorton himself, but we had to give him a nickname. Billy Bob’s line of the night was “You’re beautiful” multiplied by 10. Yup, by 10. ANNOYING! I’ll give him a few points for the way he approached my friend after Kentucky left to smoke a cig, but that’s about it. Later, Billy Bob stops me and says “My friend likes you”, (ok, how old are we again?) So I said, “That’s nice” and walked away. Sorry, have the balls to talk to me not send your mediator, because you decided to wear a wife beater to go out with the boys.

Now for the main event….for three hours they would not leave us alone. Three hours! We set ourselves up in front of the band to dance and get away from them and they follow us around like puppy dogs waiting for us to throw them a bone and give them the time of day. Mr. Wife beater did try to make conversation about the guitarist but I didn’t want to talk to him anyhow. I actually did ignore Kentucky too when he was talking to me, I was having a ‘find a spot on the wall and just stare at it’ moment. You can classify him as the ‘local yocal who drinks and tosses lines at anything with a pair of boobies.’ He did enter my ‘no zone’ with some comment about ‘wiping my ass on the dancefloor’, I don’t know whatever he said sounded vulgar and he’s lucky I didn’t lay him out right there cuz thems fighting words. Needless to say the car ride home was hysterical, southern drawls, top lines of the night (including the one about how we were in our twenties….our early twenties) and a realization that just cuz the musclehead across the bar has a great upper body, doesn’t necessarily mean his lower half is in shape.

Silent victories always put a smile on my face

I just love waking up to the sound of birds outside my window at 5 am, listening to the sound of workboots pacing above me and walking in my shared garage to find a clutter of trailer trash. Ok, maybe not so trailer-ish, but a go-cart, a used stainless steel Char-broil grill, things that you find after a bad garage sale. Oh, and did I mention my neighbor is a garbage man/landscaper – yes this man multi-tasks but he paces at 5 am!! Anyway, aside from that seeing an ‘ex’ last night at my game with his new wifey & dog in tow was so out of pocket, but at least I’ve aged much better than him (and stayed in shape) in the last 13 years. I’m not sure she saw me or knew of me, but he did because when she returned from the ice cream man, they bolted out of there. And we did win the game by the way, my injury isn’t deterring me from going 1 for 3, with 2 sacs and a RBI single and playing 2B as if I was still in high school.

Make Sure You Do Not Lean too Far Over an Open Flame

Maybe this birthday isn’t so bad. Maybe trying to ignore the getting older factor doesn’t really work since no matter how much I’ve hated anticipating my birthday surprises still put a smile on my face! Like the guy upstairs keeping quiet so I can sleep past 4:30 am this morning, or the cute unexpected serenade I got in the office after my keyboard tray fell on the floor and I spent half the morning trying to fix it with my boss. It might have also been Pep-Rally eliminating the word “baby” from the chatter this morning after wishing me a happy day. Little did I know he was going to personally call me and wish me a happy birthday a few hours later, and then tell me that he was going to try to hit a single for me tonight. I don’t care about that, just buy me a beer afterwards!

Summer Tease

An outdoor martini (or two), a Sprite and some much needed girl time, minus the people watching was had tonight, a surprise summer tease from Mother Nature. But the people watching occurred when it was too obvious that our conversation of constant texting and lack of respect happened a few feet away. Situation: Man on date with girl in really bad neon clothes from the 80’s. She leaves to go to the bathroom (we suspect), he jumps on the phone to text (we assume). Had my girlfriend not said anything I wouldn’t have noticed that girl in the bad 80’s attire had left and was replaced by another female in a polka dotted skirt. I don’t have to tell you that we think he was texting his next date. Even so, had I been meeting a potential date at the place we were at I would have not worn something I could wear to an outdoor bbq, or that would make me the only person at the bar who was glowing. It would have been more than just jeans and a t-shirt for dinner at home, for this place a skirt and heels would have made an appearance, or even that dress I recently bought. It was a perfect night for the perfect…sexy…summer tease.

Bar Hopping Not the Standard Walk-A-Bout

Sitting fireside at a ski resort, and not actually ski-ing, random acts of kindness took place over wasabi tuna, and out of the norm beer munchies and above all typical evening out ending with people passed out in their own beds.
- Young waiters, really young waiters
- Old guys sitting at bar stools waiting for the bunny skiers
- Put a ‘hello my name is tag’ on the waitress so the guys can look at her boobies
- At next bar…we sat in high chairs for adults with cushions where super Mario served us pizza.
- ‘I have a big one’
- Shorty guys at 2nd bar stop, shorter than me and the ghosts can’t help that one
- Grandpa held grandma’s flower purse at the bar
- ZZ top band member was drinking at the bar with us
- ‘I’m totally wet”