Do I or Don't I? - sometime last week

Something off cuff happened, unexpectedly, unplanned, not according to horoscope and no, I’m not telling you what it was. [It's my little secret] It was one of those ‘do i? don’t I?” scenarios, where if I didn’t, I would probably have driven home thinking ‘dang I should have!’ and I did, and it wasn’t so bad, it was just a spur of the moment, on the fly, ‘hey how ya’ doin’, ‘I’d like fries with that’, drive down the shore in the middle of the night kinda deal. Don’t think that I didn’t drive home thinking ‘what the hell just happened?’ as I shook my head a few thousand times cuz I did and it continued when I got in. But if I didn’t, then I would have been thinking that I should’ve, and that is just not acceptable.

Place Your Bets

My girlfriend and I have a little bet going. If she wins she gets a Poland Spring Waterbottle, filled of course. If she loses, she gets nothing. She came up with a scenario within a time frame and of course, she won, but decided it was too easy of a win so is going to extend the scenario to include something else, like a side bet. Of course, now I have to keep my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut, to remember not step in the groundhog holes along the way, that way I get to keep my bottles of water and the odds get a little more difficult. If you want in, that’s fine, but I’ll never tell you what its about.

Soundbites from the Office

What I heard in the Office this week:
- I have to go spiffy diffy in the toilet
- Cheers!
- We’re having tea and crumpets at 3 pm to de-stress?
- American women look better with the lights off
- I don’t think I can take the army men on the plane with me, customs would love that.
- Oh, no like dat place for car repair, they charge too mucha money. Four-tee dolla over ‘dere.
- Hope that was clear as mud
- I have to do a PAP
- Is he a dwarf? Does he play the organ? Look at his chair, is he a midget? A little guy?
- I have 4 things to do
- You took 3 slices – and half the people around here didn’t get any!
- I forgot my kilt!
- The Boss never comes to Scotland
- Brilliant! You don’t say
- I have to deal with who? NOOOOOO!
- I hope nobody’s showing X rated films over there
- He’s having a baby tomorrow
- Cuz he’s pretty boring I gotta tell ya’.
- You guys can’t spell
- Someone was drunk and they got the ‘u’ and the ‘r’ mixed up
- You better crop his foot out
- If you listen closely you’ll hear chickens
- We’d never kill anybody either
- If you put ---- up front, you’ll have everyone asleep before you get to the end of it
- I thought they were the queens guards
- I need some reinforcements
- Looks like someone thru bleach on her head
- You know, you really should condition and cut your hair
- If you added a white collar you’d be Father ___
- The tunder it shuk my house!
- …a drink in each hand
- Dead on
- Kick me if I’m loud
- I wanna be able to walk home without a sore bum
- Deutshbag – I like that word
- Knickers
- En dis woad is faw way

Scenes from a Newsletter

How can a newsletter about work sound like an ad for eharmony or any other one of those sites? First, limit and eliminate the business technical terms such as “team player”, “meeting”, “value added”, “profit”, “goals”, “implementation”, “organization”. Second, add a few personal stories and key words such as “acquaintance”, “high school”, “family”, “marriage”, “friendship”, “renewed” and instant advertisement. There had to be a one personal story per page limit and of course, a page limit due to printing restraints due to cutting costs and distribution, so any true facts regarding business-to-date had to be shortened to accommodate the human interest story. In summary this is how it reads:

“With the new year comes new plans and energy
Merging together
Flash forward
Parallel lives…emigrating to a new world
On the first full day of togetherness
Old acquaintances may have been forgotten
Thank you for all that you do”

“Flash forward” – not sure what the “flash” was about besides maybe the camera that took the heartfelt reunion picture.

First 3 months is free, money back guarantee if not re-acquainted with high school sweetheart in another location. Thank you for giving us your credit card number and personal information so we can snail mail you other advertisements and blast your email to our sponsors.

**Disclosure – not saying eharmony ever gave away personal information, in fact, I wouldn’t know, I don’t have an account.

Fashion Show

Last night I went to a fall fashion show at this little boutique store with a girlfriend. Leggings are back (not the ones with the stirrups thank god) and there’s no way I’m reverting back to the 80’s with those just for fall! The sizes were mostly for JR’s, so I tried on jeans – size 5, no luck, fit everywhere else but the length and waist (as usual), I could put a hardcover book back there with a belt. A turquoise top that I had to pull from behind so my bra wouldn’t show in the front, 1 ivory and brown dress, that because I have a long torso I needed to wear something under it that’s how short it was, (yes, it was meant to be worn with leggings) had that not been the problem it would have been perfect with my brown boots, a jersey olive green bubble dress (where the elastic is at your legs) came to mid thigh..no way would I ever wear it because I couldn’t sit down in it! The whole ‘bubble’ concept baffles me. And last but not least, a wool trench, that was red, blue, yellow, plaid colors that I grabbed in a medium, thinking get a larger size because for fall and winter the clothes are bulkier (layers, sweaters). With the 10% off coupon for attending the show that would have been my purchase had they had a SMALL!

For the night I spent $8 on a salad I had for dinner, a $1 on a raffle ticket, and we got free stuff in the goodie bag for attending. The leopard print ballet shoes were calling me, but not loud enough.

Scenes from the Stairwell

NN: Noisy Neighbor
M: Me

(Noisy Neighbor shouting from upstairs out his door while I’m on the stairwell throughout this entire conversation looking up at him)
NN: Hey shorty
M: Hey, whats up?
NN: What are you doing Friday?
M: I don’t know yet, its only Monday, why?
NN: It’s my girl’s birthday (meaning his girlfriend, not his daughter) and a bunch of us are going to (name of bar) at around 10, you and your man can come have a few drinks, you know.
M: Sounds like a great time!
NN: So what’s going on?
M: Not much, just busy playing softball.
NN: You still seeing that guy, that Spanish guy?
M: Yeah, he’s fine.
(meanwhile I’m thinking…what Spanish guy?)
NN: How often do you see him?
(now I’m starting to get annoyed - you can tell by my answers)
M: Once a week, maybe more.
(ha ha, he’s asking the wrong questions now cuz even if I had a Spanish guy its none of his business)
NN: So what’s his name again? Am I going to meet him?(#1 – Don’t interrogate me, you’ve just made the list and now I’m playing a game.)
M: His name? Don’t worry about it, you don’t need to meet him, ha ha
(Why oh why would he want to meet my apparent Spanish guy?)
NN: Oh ok.
(I think he got the hint after my smart ass comments, but if he pressed on I had a name for this Spanish guy he dreamed of up my sleeve anyway)
NN: Well I’ll let you know about Friday, you know, what time and all on Thursday.
M: Ok great…bye
(I step inside and LMHO, Spanish guy? I don’t think I’ve ever in my entire dating existence dated a Spanish guy. I’m still wondering…”what Spanish guy?”).

Signs You Have A Stalker

10 Signs that you have a Stalker – not in any particular order
1) He thinks you are stupid – he has a girlfriend
2) He knows what time you leave work – follows you to your car and makes it seem as if he’s just out for a walk because its cold inside.
3) Tells you outright that “You’re hotter than my girlfriend”, “those pants you had on the other day, wow, they really hugged you’re a$$”.
4) Thinks its “perfect timing” that you’ve actually given him the time of day and he’s been fighting with his gf (oh, did I mention he lives with her too?)
5) Inadvertently invites himself over to your place – even if he doesn’t know where you live
6) Sends an email to you for your extension because he wants to ask you a computer program question even though you aren’t an admin anymore and he’s too lazy to look at the phone list
7) Persistently asks to hang out even though you’ve already said “No”, still wants a few minutes of your time
8) Walks by your cubicle when he has no business to – its not where he sits, he doesn’t work with anyone in the area and it happens more than 3x a day. Wanna see my log?
9) Apparently when you say you are “seeing someone” it doesn’t phase him.
10) Parks his car behind yours or next to it – it’s a “closeness” factor to him.
11) He won’t take “no” for an answer – doesn’t get it that if you say you “have a date” that you really want to go on this date and not hang with him!
12) Borrows someone’s cell phone to get your phone number so he can secretly send you text messages from a “secret admirer”.
13) He buys you a puppy.