Surviving the Big D: Dating

They say the only way to get over someone is to get involved with someone else.  Yes, okay maybe when my head is screwed on straight and I know what end is up, then ask yourself “What do I want/don’t want in a relationship this time?”  Usually the ink is dry by now or at least in the process of.  Many potential ‘dates’ do not want to get involved with you seriously (for more than just a date-date) if they think there’s a slight chance you could get back with the ex if all the T’s aren’t crossed and papers aren’t filed.  There should be no loose ends when you get back into the dating world.  You should not be dependent on the ex for anything – cut all ties and most of all you should be over him/her.  “Getting back together” at this point is not an option – no matter how much your family liked him/her.

Now I’m not against dating right away, you can venture out with your friends and meet people.  The rules haven’t changed (just technology), but they will seem foreign to you, again it’s just like riding a bike.  You did it before, you can do it again.  This time there’s the online dating universe which you really have to weed through, it’s also best to do it with a good friend as a screener.  This way if someone is really trying to scam you by posting their picture from 10 years ago and your friend happens to meet them before you at least you have a warning.  Yes that actually happened (I may have written something similar in the “Starting Fires” blog with my Shrek reference and continued into “Another Saturday Morning Cartoon”).  Dive right in, fill your calendar, practice, learn and you will find someone.  You may even find someone while you are waiting for someone else to show up at the restaurant.  You can’t think of the dating world right out of a divorce as hoping to find Mr./Mrs. Right Again right away, it’s not realistic.  It should be the furthest thing from your mind until your head is screwed on straight and you have direction in your life.  I’ve known too many people who jump right to #2, or #3 right out of a divorce, amazing how many have gotten remarried within a year or 2 of a divorce and some divorced again. I’m not saying they didn’t find Mr./Mrs. Right Again but you do need to figure things out for yourself..at least I did. 

I dove into the online dating scene after my divorce on three different sites, when one wasn’t working for me, I signed up for another one.  Dates that never got past the 2^nd date-no sparks.  Dates that didn’t last 2 months.  Dates that got weird – doesn’t matter which site you use, they are almost all the same.  You do have to kiss a lot of frogs (again) and yes they are all out there, I’m sure a few of those ‘winners’ made it on the blog at one point.  Once you’re out in the scene and things aren’t going as planned notice your dating patterns – are you still attracting the wrong guys?  Are you sending out the wrong signals? Are you wearing the wrong clothes (i.e. too conservative/too much cleavage)?  Chances are it could be you.  If you keep buying the same cereal you’ll never discover the next one on the shelf.  Learn from your mistakes, write down your requirements.  Did you have a bad divorce? What do you want now?  (You can refer back to the beginning of the ‘Surviving’ series and read the “Requirements” for hints.)  You weren’t put here on this earth to settle if it doesn’t make you happy.

Those dating stories that you bring back to your friends (single/married etc) are the ones you share over drinks and laugh about.  We all have learned from each other’s mistakes in the dating world, there are plenty of books and online blogs out there to help you too.  I’m a total advocate that if you meet Mr. M and he asks you out there’s no reason why you can’t accept a date for the next night with Mr. Y.  Right? Why not?  You are weeding through what’s out there, even if it’s online dating or getting fixed up by friends until you meet one who you only want to spend your days and nights with.  If you’ve been out there recently with single friends there are slim pickins to what you find out at a bar (at our age) so you have to find other means.  So date online, fill your calendar with every flavor possible, go to dinner, have coffee, meet people, let your friends fix you up, take notes from Steve Harvey (yes the grocery store after 8 pm does have single men food shopping on certain days of the week) - when you’re ready for Mr./Mrs. Right Again it will happen.

I can’t pinpoint the exact point when my head was screwed on straight to get back out there, but it all fell into place as it should have (after the ink was dry and the T’s finally crossed) and my heart is where it belongs. ;-) 

The 'Cost' of Friendship

Throughout the years I’ve lost friends, or they wrote me off because our lives were not going in the same direction and vice versa.  Many of my good friends got married, had children and I too was married at one point without kids, now divorced without kids.  How were we going to get along? Very easy, how did we become friends in the first place?  Yes this is something the girls talk about when we’re together, the married, the single, the divorced, separated ones we talk about it.  We talk about the friends we have lost because they refuse to leave their town to go out and have a good time.  We talk about the friends we have lost because we’re the only ones not talking about our children at their bbq.  We talk about the friends we all can’t hang out with at the same time because someone doesn’t like the other one or whatever gripe it may be.  We talk about them because we can’t figure out why they wouldn’t want to go out with their friends.  But we get together to talk, to chat, to catch up.   Yet I find it funny that once their children get older, they all of a sudden have time for you, years have passed by and they think its okay now to catch up.  I’m still not sure how I feel about that because so much time has gone by and no effort was ever made on their part (no Christmas cards, no text conversations, no emails).  If they truly wanted to catch up, there’s 9 digits to dial, an email or a text to send, a halfway between houses to meet up where the husband watches the child for a few hours.  It all comes down to how important is that friendship.  I’m not saying that all parents are like this, just using it as an example.

I too have had a schedule full of softball games or other hobbies I am interested in, and I may live an hour from most of my friends, but at least I put it out there, even if that means meeting up after work.  For example, three weeks ago, because I know scheduling things with friends with children have to be done ahead of time, I text a good friend of mine about today for lunch.  I heard nothing back.  I’ve extended the same olive branch in a few Christmas cards to others with no response either.  Nice huh?  When do I stop putting in the effort?

I can say the same for some of my single/separated/divorced friends (with and without kids).  Try a month in advance, a few weeks to days in advance to plan something, come up with a date that’s set in stone, find a place to go, then day of I get the cancellation.  Yes this can happen to anyone and everyone who has heard all the excuses in the book.  Yes you can try to appease the situation and hope for next time, but when next time this happens again, then again and again ‘when do I stop putting in the effort?’ At what point do I end the friendship?

I’ve made efforts to drive to my friends’ houses, meet them halfway, but some of them (not all) won’t pay it back.  I shouldn’t always have to be driving to your house to go out or better yet, pick the place to go out by you when I don’t even live there.  I shouldn’t have to pick you up and drop you off when you don’t make the effort to do the same.  There are no excuses and I’ve realized that real friends compromise and make the effort no matter where you are in life, what state you’re in, how far you have to drive, even if it means rescheduling until you meet up.  Chances are if you get a ‘reschedule’ request, most of the time you end up going out anyway and making new friends (maybe next time I’ll send the ‘rescheduler’ a bill).

Surviving the Big D: The Holidays

The holidays are a stressful time for anyone and everyone (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas are the big top 3).  You go thru the following questions every holiday: “Who do we see first, who gets shafted for dinner or dessert, who gets left out this year?  Why don’t we host so we’re not running around like crazy?”  Now that you are on your own your holidays change and for me it was for the better. I didn’t have to deal with the stress of answering those questions anymore.  I went where I wanted to (or just stayed home), stayed as long as I wanted to stay (not to satisfy the hosts), there was no more juggling, no more stressful holidays when those dates came along on the calendar.  I had spent most of my driving life (with and without being in relationships choosing where to spend my holidays because my parents were divorced) so this was a relief.

One thing to keep in mind, whether you are separated/divorced/single you will be the topic of conversation to family members who haven’t seen you in a while.  It’s best to let them speak their mind as you nod and smile to comprehend, they do not need to know all the details of the separation/agreement as to spread that information across the soup can telephone lines to the rest of the family.  If you are uncomfortable then just politely say “Please respect my privacy as I wish to not speak about this at this time.”  I can’t quite put a finger on when the whispers stopped for me as I had other things to contend with the details of the agreement.  I know after five years certain family members refrained from asking if we still talk because my response had been nothing but ‘no’ or “I’m waiting for him to refi”.  Not something I wanted to discuss at the family dinner table while passing the vegetables.

  

Since my divorce, I’ve hosted Thanksgiving, which was not stressful at all thanks to Mom’s stuffing. I love hosting events, if you’re late we don’t wait to eat, too bad.  We drink, we have no filter at the table which makes the traditional family dinners not so traditional to some.  The adults man the television which means football is on at all times  – except maybe during dinner when there’s dinner music on.  Just like it was when I was little, I had no say over what was on the TV after dinner at Grandpa’s, the Uncle’s had football on.  The next day, Black Friday I’m up and shopping, a new tradition that was started over the last few years with my Mom and my sister when the three of us are together.  Thanksgiving, like Easter is one day a year, you don’t need to spread it over an entire weekend - especially if you just saw those people the previous weekend for dinner or a birthday. I’ve always wanted to celebrate it with friends, perhaps one of these years.

I actually look forward to Christmas morning on my own terms now instead of the dread of waking up and having to be at someone else’s house at zero-dark-thirty watching their kids open their gifts while mine sat under the tree at home.  I no longer have to deal with the brilliant idea of rotating the holidays and then having to face disappointment when the SOs family doesn’t ‘get it’ or understand that you have family too.  (Ah I got that out again, yes I’m still a little bitter from my previous life, but the last few years of doing it all my way have been way more enjoyable, this is the last time you’ll hear me mention that I promise!) 

Now I wake up on Christmas without an alarm (even if I’m out on Christmas Eve), visit family on my schedule and theirs.  Christmas is one day to spend with those you love how you want to, not what is expected of you.  Others’ will just have to deal or for a better term, concede to the other, especially when most of us have to work the next day. My Christmas’ since the divorce have been most memorable.

One thing I almost forgot which is a huge factor in deciding who to keep or toss from your friends list -  when the Christmas cards come rolling in family and friends may not remember you’ve changed your name back, they may not know about your divorce.  It’s best to get your cards out first this way you won’t be angry if they address your envelope with “Mr. & Mrs.” Or “Mrs. (insert married name here)”.  Saves you the frustration of having to write off your friends and family based on their lack of paying attention to minor details. 

Then there’s Easter…Easter for me is always just another Sunday dinner and reminiscing about our matching Easter outfits as children.  We no longer color eggs, but we hold the traditional baking of multiple recipes of Babka from Grandma. I still don’t think we actually have the entire recipe – she must have left something out on purpose.  Overall unless they’re questioning you at the dinner table again, Easter isn’t a big deal since its only a few hours and there aren’t any gifts being exchanged.

Being married and then divorced and single, having to split holidays between two-three families even prior to all of those events gives one a different perspective even though I do not have children.  We share the holidays with those we love, we should not have to experience subconscious guilt because we choose to spend the holidays with someone else’s family or friends.  Yes we’re not getting any younger and our families are getting older but in hindsight we should not have to feel that we’re doing something wrong if we chose the latter.  Society places such high regard on expectations of everyone that we spend most of our holidays stressing about them instead of enjoying them.  We spend too much time worrying about what other people think and hurting someone’s feelings.

  

And lastly….after dealing with the ‘rotating’ and traveling from house to house do not feel pressured to show up with a date to your families holiday dinner.  Do not by all means succumb to the pressure.  I for one do not want to schlep my new SO around when he could be spending time with his family.  It would be entirely different if I was engaged or married again, however while you are single you stick to your family and him to his.  It’s so much easier on both of you that way, there’s no stress or fighting.  Forget what your family might think it’s not their life, and you’ve already ‘been there done that’ and probably didn’t enjoy it.  I’m not saying write it off entirely, if there is an opportunity to share a holiday then great, otherwise there should be no pressure to rsvp to dinner with a +1.  You can always go to dinner another time.  Because the minute you show up with a date the new whispers start of ‘how serious is this one?’, ‘oh do you think he’ll/she’ll get married again?’ will come along, and if he or she doesn’t show up with you for the next holiday,  god help you because society wants us all to be attached at the hip and now you’re not so something is wrong in their eyes and they break out the soup cans to start the telephone line.  The vicious cycle begins, so its best to just do your own thing until you’re absolutely ready to bring someone to the holiday dinner table.

So this year I ask you to spend the holidays as you want to, without the stress, the unwanted expectations from outsiders.  If they do not understand then its their problem, do it your way and you will enjoy the holidays.

**I didn’t include July 4^th, New Years, Memorial Day as those are holidays that don’t particularly count as ‘shared’ events, more for spending time with friends.

Party of 5

It’s amazing what can fit in my car for a weekend in AC, its also amazing how I can overpack. I’m usually so organized, picking outfits out that mix and match, along with shoes, but this time I brought way too much for the Annual Girls Weekend.  That’s just what is was and has been for the last 4 years, the annual girls trip for married, single, divorced, separated ladies.  Cheap therapy with your gal pals that is not limited to dropping a few $20s in a slot machine and sucking down a few cranberry and vodkas while discussions of children, hoo-hahs and men are not hushed.  Always that time of year to look forward to, I don’t know why any girls weekend or girls night is frowned upon.  Well, those of you that do, shame on you.  You have no idea what quality time with your gals away from your family or ‘kid free’ as an Angel put it, will do for your health.  It’s that break you look forward to, that reconnecting with your friends once a year to make new memories, play catch up, share photos, drink Starbucks and most of all have fun.  With that said on to our next adventure.

Within the first few minutes of dropping the bags in the room and venturing out to find food we were approached by a tall ‘Irish’ Bostonian (with an Irish accent) who couldn’t have been more than 25 and been my brother.  He of course, targeted me, the one who looks the most Irish out of the group.  Claiming he was with a group of 14 guys, all of which were ‘crashing in the room’ he tried desperately to find out where we were going that night.  The guy did not waste time, he even had a ‘young lad’ with him.  Being the smart ones we are, we deflected the question and he went on to ask if we were all single, trying to get our ‘lucky charms’.  Of course we answered honestly but he insisted he obtain one of our numbers.  So I not-so-kindly started to walk away and said “We’ll see you later” which in fact we did not.

We move on to bar hop, to celebrate a birthday, which if you are celebrating a birthday make sure the bartender knows.  You get better service that way, and if he’s cute he’ll pay attention.  The sports bar we ended up in had a huge cast of characters including firemen who didn’t have a calendar and Frodo who was their mascot.   Through a few winks and smiles, and men that seemed to only wink at our birthday girl and not have anything else to say we moved on to a late night fix of pizza, cheesesteaks and a grilled cheese.  Unfortunately this place was nothing like our infamous 4 am ‘noodle bar’ and Senor Pizza wasn’t back until noon.  How can you have pizza on the menu if the gourmet pizza chef only works half the day?

Finding a spot for five of us on the beach amongst families and those with children, away from anything that resembled the French guy in a speedo was a little difficult, but not unattainable.  We just had to pick the right spot, to be able to see everything and not offend anyone because we do not have a filter – there is no censor as to most adult conversations anywhere in public.  We had our SPF, our magazines, and in full agreement that the word ‘selfie’ was entirely worn out by this time.  We just continued to take silly beach ‘selfies’ of ourselves in between flipping the pages of SHAPE magazine.   Now the Beach Bar was a minor let down, our favorite bartenders no longer were there to serve one of us that killer drink.  We’ve had numerous occasions of ‘one woman down’ after drinking here.  Meaning at least one of us didn’t survive making it back out of the room at night after drinking one of their mixed drinks. I was one of them one year, and vowed never to do that again.  I missed an entire evening!  I’m still trying to understand the wardrobe malfunctions I saw, along with the ‘wolverine’ look alikes that paraded around holding their plastic fishbowl drinks.  How could their friends let them leave the house like that?  That’s where I come in with a camera..yup, smile, or don’t smile, you made the blog or at least your sneakers did.  

The guy I really wanted the picture of was wearing a suntan of a wife-beater with a sailor hat on.  Still wondering about that one – did he lose a bet?  We drank, we danced, we had fun, we even met a Peyton Manning look-alike who left his bachelor party drunk in the room to have a drink with adults.  The Angels thank you Mr. Best Man for the shot.  That was the highlight at the bar, unless you take the suggestion from the bartender to ‘not order the dirty banana’ while watching the ‘situation’ look alike get tossed out.  Who gets tossed from the beach bar at 3 in the afternoon?  I seem to have a lot of questions on this trip…but at least we’re not ‘babysitting’ like previous years.

After getting all prettied up and looking fabulous we head to dinner where I seem to be the only one taking notes watching another table which seems to be a bachelorette party (who would have guessed) actually hold up their food (with their fingers) to take pictures of it.  Chicken must be made differently in their town I guess.    We score a limo ride for the price of a taxi to Harrah’s Pool, we were riding in style - see saying its ‘someone’s birthday’ can get you places.  This is where it got interesting.  We got a discount at the door because we were all over 30, the club where I’ll never pay money to get into again because their DJ was horrible.  We also learned never give a camera to anyone under 25 to take a group picture, because he got down on one knee and shot up at us.  Dumbass.  No one got free drinks that night, not even the birthday girl.  But this is just the beginning as we all split up in groups to scour the place.  Three of us found observing a table of two guys, one wearing a suit all by themselves sharing bottle service to be interesting.  Think Chris Farley and Channing Tatum sharing a bottle service table by themselves.  Um hum.   In looking for the other Angels we ventured to the rooftop, which was a smoking lounge with couches and places to sit.  We sat for a while only to be approached by a guy who wanted us to guess his nationality.  Really? Is that all you got? He was nicely dressed I’ll give him that, and when he asked if he could sit down, I smack myself now for allowing it as he tried to sit on my lap.  His stay was short lived since he was spitting on me as he spoke about being an Egyptian and living in the palace.  See we think quick, we go with a plan, and when he asked us for our names it went like this: “Valerie, Jane, and I’m Married, thanks but we have to go find our friends.” Yup…at least that part was the truth. 

From bad pickup lines such as ‘would you dance with those Chippendale Dancers?’ to horrible music this night couldn’t have gotten any worse for our eyes and ears.  We encountered at the next bar a girl bent over puking at her table with her friend holding her hair back,  someone else with her boyfriend wearing prison stripes that if she didn’t pull her skirt down a bit more we would be able to tell what brand of panties she was or wasn’t wearing.  Apparently we missed the memo that prison stripes were the rage now since I could count on both hands the amount of people wearing them, and that includes the amount of men in Salmon colored shirts, oh and don’t forget the guy wearing the pink pants.  Whether they wore them well is a different story.  And would someone please tell these girls to keep their shoes on when they use the public restroom?  How gross!  I wonder if the girl we saw in the lobby, who looked like she was tossed out of her room with her bag did.  She was sitting on the floor in the middle of the lobby, on her phone when we heard in a half-crying-upset voice , “You left me in the bathroom for 3 hours!”  HAHA!  I was amazed how many people asked us if she was okay out of concern, my response, “She’s not in our party, not our problem”. She clearly had a phone so she could find her way home or better yet, call her parents to come get her.  I guess if you were hitting on my boyfriend I would have left you there too.

Amongst the ridiculous amount of bachelorette parties that we passed and our  ‘Congratulations, don’t let her eat the cake’ remarks to the bachelor parties (although no one seems to understand that, but we warned them) we had fun laughing at all those women dressed up to the nines who can’t walk in their shoes.  Yes we’re laughing at you because we know better.   We also laugh at men who sit together (and take pictures of them), men who sit together with a chair in between  them (huh?),  men who look like Hermie the Dentist that order Bloody Mary’s at 4 in the afternoon.  

Last but not least I’d like to give a shout out to the girl, who I mistakenly assumed was a teenage boy, for checking us out and to “Jimmie Walker” who kept calling us beautiful.  Thank you!

Every year it gets better, every year we have fun, there’s always a new story, someone else missing a spot with SPF,  a new ‘idiot’ to make the blog and the hope that one of the angels would get inked to join the rest of us.  An annual trip that we all look forward to that just might be split in seasons…look out winter and next summers ‘party’ is already planned!

Surviving the Big D: The Requirements

I’ve posted the ‘Requirements’ a few years ago and here is how I got to that point.  In no particular order of how you want do get back your sanity, write a list of everything you want in your next relationship, or as I’ve called it “Requirements”. These “Requirements” should be a list of what you are looking for in a relationship, from your potential significant other including situations you do not want to happen in your next relationship.  For example my ex-MIL forgot about the doorbell and calling first before stopping by and my ex never-ever confronted her about it.  Yeah that won’t happen again. 

As you meet people out with friends, dating, you’ll find this as a guide, not necessarily as a list to live by, more as a guide to keep you in line from making those same mistakes again.  My first requirement was ‘Can you boil water?’ in others words, ‘can you cook?’  It’s one of those ice breaker questions you can bring up just meeting someone and they won’t know exactly where you’re going with it (even if it is a bit sarcastic).  You may add other ‘requirements’ as you go along and set up your own rating system.  Not every person you meet has to meet all the requirements, although having a form to easily carry in your purse to hand out to prospects had crossed my mind at one point.  I’ve encouraged my single friends, including those still in the dating pool to make their own list.  There’s always something that happens in relationships we were in that we promise ourselves we won’t deal with again, well..write it down! 

 I no longer abide by my list of “Requirements”, yet it is a great frame for the future and makes a great conversation Q&A to jerks you meet along the way in your newly single life.  Share it with your friends, ask your friends to add to it.  It’s therapeutic as well when you get together with friends and laugh about it and never gets old.  I wonder why I didn’t have this in the first place?

Samples of the ‘Requirements” 

• Must know how to cook – at least boil water and make mac and cheese
• Must knowhow to do laundry – there is a big difference between whites and darks
• Must have manners – meaning..open A door for me, whether it be the car door or any door. Opening 1 door that night is a big brownie point winner.
• If he has a pet, make sure he spends quality time with the pet, otherwise I may find myself locked in the basement when he wants to be alone

I’m Still the Same Person (I just live in a different state)

My commute to and from work has given me a ton to think about. Not that its odd for me to be thinking while driving, since thinking always occurs anyway and the topics usually change.  But this topic…hmmmm..how can I say or not say it exactly.  So while I do not choose to offend anyone I’m sure I will anyway, but it’s the truth, and I’m willing to accept it if you are. 

                I’m the first to admit I’m bad at calling people back – yes actually calling people back.  I find that time is never enough and I don’t like to talk while driving either, since 90% of this summer I drove with the windows down.  (Yes I like the fresh hot humid air thank you.)  I can’t talk at work either, everyone can hear everyone else's conversations since the renovation and its horrible.  I could call at 12, or 12:30, or 1 pm.  I’m not sure how that would work either, depending on who I'm calling.  I’m not that bad at responding to emails or messages (I think).  I am not on FB 24/7 like some of you are, connected to the world 24/7 with the latest smart phone gadget ( I don’t want to be that accessible and exploit my life).  My real friends know how to get in touch with me and know what I’m up to.  I can’t access FB at work (not that I would choose to anyway) and I’m not about to run home, log on and see a repeat of what people post everyday.  I don’t care if you took little Johnny to the park (again).  I really don’t, and I wouldn’t dare post where I’m at on a Friday night in hopes that all 200+ friends of mine might see it to come join me.  Heck no!  It’s a virtual friendship network and any true friend, again, I’m repeating here, really knows how to get me. 

                While I’m apologizing, I’ll tread on this plank that I’ve never tread on before (in the virtual world).  I’ve lost friends, a ton of friends over the years.  Most of which dump me because I don’t have any kids, I’m looked at differently because I’m divorced, no kids.  Yeah and?  I’m still the same person as I was before, what’s the difference?  I admit over the years even when I was married I turned down bar-be-que and party invites for stupid reasons, partly because the ex worked a lot, the drive there, and because we might have had other plans.  I would have went alone, in fact I should have.  I regret that now, but even if I don’t make your party and I try to meet up with you over the years, at least get back to me (answer an email, a voicemail) and set a date.  I’m sorry I don’t have kids, that going to ‘bring your own kid’ parties are frustrating because I can’t fit in with the ‘mommy’ conversations.  What would I say anyway “Hi, I’m single, dating and I’m having a great time.”

                I’m an hour away from my friends or my friends that choose to disown me, I was always a distance from them no matter where I’ve lived.  But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t meet up halfway somewhere.  Hey, we’re all busy, technology makes us busy (if we let it), and so busy that we spend 2 minutes uploading a photo to FB when those 2 minutes could have been spent trying to make plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while.