Surviving the Big D: Dating

They say the only way to get over someone is to get involved with someone else.  Yes, okay maybe when my head is screwed on straight and I know what end is up, then ask yourself “What do I want/don’t want in a relationship this time?”  Usually the ink is dry by now or at least in the process of.  Many potential ‘dates’ do not want to get involved with you seriously (for more than just a date-date) if they think there’s a slight chance you could get back with the ex if all the T’s aren’t crossed and papers aren’t filed.  There should be no loose ends when you get back into the dating world.  You should not be dependent on the ex for anything – cut all ties and most of all you should be over him/her.  “Getting back together” at this point is not an option – no matter how much your family liked him/her.

Now I’m not against dating right away, you can venture out with your friends and meet people.  The rules haven’t changed (just technology), but they will seem foreign to you, again it’s just like riding a bike.  You did it before, you can do it again.  This time there’s the online dating universe which you really have to weed through, it’s also best to do it with a good friend as a screener.  This way if someone is really trying to scam you by posting their picture from 10 years ago and your friend happens to meet them before you at least you have a warning.  Yes that actually happened (I may have written something similar in the “Starting Fires” blog with my Shrek reference and continued into “Another Saturday Morning Cartoon”).  Dive right in, fill your calendar, practice, learn and you will find someone.  You may even find someone while you are waiting for someone else to show up at the restaurant.  You can’t think of the dating world right out of a divorce as hoping to find Mr./Mrs. Right Again right away, it’s not realistic.  It should be the furthest thing from your mind until your head is screwed on straight and you have direction in your life.  I’ve known too many people who jump right to #2, or #3 right out of a divorce, amazing how many have gotten remarried within a year or 2 of a divorce and some divorced again. I’m not saying they didn’t find Mr./Mrs. Right Again but you do need to figure things out for yourself..at least I did. 

I dove into the online dating scene after my divorce on three different sites, when one wasn’t working for me, I signed up for another one.  Dates that never got past the 2^nd date-no sparks.  Dates that didn’t last 2 months.  Dates that got weird – doesn’t matter which site you use, they are almost all the same.  You do have to kiss a lot of frogs (again) and yes they are all out there, I’m sure a few of those ‘winners’ made it on the blog at one point.  Once you’re out in the scene and things aren’t going as planned notice your dating patterns – are you still attracting the wrong guys?  Are you sending out the wrong signals? Are you wearing the wrong clothes (i.e. too conservative/too much cleavage)?  Chances are it could be you.  If you keep buying the same cereal you’ll never discover the next one on the shelf.  Learn from your mistakes, write down your requirements.  Did you have a bad divorce? What do you want now?  (You can refer back to the beginning of the ‘Surviving’ series and read the “Requirements” for hints.)  You weren’t put here on this earth to settle if it doesn’t make you happy.

Those dating stories that you bring back to your friends (single/married etc) are the ones you share over drinks and laugh about.  We all have learned from each other’s mistakes in the dating world, there are plenty of books and online blogs out there to help you too.  I’m a total advocate that if you meet Mr. M and he asks you out there’s no reason why you can’t accept a date for the next night with Mr. Y.  Right? Why not?  You are weeding through what’s out there, even if it’s online dating or getting fixed up by friends until you meet one who you only want to spend your days and nights with.  If you’ve been out there recently with single friends there are slim pickins to what you find out at a bar (at our age) so you have to find other means.  So date online, fill your calendar with every flavor possible, go to dinner, have coffee, meet people, let your friends fix you up, take notes from Steve Harvey (yes the grocery store after 8 pm does have single men food shopping on certain days of the week) - when you’re ready for Mr./Mrs. Right Again it will happen.

I can’t pinpoint the exact point when my head was screwed on straight to get back out there, but it all fell into place as it should have (after the ink was dry and the T’s finally crossed) and my heart is where it belongs. ;-) 

Surviving the Big D: The Requirements

I’ve posted the ‘Requirements’ a few years ago and here is how I got to that point.  In no particular order of how you want do get back your sanity, write a list of everything you want in your next relationship, or as I’ve called it “Requirements”. These “Requirements” should be a list of what you are looking for in a relationship, from your potential significant other including situations you do not want to happen in your next relationship.  For example my ex-MIL forgot about the doorbell and calling first before stopping by and my ex never-ever confronted her about it.  Yeah that won’t happen again. 

As you meet people out with friends, dating, you’ll find this as a guide, not necessarily as a list to live by, more as a guide to keep you in line from making those same mistakes again.  My first requirement was ‘Can you boil water?’ in others words, ‘can you cook?’  It’s one of those ice breaker questions you can bring up just meeting someone and they won’t know exactly where you’re going with it (even if it is a bit sarcastic).  You may add other ‘requirements’ as you go along and set up your own rating system.  Not every person you meet has to meet all the requirements, although having a form to easily carry in your purse to hand out to prospects had crossed my mind at one point.  I’ve encouraged my single friends, including those still in the dating pool to make their own list.  There’s always something that happens in relationships we were in that we promise ourselves we won’t deal with again, well..write it down! 

 I no longer abide by my list of “Requirements”, yet it is a great frame for the future and makes a great conversation Q&A to jerks you meet along the way in your newly single life.  Share it with your friends, ask your friends to add to it.  It’s therapeutic as well when you get together with friends and laugh about it and never gets old.  I wonder why I didn’t have this in the first place?

Samples of the ‘Requirements” 

• Must know how to cook – at least boil water and make mac and cheese
• Must knowhow to do laundry – there is a big difference between whites and darks
• Must have manners – meaning..open A door for me, whether it be the car door or any door. Opening 1 door that night is a big brownie point winner.
• If he has a pet, make sure he spends quality time with the pet, otherwise I may find myself locked in the basement when he wants to be alone

Requirement #2: Must Do Own Laundry

After a much needed girls luncheon, chat and a ‘don’t eat the cake’ lesson passed on to a future bride to be, I couldn’t resist writing about olden times.  Not golden years, but there’s something so funny about the people you date along the way that change your point of view on things. In fact, after a few dates with this particular person I added a few more items to the Requirements.  As always, my disclosure - this happened soon after my divorce, when I was in the infamous dating pool of on-liners, those you meet through friends, at parties and just out. 

To start, yes I do have a nickname for this one, unfortunately sharing it with the virtual world would give his identity away.  Perhaps his ideals have changed, so I wouldn’t want to tarnish his reputation should he in fact still be reading my blogs.  I met him out with a group of friends.  We went out a few times, dinner, movies, typical dating mantra, nothing over the top spectacular, mind-blowing, making me want to share stories with my girlfriends.  He had his quirks, he was nice, always treated me with respect, held the door open, call when he said he’d call. I don’t quite remember when it got weird, weird and weirder as in ‘would you wear a crotchless full bodysuit’ weird, weird as in would rather chat on AOL than actually see me weird.  Here’s how that led to the final deal breaker- he was in his mid 30’s, he lived with a roommate, had a decent job with benefits and still brought his laundry to his mother’s house for her to do, because he didn’t have the heart to tell her that he was a grown man and that she needed to let him be one.  At least that’s what he told me, he couldn't tell her to not do it anymore.  B-S!  I immediately knew this wasn’t going to work.  If a man can’t tell his Mother, his family, his friends or anyone else for that matter to respect his life, where he’s at in life, to give him some space, there’s a problem.  It will never change, they will never change unless you step up and set boundaries.

Anyway, so between the bodysuit request, Mom folding his tighty-whities and then following it up with needing to be on AOL I was done.  I definitely didn’t want a relationship with a guy who would rather use me as an erotic muse online than to physically want to be with me in person.  Granted, he had the best of both worlds, his Mom does the laundry, the girl satisfies his needs which leads to he doesn’t have to see her, he has more free time to sleep, etc.  What more could he ask for?  He’s not as weird as the Elvis poster guy, but with all that free time, you’d think he would have spent more valuable time at the gym instead of talking about it.