1 tini, 2 tini, 3 tini, More!

Can’t say I remember much after the 4th appletini besides my impromptu shopping expedition, but I know damn well next time my max is 2 and eating a bit more throughout the night than a hot pretzel, personal pizza, French fries and talking it up with a married Mormon. At least there wasn’t a line for any of the ladies rooms that I visited that night, for once! And the train ride home was exciting, it actually kept me awake knowing that the next cast of Jersey Shore “Juniors” was aboard with spandex leggings, a token ‘just jack’, trash mouths but they were missing a token ‘hottie’.

2010 Rewind

I took back a piece of time from Baby New Year and celebrated 2010 days later without the dramatic events that I did avoid on the actual New Years Eve eve. I did it my way actually, a martini (or two) in hand, great company and an evening filled with unexpected events and a perfect snowfall. I’m not sorry for stealing a piece of time, but I created one hell of a memory…and got a free Starbucks.

Thursday Night Fever

You know I’ve never done this before. I’ve never come home and automatically sat down in front of my trusty keyboard and just belted it out until now..so here goes. A very nice evening took a turn to the street of creepy and almost left every man and woman for themselves. So maybe I shouldn’t have accepted a dance from a guy who looked like John Travolta in a leisure suit, how was I supposed to know he was going to get damn creepy the rest of the evening. But you know, even when you told me you didn’t want to know my name, that you just wanted to dance, that you didn’t want to take me home, I didn’t give a shit. I don’t care, I wouldn’t have given you the appropriate name anyway you loser, nor would I have allowed myself to travel to any distance to be close to where you say you would have resided. All I did was dance with you. And you did not take “No” for an answer the next time around, and the next, and the next. So being the immature adult that you are, you started staking out my friends and coworkers for allies. You were attempting to befriend them for good words, then you insisted that everyone wanted to fight you. Bad move, see you don’t get that I overheard your real name ANGELO and NO I’m not afraid to post it here, because any chick in their right mind better not fall for your stupid lines in a f-ing leisure suit. I saw it from a mile away but I did accept one dance, one dance that you just couldn’t get enough of. It was pathetic that you just wouldn’t go away. And now that I know you’re name, you, the sleezeball that almost ruined my evening because you wouldn’t let it go, you will regret the day we met. I know you, I know what you look like, I know your name. That’s all I need to know. Its been a very long time since I drove home scared, crying my eyes out thinking that if my unsung heroes, my co-workers weren’t there I’d be in a ton of trouble and not even typing this right now. But that’s it, I’m done. I didn’t ask for this, this is not my fault, but welcome to my world. My eyes are swollen from crying the last 30 minutes on the ride home, my heart is pumping a mile a minute because I truly would call a ‘hit’ on this sleezeball had I known someone out of one of the mafia books I’m reading. So I end it here, I know who you are, yes, this is a threat. Don’t you ever come near me again or its your face against my fist. I owe a ton to my co-workers tonight, for if not for them I would have been fearing walking to my car alone. And had my other plans materialized I wouldn’t be saying this at all.

Its Free Coffee

I wonder why I get myself in these predicaments. I’m a private person, I get home, I pull in the garage, shut the garage door. I don’t socialize with my neighbors around here, they actually are just there for the noise. I like people don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to make friends with these idiots. Here’s where the story begins. I should have known….

I had taken the garbage out one day and happened to walk past one of these neighbors washing his truck. He said “Hi”, introduced himself, asked me if I was the one with the white Altima. I should have known…. We exchanged pleasantrees, he told me he hardly saw me out, and I said “I sleep and eat here, I’m out a lot.” Its really none of his business what I’m up to, I hardly know this guy. That was that, I hadn’t seen him for a few months until my doorbell rang and it was him. I normally don’t answer the door at all, my friends will call me if they are in the area, they won’t just show up unannounced. I answered the door nicely and he had asked me a few questions that seemed normal, like if I had boyfriend, if I wouldn’t mind going for coffee one night…blah blah blah. I’m like, ok, no problem, this dude is harmless. It took a lot for him to come over and ring my doorbell and ask. Whatever, he’s harmless. I shoulda known..

The next night my doorbell rings again and I’m comfortable on the couch watching a chick flick, well its him and he asks me for coffee. So what the hell, its free coffee! Let me get this straight, I think I would have been a little bit more excited had he been anything but attractive, sparks flying, yadda yadda. But I didn’t see it like that at all. I get my free coffee and he’s doing all the talking which was fine, because the day I had I wasn’t really up for starting a conversation myself. Its about time someone does all the talking! Haha. He tells me he ‘finds me attractive’, aw that’s nice, this guy has no idea that I’m just not into him! OK, so anyway, he also tells me this..which is basically a no no when you first meet someone, rather than when you meet someone even if you’ve known them for a long time. He told me he’s nosy, he knows when I get home, my picking up the mail pattern. OK that really creeped me out, and I got real quiet and just wanted to get the hell out of there. Thankfully it was time to jet and he said goodnight, shook hands and that was that.

12 hours later I’m closing my curtains, shutting my blinds in the front windows..I feel like I’m in the bungalow all over again when the neighbors were within throwing distance and their kids would leave their toys on the front yard. I shouldn’t feel like this in my own place, now I feel violated somehow. I’m not sure how I’m gonna handle the next encounter besides not answer the door unless I know who it is for sure. But my new stalker has got to go.

No More Mich Ultra's?

Something very strange about people wearing Zorro masks at a bar in the middle of August and a grammar school dance circle made to MJ’s “Beat it”. These things do not belong in the age group that was let in to this place over the weekend. I should just start critiquing bars and their clientele. But most of that clientele didn’t make it to midnight sober or out of the bathroom. That shouldn’t be surprising after all, counting the ‘people shorter than me’ became the joke of the night in a crowd of plain janes and guys who think the latest pick-me-up clothing is a striped polo shirt they would wear to work on casual Friday.

Billy Bob vs Kentucky Don – not your average UFC match

I called it, I saw it from across the bar, Mr. Polo Shirt, who later we named Kentucky Don, came a strolling over to us. Little did we know the next things to come out of his mouth would have left us in hysterics the rest of the night. “You girls know you are the best lookin’ girls in this whole bar.” Now if that ain’t a good pickup line or what! Add a southern drawl, give the boy a cowboy hat and a horse and tell him to turn around and ride out on that horse he road in on. Kentucky had one good thing going for him, he did buy us a drink, which we graciously accepted and wandered off to enjoy the band, (we ain’t comin’ back now ya’ hear’). Next comes Billy Bob, not quite looking like Mr. Thorton himself, but we had to give him a nickname. Billy Bob’s line of the night was “You’re beautiful” multiplied by 10. Yup, by 10. ANNOYING! I’ll give him a few points for the way he approached my friend after Kentucky left to smoke a cig, but that’s about it. Later, Billy Bob stops me and says “My friend likes you”, (ok, how old are we again?) So I said, “That’s nice” and walked away. Sorry, have the balls to talk to me not send your mediator, because you decided to wear a wife beater to go out with the boys.

Now for the main event….for three hours they would not leave us alone. Three hours! We set ourselves up in front of the band to dance and get away from them and they follow us around like puppy dogs waiting for us to throw them a bone and give them the time of day. Mr. Wife beater did try to make conversation about the guitarist but I didn’t want to talk to him anyhow. I actually did ignore Kentucky too when he was talking to me, I was having a ‘find a spot on the wall and just stare at it’ moment. You can classify him as the ‘local yocal who drinks and tosses lines at anything with a pair of boobies.’ He did enter my ‘no zone’ with some comment about ‘wiping my ass on the dancefloor’, I don’t know whatever he said sounded vulgar and he’s lucky I didn’t lay him out right there cuz thems fighting words. Needless to say the car ride home was hysterical, southern drawls, top lines of the night (including the one about how we were in our twenties….our early twenties) and a realization that just cuz the musclehead across the bar has a great upper body, doesn’t necessarily mean his lower half is in shape.

Silent victories always put a smile on my face

I just love waking up to the sound of birds outside my window at 5 am, listening to the sound of workboots pacing above me and walking in my shared garage to find a clutter of trailer trash. Ok, maybe not so trailer-ish, but a go-cart, a used stainless steel Char-broil grill, things that you find after a bad garage sale. Oh, and did I mention my neighbor is a garbage man/landscaper – yes this man multi-tasks but he paces at 5 am!! Anyway, aside from that seeing an ‘ex’ last night at my game with his new wifey & dog in tow was so out of pocket, but at least I’ve aged much better than him (and stayed in shape) in the last 13 years. I’m not sure she saw me or knew of me, but he did because when she returned from the ice cream man, they bolted out of there. And we did win the game by the way, my injury isn’t deterring me from going 1 for 3, with 2 sacs and a RBI single and playing 2B as if I was still in high school.